I Should Take a Self-Defense Course

On my way home from job interview #2, some psycho on the T started shouting at me to get off at the Broadway stop or he would put me in the hospital. He was sitting across from me and there were about a handful of people around who heard him.

I started thinking that I should move away from him but my gut told me that if I reacted in any way, he'd "win". Since my gut kept me in my seat, I looked up and down the car and picked out a couple guys who might back me up if things got violent.

I also started remembering some stuff from my Tae Kwon Do class so I shifted the way I was sitting so I could move quickly and got my fists ready to punch in case. I also had to pump up my adrenaline so I let every fear and anxiety wash through me so I was hyped up to defend myself.

Just before the train got to my stop, psycho got up and sat next to me. Other options popped in my head like using my cell phone to take a picture of him so I could report him to T security but my gut told me that that would be considered escalation and I might not get out of it unharmed.

We got to my stop with no incident and I allowed myself one impulse move. I got off the train, he remained seated and I looked at him filled with all the hate I have for violent psycho men.

Of course, all that adrenaline ebbing out of me meant I cried all the way home. I also kept second guessing every decision I made. I didn't want to be the chick who is asked in her hospital bed, "Why didn't you do X?" Also, I kept remembering those Oprah episodes about attack survivors who told their stories and how no one came to help them in a public place even though they were screaming for help.

Now, I am just mad as hell. Who the hell was this guy and how dare he threaten me? Doesn't he know that no man has ever put me in a hospital? Yeah, I need a self-defense course stat!

Jobs and Wazoo

Life has been going oddly well ever since Homecoming weekend! I interviewed for two jobs last week. Yup, that's right T-W-O! That's more jobs I have interviewed for in 6 months. One job is a temp position and another is a perm job downtown that is completely up my alley and can pay me a good salary. Let's call that position Dream Job.

I got the temp job and I will be starting November 1. It is supposed to be a 6 month gig but without giving too much away about where this job is located, I really really hope Questions 1 and 3 do not pass. You, the voter, can help with job creation/maintenance!

Dream job asked me immediately after my phone interview to come in for a face to face. That interview is this afternoon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and on the up side, at least I have the temp job as a safety. Everything about this job seems blessed. I was asked for a phone interview the same day I submitted my resume. It's either a blessing or they are desperate but who cares? It is encouraging and I don't feel completely unhirable. I am still going to pursue CPA certification by taking accounting certificate courses to buff up my MBA background.

I'm turning 34 in November and it would be nice to have a job around that time. Man, I can't believe I am entering my mid-thirties! I don't feel that age at all - actually I have to stop and think when someone asks how old I am. Anyways, send me some good vibes today and regardless, I am doing really good!

Homecoming Video

UMMB Alumni Day: 900 Band Alums Return to Honor George N. Parks from Daily Collegian on Vimeo.

A Blessed Weekend

So I have thesaurus.com open right now so I can pick the best descriptive adjectives for UMass Homecoming 2010. Amazing was my first pick but awesome, fascinating, incredible, and marvelous work well too!

I got to see so many old friends and old friends. There were a lot of firsts as well. First time I have marched in 14 years and first time I was on the old practice field in 11 years (I had to quit marching due to a back problem in 1997 but was still on staff for two years). Every time I was pooped or in pain, I told myself, "You used to do this every day for years and loved it" to help psych myself up. Weirdly enough, a lot of my euphonium playing came back to me! I got a concert baritone horn to march from the incredibly generous Chicopee high school that loaned the band instruments (bless you and thank you Chicopee). I was placed in the alumni block next to a fellow Euph who was next to me back in the day anyways. As we joked and chuckled our way through morning practice, a memory came back to me. I turned to her and said, "Hey, didn't we use to crack each other so much that we had someone assigned to march between us?" Same old people and same old rhythms gotta love it! There were odd moments that I swore I heard George Parks' voice instructing us through the long-ranger but it was just my sense memory messing with me.

The Celebration of George Parks' life in the Mullins Center was a good mixture of funny and heartbreaking. I remembered so many new GNP stories as I heard speakers' reminiscences. Then it was time to go over to the Band tailgate near the stadium and yet another slew of old friends to greet and several tiny new mini-me friends (SO DARN CUTE!) The food was absolutely amazing thanks to UMass catering - tons of local fresh produce. It started ominously clouding over and the wind picked up. Uh oh, memories of my freshman season where it rained almost every weekend and the woodwinds barely played came rushing back to me.

By the time we were situated in the stadium, it felt like the temperature had dropped another 10 degrees and my toes were numb (lovely old back problem flaring up). But when we took the field, the clouds parted and the sun shone on the over 900 alumni plus 300 baby band. Some of us said that George was looking out for us weather-wise. We did him proud and I was able to get out a couple correct notes here and there.

On the drive back to my brother's place this song was on the radio

Celine Dion - Because You Love.. download at emp3

That was when it finally hit me that Mr. Parks is really gone so yeah there were tears over this cheesy song. It was probably the song and the fact that I was able to rest after a hectic day in the quiet of my car.

But I also remembered the song being really popular back when my band sorority and fraternity were setting up a convention at UMass. It was on the radio all the time for that week. That was another incredible and marvelous aspect of the weekend. Back in the day, I had my own little family through the sorority/fraternity. Both my big brother and big sister were there, almost all my "siblings" and then 2 of my "littles". So it was a family Homecoming too. The people who I got silly with, drunk with, lived with, and cried on their shoulders were there. All the nerves and anxiety about coming back evaporated when I saw their familiar faces.

After halftime and when I got home I was sore aka afflicted, bruised,raw, tender and, chafed. Ugh, so old and so out of shape! Advil took care of most of it but man, I completely wrecked my lips. Even now they are raw and swollen. Do you think adult euphonium lessons are offered anywhere? Gotta build up my chops... Oh yeah, I am coming back next year along with hopefully 999 other alumni!

Hang in There It Does Get Better... Eventually

Due to the recent attention on bullying, I feel the need to add my voice to the millions out there who have survived bullying and have nothing but love and support to those suffering.

You see the picture above? That was me in 8th grade and I was completely miserable after years of harassment. It started in 6th grade when my close female friends decided to take me down a peg by picking me apart with anonymous notes (this is before the internet or Facebook). I was fat, wore the wrong clothes, and hung out with undesirables. When I tried to get more fashionable clothes, my clothes were stolen during gym class.

The bullying moved from the girls to the boys who were a lot more physical with me like shoving me into lockers, stomping on my backpack, and stealing my crutches when I dislocated my knee. They also openly baited and harassed me in class by yelling stuff at me. My teachers did nothing. English and Math classes were the worst. We learned about the golden ratio one day and our assignment was to go home, measure ourselves and see how close we were to the ratio. It turned out I was spot on the ratio but I simply could not volunteer that information in class because that would have been like painting a bulls-eye on myself. Ugh, I can still remember that clueless teacher's name! I didn't say anything because I didn't have any friends left. I was really lucky to find a lunch table with other misfits and I still have a warm place in my heart for those kind souls who let me survive unprovoked.

What the kids who tortured me in school did not know is that when I got home I had a father who did the same thing. He told me I was a good for nothing bitch and beat me. In fact, I didn't speak up about the school situation because I had been taught that I deserved it. I also tried to kill myself with an Exacto knife in 7th grade. It didn't work obviously. Years later, I found out one of the lead bullies had an equally abusive father so we were opposite sides of the same coin.

What stopped the agony was probably a combination of things: I got so worn down I let my tormentors see me cry, my brother entered 6th grade so he drew some attention from me by being target practice for rock throwing assholes, and once I found out my brother was being picked on too, I finally spoke up and named names to the school superintendent. 8th grade was magically bearable! Speaking up is not a coward's way out. Yes, I do know that teachers turn a blind eye and will not protect you - which is why you need to choose that one teacher who seems to get it. Believe me, talking to a grown-up whether it's your parents or someone official, will help!

Another side effect of being bullied is that you don't speak up for other victims just so you survive. I still feel a bit of survivor's guilt about that. The emotional fallout is tough too. The last time I was ever bullied was when I was 13 after a bunch of therapy I am finally getting over most of it at age 33. So yeah, it takes a while to unpack all the internalized pain and wrong lessons learned. But it does get better and life is totally worth living! In high school or in college, you meet great people who get you and survived similar situations. And being different isn't a bad thing anymore. In fact, all the weirdos/outsiders wind up banding together so you are never alone. When I was 12, life just seemed to be a never ending litany of pain. I am 33 because somewhere inside there was a glimmer of hope that life could be better so the Exacto knife didn't hit a vein. Hang onto that glimmer kids! We all love and support you.

Please ask for help and support

IBook: Decimation and Resurrection

I have a 3 year old iBook that was running Tiger 10.4.1.1 fine for a while. But for the last couple of months, the ol' computer wasn't quite itself. There was constant program crashing and finder froze all the time. It was so bad that I couldn't right-click or I would see the never-ending rainbow pinwheel of death which would make me force quit. I tried to free up as much space on my computer as possible, worried that it was a memory problem.

Last weekend, my brother who is a computer guru was in the area and agreed to help me with my computer problems. He has a Netbook with a huge hard drive so we transferred my files, wiped the entire computer, then he did some computer mojo like verifying the hard drive and writing 0's to the drive or something. Then he tried to install Snow Leopard since my version of Tiger has been notoriously wonky for years. The installation didn't work so, we had to load my computer with the old Tiger. Then that didn't even work. Not a single application could open. This entire process took two days and turned my computer into an expensive paperweight.

I finally took it to the Apple Store on Tuesday. I gotta say, I was really impressed with the customer service! Fact #1 - you can't go from Tiger to Snow Leopard. You need to go Tiger, Leopard, and then Snow Leopard. Fact #2 - my computer needed its entire hard drive and battery to be replaced. Fact #3 - the repairs cost me NOTHING!

It's so funny how computer dependent I am. The three days without my computer lead to some creative entertainment ideas. I wasn't completely disconnected/unwired. I had my cell phone, Wii, and Nintendo DSi. Composing emails on any of those wasn't an option but I was at least in the loop!

I got my computer back Thursday and it was glorious. Then my brother came by Friday, upgraded my OS and transferred all my files over. Guess what? The replaced hard drive actually doubled the capacity of my computer! I didn't notice but my brother pointed it out. Things are so smooth now and Snow Leopard is pretty nifty. My brother also transferred some MST3K movies so I have Hercules and Gamera to keep my entertained on my reborn iBook!

Fixed My Hair

My hair was a two-toned sun damaged mess. See below.



Fed up with that nastiness and inspired by this blog post, I decided to dye my hair tonight. I chose Garnier Nutrisse and these shades:




Here are the results



It's a little darker than I had expected but it's night and I'm sure in daylight it will be fine. One tip about mixing dyes, you definitely need a funnel to get the dye back into the applicator bottle. I'm an expert pourer but I lost half the dye outside the bottle and down the sink drain so I just dumped the remaining mix from the bowl on my head. Also the conditioner included in the kits is sheer heaven! My hair feels and looks so much healthier.