Okay
1. What questions should I be asking myself?
I should be asking myself about my plans, goals, current situation, and what do I feel is missing.
2. Is this what I want to be doing?
I enjoy my temp assignment and smile a lot during the day. But quite frankly the industry and the work atmosphere is not my cup of tea. I enjoy the paycheck but dislike the rampant homophobia and learning is for nerds vibe.
3. Why worry?
I can and should worry about my job situation - contract with no benefits. I should worry about my health - off the weight watchers wagon since my knee injury. I also should worry about paying off my credit card debt. But you know what? Millions of people have those same three worries! I am comfortable financially, have great friends, and love where I live.
4. Why do I like ice cream more than I like working out?
Because it's yummy and comes in many delicious flavors. More seriously, there were years where I loved working out. I loved getting stronger and being able to do one more rep or circuit. It seems like I am more disconnected to my body and what it can accomplish lately. Depression? Genes? Or my own personal greatest excuse contest?
5. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?
I really want to help raise awareness about brain injuries and its lifelong impact. Also, I'd like to help coach people to become their own best medical advocate. I really love teaching so I should look into tutoring or literacy programs.
6. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?
I want to be grateful, wiser, amazed, full of hope, and be in loved/loved.
7. Are skinny people better people?
For many years, I looked at skinny people like they were aliens. I read articles about skinny women moaning about gaining 5lbs in amazement. Of course telling myself skinny people were a completely different breed of humans, allowed me to tell myself that I am one of the fat breed. I'm coming around on these assumptions but I do enjoy seeing a stick thin girl wolf down a slice of pizza like she hadn't eaten in years.
8. What is my body telling me?
My body likes it when I eat healthy, baby my skin, and drink a lot of water. Unfortunately, I haven't been 100% on all 3 lately. Also, my body likes waking up with the alarm rather than hitting snooze dozens of times.
9. How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?
I definitely do have a lot of useless junk and when the weather gets better, my spring-cleaning will become a spring purging.
10. What's so funny?
I am slowly turning into my mother as I get older. Maybe we'll overlap someday and become twins? I give my cat guilt trips about cleaning his plate like he can understand the money I spend on his food.
11. Where am I wrong?
I am wrong to think I can continue with my current spending habits. I might be wrong about current financial comfort versus digging myself into a rut in yet another temp job. How many temp jobs can be listed on a resume until it looks like I'm a flake regardless of the crummy economy?
12. What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price?
I'm stuck in a rut socially. Not really meeting new people or trying to date. I'm not part of anything. I just go to work and come home. So out of sheer laziness and expert excuse-making, I am basically guaranteeing that I will die alone. God these questions are tricky... Oprah got me!
13. Am I the only one struggling not to blow off worship for my sofa/wine?
The last time I went to temple was Yom Kippur 2008. Shabbat service is even longer ago.
14. What do I love to practice?
I love to sing.
15. Where could I work less and achieve more?
I'm stumped on this one. I live a fairly efficient lazy life.
16. How can I keep myself absolutely safe?
Ask this question just to remind yourself of the answer: You can't. Life is inherently uncertain. The way to cope with that reality is not to control and avoid your way into a rigid little demi-life, but to develop courage. Doing what you long to do, despite fear, will accomplish this....yeah that controlled demi-life? See #12
17. Where should I break the rules?
Darn it, maybe I should just stop waiting for my Prince Charming to magically find me? Ditto for my dream job. Maybe I should just go out and get them?
18. So say I lived in that fabulous house in Tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous, adoring mate, and a full staff of servants...then what?
I have had a lot of time to dream up this answer. First, I'd buy my mom a house, then my brother. And I would give a nice chunk of change to the charities of my choice. Then, I would try to learn as many languages as possible, get my PhD, travel, and write (possibly self-publish).
19. Are my thoughts hurting or healing?
It depends on a daily basis. Some days, a litany of what I have gone through in my life washes over me making me feel like a victim of a cosmic practical joke. Other days, I reach for a glass with my left hand and I remember that hand was paralyzed once. Or I have a nice visit with my dad where I did not once remember what he did to me. I like to say that bad memories are like splashes of red on your mental canvas. Just because it's there and so bright, doesn't erase the other colors of happy memories and love.
20. Really truly: Is this what I want to be doing?
No
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Oscars 2011, My Reaction
Okay, I admit the recent "Wayne's World" skit on SNL kinda put this movie on my radar. The movie itself looks gorgeous and has excellent performances but it is depress-o-rama. Like The Hours level of depressing.
I have never seen the John Wayne version. This movie was definitely good. I couldn't understand half what Jeff Bridges said because of the accent and he was drunk half the movie. The young actress Haley whats her face is really excellent. But the breakout for the movie was Matt Damon. I had no idea it was him until much later.
It's tough to like a movie without a protagonist that follows a bunch of rich pricks. I did find the movie really interesting and Andre Garfield was excellent and the only sympathetic character.
I can't be unbiased about this movie at all because I grew up with a family member who stuttered and I had a speech impediment after my stroke that took me years of work to get over. Also, I am in love with Colin Firth and I am a history major. Love, love, love this movie. I laughed, I cried, and I cheered.
Here's a little secret about this movie - it's not really about fighting. The fighting is basically the background/setting. That really surprised me. The accents weren't that bad. Christian Bale's was the best. He did do an amazing job. I have a soft spot for Melissa Leo because of Homicide, Life on the Streets. I initially felt back that Mark Wahlberg got no awards love for this passion project but really his performance was just there holding up the picture so everyone else could ACT.
Ehh, nothing too amazing about this movie unless you're still in the OMG lesbians have children phase of your life. Mark Ruffalo is still sexy as hell. Julianne Moore's character bugged the crap out of me but I think that was the point.
This is the first movie where I realized that James Franco is a good actor. He totally carried it and kept me wrapped up in the ordeal. Also the movie is a good fakeout horror. You know eventually, he'll hack off his arm so every time he handles a knife or anything sharp, you hide behind your hands and think, "This is it! Hack central." Many fakeouts. I love Danny Boyle's directing style. The actual hacking is very gruesome and is not for the faint of heart.
I love how crazy and off-kilter this movie is. Just when you think you have seen the most messed up thing possible, the next scene breaks the record of fucked uppedness. Natalie did do a great job but I kinda wish it wasn't in a campy horror fairytale. Save those chops for serious roles kiddo!
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
The Other Shoe Dropped
Remember how happy and I love life-y I was last Friday? That old superstitious feeling of when life is really good, something crappy is waiting in the wings didn't stop me. The other shoe dropped: I fell really badly on ice Sunday and have wrecked my knee. I've been out of the office (working remotely) for two days. I've also had an X-ray and will have a cat-scan/MRI tomorrow. Yeah, this shit is FOR REAL!
By the way, I suggest never to google images for swollen knees. It's just too gross. My driveway is on a slight incline so when there is any melting, the run-off collects at the bottom and freezes. I was walking to my car Sunday ready to go grocery shopping when the world went sideways and I fell on my ass (my knee did something special too). After the yelped swearing I started nervously giggling. I was just sore and I tried to get up. The ice was coated with water from all the melting so I couldn't get any traction. Thank goodness a nice neighbor came by to help me up. It was only when I sat down in my car that I felt a twinge of something in my left knee. But I was already there with a soaking wet ass so why not go grocery shopping?
As I was pushing my cart in the canned food aisle, I felt it. Yeah, my left knee is not my friend. Every step came with pain and my knee felt incredibly unstable like it would suddenly ostrich on me.
I got home and shuffled over the sheets of ice in my street and driveway opening with many, "Oh shit, oh shit..." Somehow got me and my groceries up 3 flights of stairs then collapsed in pain on my couch. The rest of the day was RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation). I decided the let my knee breathe at night when I slept which was a horrible decision.
I woke up Monday morning in incredible pain and had to call in to work to explain my situation. I worked in my bed for as long as possible until I realized that I needed to see a doctor and I could not drive myself to the doctor because getting down 3 flights of stairs and getting across sheets of ice to my car without breaking my neck would be improbable. This is why I need a husband/boyfriend. Or at least a manservant. I'd call him Toby. But alas, I have no Toby to rescue me. I have a mommy.
The doctor's appointment was a lot more anxiety inducing than I had expected. I thought they'd poke it, give me good drugs, and re-wrap my ace bandages. Nope! Just a lot of concerned poking and range of motion tests then an order for an X-ray and a follow-up with an orthopedist. I forgot a key piece of this injury. It is on my left side. The side that has screwed up feeling. The side I have cut, burned, and pinched by accident because my brain didn't get the pain scream from my nerves. Man, those are fun gross out stories. So, the fact that I was feeling this much pain on a dulled side sent alarm bells off at my doc's office. So, naturally, I did what I did when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. I cried. Oh I made sure I was alone and it was just stoic tears. But my complexion doesn't allow me to mask tears (damn it). It was just a litany of can I afford these scans, what will happen if I lose my temp job, and being in an exam room getting unexpected news. The RN was really nice when she came back to the room. Not in a condescending way like talking an emotional loon off a ledge. She offered to write a letter to my boss explaining my medical situation which alleviated at least one concern. And she got pricing on all the scans I would be getting. Awesome, huh?
The X-ray was uneventful other than being twisted into a human pretzel. Good news though. Nothing is broken! Now, they think it's ligament/soft tissue damage. The knee is feeling a bit better today. I slept with it ace bandaged so compression at night seems to be key. It is still swollen to hell. The only way I can find my kneecap is pressing around to feel for bone.
By the way, I suggest never to google images for swollen knees. It's just too gross. My driveway is on a slight incline so when there is any melting, the run-off collects at the bottom and freezes. I was walking to my car Sunday ready to go grocery shopping when the world went sideways and I fell on my ass (my knee did something special too). After the yelped swearing I started nervously giggling. I was just sore and I tried to get up. The ice was coated with water from all the melting so I couldn't get any traction. Thank goodness a nice neighbor came by to help me up. It was only when I sat down in my car that I felt a twinge of something in my left knee. But I was already there with a soaking wet ass so why not go grocery shopping?
As I was pushing my cart in the canned food aisle, I felt it. Yeah, my left knee is not my friend. Every step came with pain and my knee felt incredibly unstable like it would suddenly ostrich on me.
I got home and shuffled over the sheets of ice in my street and driveway opening with many, "Oh shit, oh shit..." Somehow got me and my groceries up 3 flights of stairs then collapsed in pain on my couch. The rest of the day was RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation). I decided the let my knee breathe at night when I slept which was a horrible decision.
I woke up Monday morning in incredible pain and had to call in to work to explain my situation. I worked in my bed for as long as possible until I realized that I needed to see a doctor and I could not drive myself to the doctor because getting down 3 flights of stairs and getting across sheets of ice to my car without breaking my neck would be improbable. This is why I need a husband/boyfriend. Or at least a manservant. I'd call him Toby. But alas, I have no Toby to rescue me. I have a mommy.
The doctor's appointment was a lot more anxiety inducing than I had expected. I thought they'd poke it, give me good drugs, and re-wrap my ace bandages. Nope! Just a lot of concerned poking and range of motion tests then an order for an X-ray and a follow-up with an orthopedist. I forgot a key piece of this injury. It is on my left side. The side that has screwed up feeling. The side I have cut, burned, and pinched by accident because my brain didn't get the pain scream from my nerves. Man, those are fun gross out stories. So, the fact that I was feeling this much pain on a dulled side sent alarm bells off at my doc's office. So, naturally, I did what I did when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. I cried. Oh I made sure I was alone and it was just stoic tears. But my complexion doesn't allow me to mask tears (damn it). It was just a litany of can I afford these scans, what will happen if I lose my temp job, and being in an exam room getting unexpected news. The RN was really nice when she came back to the room. Not in a condescending way like talking an emotional loon off a ledge. She offered to write a letter to my boss explaining my medical situation which alleviated at least one concern. And she got pricing on all the scans I would be getting. Awesome, huh?
The X-ray was uneventful other than being twisted into a human pretzel. Good news though. Nothing is broken! Now, they think it's ligament/soft tissue damage. The knee is feeling a bit better today. I slept with it ace bandaged so compression at night seems to be key. It is still swollen to hell. The only way I can find my kneecap is pressing around to feel for bone.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Happiness Often Sneaks in Through a Door You Didn't Know You Left Open
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.
I just realized that life has been really good lately and I have been pretty happy. There were a couple bumps getting here but I found out listening to my heart and using my brain really helped. Work was really challenging the past couple of weeks dealing with month-end and quarter-end financials. There were a couple days where I wasted hours running the wrong report. Thank goodness for the great guy who is training me! He saw me stewing in frustration at my desk and we had a good talk in a conference room that helped me a lot.
I gotta say, the people I work with are really wonderful. They don't treat me any differently since I'm a temp. It took me a bit to get the feel for the group and somehow I've clicked in easily. It definitely helped that I brought in thinkgeek catalogs - which they thought was beyond awesome. In fact, I've felt so comfy I've been able to talk about my stroke with no huge drama with my manager and co-workers. That felt a bit healing. For so long, I've felt like it's a shameful secret I needed to conceal.
I'm still not going perm but my manager just told me he'd like to extend my contract. The pay is really decent and thanks to that, a lot of worry/stress has been taken off my shoulders. Also, the company even allows temps to telecommute for blizzards! Who knew how many blizzards we'd get this winter? It is so great not worrying about skidding into snowbanks on the way to the T or killing myself shoveling out my car in the dawn hours.
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
Health-wise, things have been really good. I had days where I have fallen off the wagon and my scale says I have plateaued. But that's probably because I suck at getting to the gym. Once I mix that in, I'm sure weight will melt off. Sure the scale says nothing has changed but my tape measure and clothes tell a different story. I have a couple pairs of pants that need belts ASAP. Even people who haven't seen me for a bit mentioned that I look leaner.
Also, this isn't a Buzz campaign but I really need to gush about this product. Long-time readers know that my hair has been thinning and looking pretty crappy for a couple years. I started using L'Oreal's Everstrong shampoo and conditioner a couple months ago and the change has been great! My hair looks healthy and feels a lot thicker. Plus, the smell is awesome - rosemary and juniper. It could be the combo of products and my diet. If you have thin hair, I highly recommend this stuff:
Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy
Final happy thoughts. These blizzards have helped me get to know my neighbors. My cat is totally my boyfriend now that he snuggles under the covers with me at night. My family is jam packed with great people.
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