When I was twenty-four I had a stroke. It was in the right side of my brain, so my
left side was affected. Initially, I was
paralyzed, numb, barely able to speak, and blind in my left eye. This brain accident has completely changed my
life in good ways and bad.
One of the great outcomes of surviving a stroke is that it
has given me a confidence that I can get through any set-back. Sure, I get worried and upset but is it
stroke bad? If no, I will be able to
handle it. I also became my own best
healthcare advocate. I speak up when
something doesn’t feel right and I never let a doctor downplay my pain or
concerns. I also found out how generous
and caring my extended family can be. I
truly feel the support and love I received helped my recovery.
Of course the lingering deficits are a notch in the bad
column. But I can pass as a regular
person so that makes any struggles bearable.
The feeling on my left side has not come completely back. I can feel impact and pain (eventually)
anything more is gone. I have cut my
left side without knowing it until I see a trail of blood. I burned my left ring finger when I didn’t
notice a drop of grease fell on it. I
have accidentally zipped up skin into a zipper and pinned my thumb in a dryer
rack. So, I have to be hyper vigilant
about Lefty. Also, my left shoulder is
permanently out of socket due to my initial paralysis and muscles not pulling
the joint back into place. Difficulties
in learning have gotten better but I still have problems with testing
situations, hearing something and understanding, memory is spottier too.
Another negative is my brain structure has completely
changed. A change in structure means
that brain chemistry is all screwed up so I’m on three types of medications; a
SSRI, anticonvulsant, and ADD. When I
say brain structure is completely changed, I do mean to include the new neural
pathways my brain has built but I am also talking about the hole in my
brain. Yup, whatever brain matter dies
from lack of oxygen goes away. Nothing
heals back; the brain just builds a detour.
Get me in a MRI, you can definitely tell I had a traumatic
brain injury.
My uncle had a stroke Oct. 31, 2012 on the same exact side
of the brain with a clot in the same artery.
He is forty years older than when I had my stroke so his recovery has
been a lot longer. I’m glad I have been
able to be a resource to my family about what to expect. But there is also a bit of survivor’s guilt
when I visit him and see his paralyzed left side. His speech and cognition is a lot better
than mine at the same point in recovery.
He is in his second rehab hospital and is scheduled to go home
mid-February. Now, all the emotions are
catching up with him and I think that’s good.
But man it can be overwhelming!
Realizing what happened to you, how close you came to dying, and trying
to strike a balance between hope and realism is so, so familiar… I’m lucky to have had twelve years,
medication, and really good therapy to share some perspective with him.
I have told him that with a near death experience, you
suddenly realize you can die at any second.
It’s like a veil of denial is lifted while everyone else is going on
about their oblivious way. It takes a
while to calm down the anxiety and awareness but eventually you get to join the
oblivious ranks. It's sad to say but it's nice to know someone else who gets it.
