Equinox

Life has been really good with my new place, roommate, and work. 

We have made job offers to two new analysts. One is starting this Monday, I have no idea when the other is starting. Both these analysts were offered higher compensation than I am currently making, $8K more. So I thought when they come aboard I will be getting a salary adjustment. Super Boss told me this week he wants me to be the highest paid analyst - getting over $10K bump! I had two really bad days this week. Tuesday I had to tackle a report that I thought I understood but when I had trouble and Super Boss tried to help with explanations, it just sounded like Jibberish to me. I couldn't connect the codes we use and interpreting the report request, my brain just got hung up so, as I always do when I'm overwhelmed, I cried. At work. In front of Super Boss. Again. Kinda sick of this y'all. I got home and had a good cry with my roommate who helped a ton. I figured out what upset me and attacked the next day with a plan and an apology to Super Boss. Thursday morning, I came in to four emails from Super Boss at 9:30pm Wednesday about four separate mistakes I made. I looked at what I did and could not figure out what I had been thinking. So guess what I did? I cried in my office. Luckily, it was early enough no one was really around except one warm, kind co-worker who gave me a big hug and encouragement. When Super Boss got in, I was done with crying so I asked him about correcting my mistakes. Since I am a champion poker player, he totally knew I had been upset and asked how he could help. I told him that when I make mistakes, I feel like a worthless piece of shit. Super Boss told me that I really need to not think that or even say that aloud because that hurts him. Aw!! I am usually better bouncing back from mistakes but this week was a struggle.

So my roommate is fucking fantastic. She is a great cook, gets along with my family, and we basically enjoy the same books, films, and tv shows. Also she is emotionally intelligent with a warm, open manner. It's so nice to come home from a tough day and have someone who is encouraging, and who cries with me. I had one request for our morning routine and she changed with no complaint! 

Living where I am in JP means I am a 5 minutes away from two orange line stops. I can also walk to two friends' places in under 10 minutes! And there is a grocery store here that delivers booze and toilet paper! People are really nice and the orange line hasn't been too much of an asshole - yet. The only thing I need to adjust to is street cleaning. I got towed the first week because I didn't read the street sign correctly but the second week was a breeze.

So stuff is going really well and the list of things I need to stress out about has been shortened. I just need to learn to relax and appreciate it. With work, I have a mix of people who are telling me to stop caring so much, a boss who gets upset when I'm upset, and a possibility of making the most money I've ever made. Maybe that is what's freaking me out? I am an expert in the midst of chaos in emergency mode but when that lets up, where's the next crisis to overcome? 

Everything is Awesome

The move last Saturday went well. The movers were really quick and they came in under quote. The cats handled the transition really well too. I was able to set up my bedroom pretty quickly and I put up their condo with toys so familiar smells were everywhere. Roomie's cat is very relaxed so no huge fights or hissing matches. Rasputin didn't really emerge for a day but Stella was inspecting everything. I have several boxes left to unpack and we have set Halloween weekend as a deadline to be completely unpacked. 

For my second night, roomie made dinner for me and her friend then we played board games. I have people to play board games with now! I might have had my car broken into over the weekend or I was a complete flake when I moved leaving my passenger door unlocked, open trunk, and open glove compartment. Nothing was stolen and nothing was added (dead body nor bag of coke). If it was broken into, they only have my remote fob. 

My new commute is a 5 minute walk to a T stop and a 20 minute ride. Since I don't need to stick to a commuter rail schedule, I have actually been working later now. Boo!

Tuesday morning I got a text message from landlady's son. I felt the familiar spike in my blood pressure and pit of dread in my stomach. Oh God what could he want with me now? No worries dear readers - I forgot to fill up the oil before I left. He tried to get my new address but I just gave him my work address. Sayonara psycho!

So of course work was nuts this week - 5 days of work in 4 days. I got a glimpse of a potential raise amount for me in the pre budget approval stage. If it gets approved, hooo boy! I also basically screwed up everything I touched Tuesday. I had a lovely spouse of an employee scream at me, call me condescending, and hang up on me Thursday. I was pretty upset that night but Roomie was there with a bottle of wine so I felt better pretty quickly!

Goodbye Quincy

I am all packed up and thanks to my brother, the place is pretty clean. The moving permits I spent $170 for have already been ripped down by someone in JP. I have no idea where the moving truck will park tomorrow. I'm not freaked out - I'm too tired to get worked up. Fun fact, the permit allows us to tow cars in the way. I'd rather not of course.

My plan tomorrow morning is to empty and pack one litter box then move the other to the bathroom. Maybe grab some Dunks, pack easy stuff in my car. Then corral the cats into the bathroom when the movers arrive. A nice portion of my stuff is going to the curb. Man, I have an insane amount of clothes! 3 totes and a trunk stuffed full. As each room gets cleared, I'll sweep up. Once we're done, the cats will be put in their carriers. After Stella takes a chunk of flesh from me, I'll try to get to JP ASAP. Roomie and I will stash the cats in the laundry room. Then all my stuff will merge with someone who has lived in the apartment for 8 years. I think I'll be moved in by 3:00pm. Wish me luck and easy street parking!

This past week was good but I was barely getting any sleep at night so my thinking felt very foggy. I'd have a realization and Super Boss would say, "Yeah, I just said that." I had my annual performance review Monday. I got overall the highest possible score, 4. Of course there were some 2's and 3's peppered here and there. I actually asked for one 3 to be lowered.

One part of the feedback got a strong reaction from me and it was only in therapy the next day I figured out why. I was told that I need to work on my tone when I'm stressed or disconcerted because there are more professional ways to express myself. I was not really clear on what that meant so Super Boss brought up a couple examples which I remember feeling really strongly and not liking how I handled things. I really wasn't aware it was so bad. So I felt a bit annoyed that I was being dinged for having human reactions but I asked Super Boss to please let me know when it happens again to make sure I understand what he's referring to. I felt really upset about this after work. I know I still aced my review so why let a comment bother me? Because I had so much trouble talking and recovering my tone, I feel like every lilt in my voice is an achievement - something I cherish. But yeah even stroke survivors should not sound like assholes. My lilts will be used for good. My interim plan is if I am feeling strong emotion, to not talk as much or build in pauses.

I got to use that method yesterday. Super Boss and I spent the majority of the day on the billing system that I have cleaned up, designed, and managed. The process had to go through major timeline revisions which totally confused us at department meetings. It was so funny when the new deadline was mentioned in a meeting as a statement of fact, Super Boss and I made the same WTF face at each other across the table. Thursday I set up an official meeting between us to decipher the new deadlines and what needs to change. I had printed a calendar with known deadlines and he brought a bunch of blank paper where we sketched out workflows and billing cycles for three hours. We accomplished something but really just the tip of the iceberg. My mind was whirring through lunch so I created a four month timeline projection but the dates and calculations weren't lining up the way I knew they should. So I knocked on Super Boss' office door and apologized saying that I needed his help. We spent another hour and a half perfecting the projection. It was a great collaborative learning experience but I did say sorry for waltzing in with a question that sucked up so much of his time.

Around 4, I had to tackle a billing issue with potential legal implications and needed a second set of eyes on the correspondence I had developed. I called Super Boss and asked him to come over. He seemed very flustered or rushed when he arrived so I felt a strong emotion. Uh oh - time to be quiet. It seemed to me he really didn't want to be sitting next to me critiquing a letter from his tone and body language. I started to feel guilty that I had sucke up so much of his time that day. I remained quiet and didn't speak above a murmur. We got sidetracked many times but the letter was completed. After he went back to his office, I shot him an email saying I 'm sorry, that the billing process takes a lot of time. He replied saying it's no big deal and had to be done. So I responded saying that I'll leave him alone tomorrow.

Cue him showing up in my doorway asking if it would be okay if he gives me professional advice. Of course. Then he gave me a huge impassioned lecture saying,"don't ever apologize for asking for help. If I don't have the time, I WOULD TELL YOU! Then you say you'll leave me alone. Don't ever say that. We're a team. We're here for each other." I started to apologize and caught myself so we had a good laugh. I explained that "misread the room" because I thought he was pissed. Yeah, I felt pretty strong emotion then - gratitude. Plain and simple. 

Thursday night I said goodbye to the sweet train conductor who told me months ago that I don't need to show her my pass, just my smile. She said some lovely things as a farewell and I did get teary.

This week the first man I ever fell in love with posted an old song we used to adore. Enjoy:

http://youtu.be/VJNkfgeN3K0

Illegal Apartment Living

This is my last weekend living in this shitty attic apartment that is nowhere near up to code and is probably illegal.  For the past six years, I....

...could not move my bowels, wipe my ass, and flush the toilet. The plumbing is so inadequate the toilet gets clogged all the time. I need to break down my bodily evacuations into steps to have a functioning toilet. I can only use septic safe toilet paper - and we aren't hooked up to a septic system!

...spent thousands of dollars on heating oil.  The eaves are not insulated so any heat just escapes.  I tried using plastic sheeting to stop the drafts but it made too much noise to sleep.  Most winter nights, I had the heat on, wearing layers,  with a space heater.

---have been screamed at and blamed for any repair I need.  The toilet needed a gasket and bulb replaced - my fault. A pipe burst in my bedroom after a power outage in the winter, my fault.

...haven't been able to take a long hot shower or bath.  The hot water doesn't last more than five minutes in my apartment summer or winter.  I can't wash a big batch of dishes at once.  During bad parts of the winter, I heat bathing water on my stove.

...have had trouble hanging anything on the walls  There is basically no wall, just layer upon layer of crumbling plaster.  Thank goodness for command hooks!

...have been told that the cats smell too much and I should get rid of them every single year.  According to my landlady's son, my cats are ruining the entire building.  This is the same man who trapped poor Rasputin in a room for a day after doing "repairs". This guy also thought my cats eat feces.  He's incredibly intelligent.

... had a pit of dread coming home, never had people over, and anxiety attacks.


For liability reasons, I won't post the link but let me say if you see a Craigslist ad for a Quincy apartment that looks too good to be true, it is.