Meditative Thinking For Non-Meditators

Last weekend I made a decision.  Since I am so stressed at work, anxious about Donald Trump, and have been struggling to treat myself well, I needed to figure shit out.  I had a bad spiral into negativity at work last week and unknowingly was saying nasty things about myself in front of Super Boss. So we had a run in, he got pissed, I apologized, he and I had a talk about the morass of frustrations we're stuck in. I kept asking him why does it matter what I say about myself and he said it creates a hostile workplace. In a phone call with my brother later that night he said, "Good for him [Super Boss].  You know he's right?" Two days later my mother said that same exact thing and I started laughing, "Did all three of you have a talk and decide to get me right with myself?"

My decision last weekend is to choose to focus my attention. I would stop myself from worrying about should haves, could haves, and what ifs.  The way I did this is when I felt the only familiar "Oh God, maybe..." worry brewing in my mind, I would go through a mental checklist - where am I, what am I doing, how do I feel. Somehow it worked! It wasn't easy on the more stressful days this past week but holy smokes I was so much happier!

The timing could not have been better for figuring this out because Super Boss and Baby Analyst had a really shitty couple of days.  Our analyst group got saddled with printing over eight thousand tax forms on a printer that overheats and jams.  On top of this we had to keep each form in an exact order because we had to run them through twice - once for tax data and second time for mailing address.  Super Boss handled printing the first three thousand and I completed the rest Tuesday. It was so nice Tuesday morning Super Boss came into my office and said, "I need help.  Can you help me" looking so tired and stressed and I told him of course I could help and thanked him for asking. Wednesday Baby Analyst found out in a meeting that she is going to be saddled with more administrative work because there is basically no one else who can do the work.  She has been an Analyst II for almost a year and she still is stuck doing her old administrative assistant work.  She was not happy. Her method of not being happy at work is not talking to anyone and looking miserable. Super Boss, her and I had a meeting to review a project we need to work on and she was just emanating sheer misery. Super Boss and I basically had whole conversations with concerned looks and tried gently to ask if she's okay. After the meeting, Super Boss turned to me, saying that he needed to fix this by talking to Mandroid and hopefully thinking of new solutions. My method of fixing it was going to Baby Analyst's office and informing her that we were having a talk.  She didn't do much talking other than insisting she is fine and crying.  I told her that I understand how much it sucks and that Super Boss and I are in her corner.  Afterwards I told Super Boss, "Man, I had no idea how it felt watching someone cry knowing you can't help so, mad props to you!"

Wednesday night, Super Boss found out some of the tax information was wrong, some of the forms were out of order, the printer ran out of toner, and was at the office until 2:00 AM.  He told me Thursday morning that if he had a job lined up, he would have totally quit Wednesday.  Thursday, an intern and I finished the second round of printing. I had a split second worry/thought that I could have accidentally gotten the forms out of order and screwed things up for Super Boss but where was I, what was I doing, and how do I feel.

I had two good talks with Mandroid.  He isn't a full Mandroid necessarily - maybe Vision? He listened to me, thanked me, and gave me good feedback/ideas.  Also, we had a kinda deep philosophical talk that made me appreciate his human-ness more.  Super Boss and I had a chance to discuss a lot of stuff.  He totally understands the Trump worrying plus he sent me some very good articles and I helped him with a worry/frustration he has about all the work our team is being saddled with.  I suggested thinking about it like every new project adds a tool to our toolbox. "Just call us tools." I joked.

The best part of the week is we had our first weekly Analyst team meeting!  We haven't had a weekly meeting for months and I missed them - they helped me learn from hearing what everyone is working on.  We talked about a lot of stuff this first meeting, Baby Analyst was in a hilarious mood, Worker Bee Analyst had great ideas, and there were a lot of laughs. I love how sometimes when Baby Analyst, Worker Bee Analyst, and I run with an idea, Super Boss gives me a look like, "What have I just started?" with a wry grin.  He announced that each week one of us would be running the meeting, cue Baby Analyst freaking out, Worker Bee teasing her, and me saying, "If you want the inmates running the asylum, sure!" then Super Boss' Look.

Have I ever mentioned Super Boss is a pretty fabulous feminist? He got worked up in a discussion with me after the analyst meeting saying how he doesn't like how people get encouraged to work on safe unchallenging work, especially females. He wants us to be challenged and stretch ourselves.  I told him that awesome Sarah Silverman anecdote from her pickup basketball team.  She's the only female and every basket she misses makes her feel like she has let down her entire gender but she looks at the guys on her team, they just shrug off their missed baskets.  My point was that when you're a protected class/minority failure carries a lot more anxiety/weight but I loved the goal to challenge stretch and grow.

Drumpf Freakout

The other dayI told a co-worker that there are only twelve people in the world with my last name and I am related to them and love them all.  She was surprised there were so few. I responded, "The rest of my family were murdered by Nazis."  So, nowadays while people are comparing Trump to Hitler, I have been really struggling. The struggle goes beyond disgust and horror at the U.S. political climate. 

My father is a WWII survivor. I grew up knowing children can starve and die.  WWII was not a memory for my family. It permeated my childhood letting me know that safety is not a guarantee.  I knew how lucky that we had food and clothes but that could all go away.  We also had volumes of albums made by my grandmother.  As I turned each page, I saw pictures of my father and my uncles growing up. But with each page turn, I also saw this disconnected faraway look grow in the little boys' eyes. They didn't have a childhood, they survived. And now they make up those twelve people left in the world with my last name. 

I want safety to be a guarantee for everyone. I want children to be able to play without fear.  I want to be proud of this country that took my father's family in as refugees. I want families to love and grow - not just survive. I don't think everyone in America has these same wants and that terrifies me. When I commute to work, I look around the train car trying to figure out who is a Trump supporter. Because I grew up knowing safety is not a guarantee and all that I have can be taken away. I also know how many "Other" boxes can be ticked off for me.  

While each week at work, a new person is being forced to resign so I feel tense and anxious, I feel just as tense and anxious just simply living in this country.  John Oliver helps "Clown town, fuck the world, shit show" was my spirit buoy. Chicago, North Carolina, and Kansas City protests lessens the cloud of despair following me everywhere.  I'm probably going through something like John Mulaney says, "Jews don’t daydream, cause folks are after ‘em and they gotta stay sharp, you know what I mean? They have to be there. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt." 

Holy Crap Lots of News!

This past week has been insane. Friday, Super Boss was out sick and hooked up to IVs. I barely saw him most of the week. Tuesday and Wednesday he was shut up in his office working on a ton of deadline items and cancelling meetings with me over and over. I caught up with him for a bit Wednesday evening going over a report and I tried non-urgently asking him about what was going on. His response, "I can't tell you."
Thursday morning all of HR got a sudden meeting invitation from the big Human Resources head honcho - the one who reports to The Powers That Be. All the managers met ten minutes beforehand. So, of course, with my history, I was trying not to go to the "Oh shit. Lay-offs!" panic. I tried really, really hard but as we filed into the conference room, all the managers were standing against the far wall. The dread in the pit of my stomach grew so I took a deep breath and told my face not to react the whole meeting.
I didn't get laid off but our department director is being replaced. Super Boss' boss - someone who has worked in the department for almost 25 years. A guy who is really nice and also drove me nuts sometimes. Head Honcho warned us this is the first of future changes. Some corporate suit is replacing our department director. I call him Mandroid. The department director will stick around for a bit to help with the transition. In my head, I made up a wishful story that he wasn't being forced out and that it was mutual because I know he has been stressed and miserable lately. But he totally is being forced out by The Powers That Be that chose to scapegoat him for bullshit that isn't his fault.
Super Boss knew a day beforehand and he felt really bad. The department director swung by our offices in the afternoon to have a little chat. He is doing okay, pretty resigned to the fact. I pointed out that he could spent more time with his grandchildren, get his blood pressure down, and focus on his health. He smiled at me and said, "That's a way to look at it." I nodded joking pointing at myself, "Yeah, that's also delusional."
Super Boss and I finally had our long delayed meeting. He kept saying how awful he felt but he meant like he felt like he was going to puke. We agreed it was probably stress so I told him to suck on a mint to settle his stomach. He still was feeling awful and was trying to go home early but got bogged down with more work. I called him several times just to order him, "Go home!" Since he didnt and it was 5:30, I stood in his doorway and demanded what he was doing. He was pale sitting at his computer wrapped in his winter coat.
Prince Analyst has been fired. Super Boss was just officially wrapping that up. Apparently Prince Analyst had informed him that he would not be able to return to work until April. This guy only worked as an HR Analyst for two full months since November. I'm glad we officially have a vacancy now. But I said to Super Boss, "Holy shit, the day you've had! I would feel sick too..." He got weepy all over again about our director being booted. I offered to give him a ride home since I had chosen to drive to work Thursday. He pointed out that he could get me sick, I shrugged and said I have a strong immune system.
Friday I dragged myself to work even though I was sick. Worker Bee Analyst was out sick in addition to Super Boss being out. I got what I needed to get done and went home by noon. Super Boss texted me later that afternoon that he has a norovirus and low blood pressure. He was so dehydrated, he needed IVs. I think I dodged that bullet thanks to coming home early, sleeping, and hydrating.