Group Therapy

Guess what I did last weekend? Me and over 170K of my friends hung out on the Boston Common.  I went with the expectation that maybe I could feel better after carrying this weight in my heart for two months. I definitely felt better afterwards! I had no idea how many people turned out until we tried starting the march - where my section barely moved while we saw far away people marching.  I loved Elizabeth Warren's speech and thought it was a sign that the sun broke through the clouds halfway through. I cried, I laughed, was inspired, and had aching feet/back for hours.

The next day, I signed every petition I could sign, made a list of organizations to donate to, during the week I called various senators regarding issues.  But towards the end of the week, I needed to disconnect from the news because outrage 24/7 is utterly exhausting. You have to admit this has been quite a shitty week for any intelligent moral American.

In addition to the world of politics, I have had to deal with some medical crap. I had a MRI of my neck Tuesday since I've had more spasms, pain, and hand numbness since my November accident. I found out Friday that I have disc disease and degenerative arthritis. I was stunned.  My doctor referred me to a spine clinic.  On the upside, I am not crazy I really do have A Thing.  On the downside, this is something I will need to manage my whole life. That made me incredibly sad because I am already so goddamn tired after two months!  Spine injections sound scary, I've had traction before so that's fine, and medical marijuana sounds right up my alley. My spine clinic appointment is is March. Wish me luck on dealing with another month of pain, spasms, and numbness on my own!

Bipolar Week

My ear infection didn't improve after a week on Amoxicillin but it finally started draining and stopped hurting after I drank this tea:

One of my co-workers who has been suffering through a cold as well, gave me a couple packets.  I call this "Magic Ginger Tea". But practically, I believe that my eustachian tubes were inflamed/blocked and ginger is a natural ant-inflammatory.

I developed a rash at the end of my Amoxicillin dose so I asked my mother if she remembers me getting a rash as a kid. She told me that she thought I am allergic to penicillin. Firstly, complete news to me! Secondly, this is my mom to a T. Keeper of information but not actual caring/application. Fuck...

Eager Beaver Analyst is leaving. He was given an offer he could not refuse from his former employer to woo him back.  I was stunned and sad. Him and I have been working together a lot and I started thinking he could be with us for a long time. He also is really similar to Super Boss with his approach to problem solving and sense of humor.  Damn it, he worked his way into my trust circle and now buh bye... I had a lot of emotions that I handled in my office then I had a good talk with Nu Boss.  He definitely helped and we figured out ways he can provide ongoing help - like finally taking over manager tasks I have been doing for months.

So, I have been frank about my father's "parenting" and the years of therapy I have gone through to try to recover. I have worked through a bunch of stuff but his shitty parenting reared its ugly head this week.  It all started with an empty cardboard box. I thought it was a rule that to dispose of a box, you have to flatten it. I thought this because I was beaten and punished when I did not do that growing up.  Guess what?  The "rule" I believed for forty goddamn years isn't a rule. That shook me to my core because I had absorbed this crazy bullshit rule and rationalized my abuse so completely, I was unaware of it.  I have been able to learn to tell myself that I didn't deserve a lot. My room-mate was a champ listening to me cry and work through this. She also told me some stories from her friends who learned just as effed up lessons from their horrible parents.

I took the SHRM-CP exam the morning of Friday the 13th. I was incredibly nervous and did not feel prepared. I didn't feel like I committed enough effort to studying.  This is how I felt before I sat before the testing computer.  Once I started going through the questions, everything was so familiar and my nerves disappeared.  It took me about 2.5 hours but I PASSED!!! As part of my studying, I took the SHRM Learning System online practice tests over and over. That is the key to my success - having a familiarity with how testing would feel/look.  That comfort level helped me call up all the information I had absorbed.  I was so happy, relieved, and exhausted afterwards. And I had so many people to text!  That is a wonderful feeling - having great people in my corner.

Shitty Month

I'm home sick today with an ear infection.  Yes, I am a forty year old with an ear infection - you read correctly. I am also using this time home to do further studying for my SHRM-CP exam this Saturday. Waves of panic and fear of failure have been a struggle recently.  It seems like every person in my class who took the exam earlier has passed so of course I am dreading that I'll be the one person who fails.

Work has been tough due to a major HRIS transition with no project management and some interpersonal issues with the staffing team.  The staffing team did not like me asking them to correct things themselves and I got two days in a row of "But Super Boss always corrected these."  Yes, he did but it's your job and he has been gone for FOUR MONTHS!  Nu Boss is still very supportive. He and I have major gripe sessions asking incredulously, "I can't believe..." or "Why can't they..." While the other repeats defeatedly, "I know, I know..."

My ear isn't the only health issue I have been dealing with recently.  The pain from being rear-ended last month has come back with muscle spasms and nerve pain. I was able to last watching most of "Rogue One" pain-free but it hit towards the end, I was barely able to move, and in tears after the movie. I'm getting an MRI of my cervical spine.

My room-mate was away visiting her sister during the holidays.  My brother stayed with me for a couple days.  It was nice to have him around to help me with stuff my back pain made difficult for me. The holidays in my family usually go like this - my mom gets all the presents and wraps them killing herself while my father basically checks out reading the newspaper in his chair barely interacting with anyone, never lifting a finger.  My brother and I help cook the holiday dinner.

This year at the big family holiday gathering, it hit me emotionally that I will never have children. So, I got sad and left early.  I always wanted to be a mother and love children.  Seeing cousins who I used to babysit with their own babies was hard.  I'm not part of a special club and never will be. I am usually okay with that but this holiday season, I wasn't.

I hope 2017 will be a less painful, healthier year so I am resupply my coping mechanisms!