Tough Weekend

Rasputin has been going through a lot lately.  He had a dental procedure August 11 to have teeth cleaned, some extracted, and abscess treated.  By the way, caring for your cat’s dental hygiene is a real important health task!  It isn’t a scam by vets to suck more money out of us and just because you never had to do it for your family cat growing up, doesn’t negate its importance. Unfortunately, I did not make teeth brushing a routine with Rasputin.  

He seemed to be doing a lot better after the dental procedure – eating a lot and playfulness coming back.  But the last couple weeks his drool has gotten worse, the left side of his face swelled up and he had been hiding in my closet sitting in a puddle of his own mucus. I took him to the vet September 16 and he had an infection near one of the excision sites. The white thing I thought was a tiny tooth was pus.  He got a shot of antibiotics and clearance to eat two cans of food a day since he lost two pounds in four weeks.  The shot and more food daily perked him up and I could see his face reducing back to normal size. I had a follow up this past Saturday and he has a tumor in the top left side gum. I was shown it and it came out of nowhere in a week!  The vet biopsied it and now I am waiting to hear the results.  If it’s benign, it’ll be an easy removal procedure.  If it’s malignant, he will probably not live too long. Thank goodness I took my room-mate with me to the appointment! I broke down crying discussing options. She helped me think through what to do next and stop blaming myself.

In a very health coping move, I drank a ton of wine Saturday night.  Sunday, I had plans to go apple picking with a cousin and her family.  Sunday was also ninety degrees and humid. It wasn’t completely horrible but I should have had an actual breakfast other than water and aspirin.  I love my cousin’s kids and her mom so I was having fun with trickles of sweat everywhere.  What I did not like was my cousin’s husband snapping and being nasty to her for every little thing. She sat there and took it looking exhausted. I was sad and angry on her behalf but did I do anything? Nope. I sat in the passenger seat with this pit in my stomach and froze. When my dad was like that with my mom, I knew when we got home I would be beaten.  So, that was where my fight or flight response was at on the ride to and from the orchard. They might have had a fight before I showed up.  Plus, it was a boiling hot day of apple picking with a 7 year old and 6 month old so that could be wearing on the calmest person. I hope she’s okay and it was just an aberration…

I Screwed Up at Work

Do you ever notice that venting can have two results? Result one: you released something pent up inside and you feel unburdened. Result two: voicing something pent up digs up more frustration/anger and you are left fuming. I had a session with an EAP counselor Thursday morning. I had hoped for result one but I was in the throes of result two when I attended a Benefits reporting meeting.

A meeting run by a manager who's completely oblivious and threw me under the bus a couple weeks ago. I was the only person in the room who had gone through the reporting process three years in a row. I hate it and it's a huge burden to the analyst group. Manager Clueless started talking about the current status and when I answered questions, I could hear how curt and abrasive I sounded. I really tried to get a handle on my tone but that made it worse so I kept quiet and took notes,

A little while later my boss asked to speak to me in my office. He told me that I should not attend any future meetings. I came off unprofessional and abrasive. I also made him look bad. I told him I understood and aapologized. Of course I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I had a cry alone in office, talked to my roommate and brother. I also asked for some time to meet with my boss for tips/feedback.

Come on, I don't trust many people in my department. Everyone is out for number one, willing to throw anyone under the bus. It feels like constant fight or flight.  I have also been actively searching for a new job elsewhere. Being fed up and over a job, absolutely CANNOT cost me that job! Any way I can figure out how to deal, I'll take it.

My boss and I had a really good talk over coffee and I felt better with a couple new ways to approach work. The huge thing I need to work on is my work is not me. It isn't an extension of who I am. Work is work and if there's a question or mistake, it isn't an attack. I also need to feed my outside work life more. My boss told me that I have been coming into work already miserable and it creates a strain on the Analyst group. Also my tactic of going quiet in the meeting gave the impression that I was pissed at everyone in the room. Crap on a cracker...

Autumn Ahhh!

Today it is sunny, dry, and in the 60s - the perfect day in Boston.  It is also Labor Day weekend - woohoo!  A lot has been going on so here's the update.

Work
I am looking for a new job not with my current company.  I really tried to make it work and survive with two new bosses and two new analysts.  In addition to a new HRIS system that is less functional than our old one.

The sign to get out was when I asked for a raise/promotion. I was told there was no budget and no upward movement in HR. On top of that, I was told that if I want to move up professionally at the company I have to find a different discipline/department.  I was disappointed and I knew their points were total bullshit. I had just seen a dozen raises approved beyond the fiscal year budget and a new position created out of thin air for some chick who had barely worked in our department for a year. Also, fuck them with the changing my discipline crap.  I've had three careers in fifteen years and I finally found something I enjoy and am good at - Human Resources  The final straw was weeks later the director who told me "No" revealed that he had absolutely no idea I had a Masters degree even though I sent him my resume before the raise/promotion discussion.

The HR Analyst job has also morphed into 8 hours of cleaning up other people's errors.  There is no analysis - all fire drills of lazy co-worker's making.  I work with people who can't do basic math or have basic reading skills so all day I deny job offers because the compensation makes no sense or deny personnel actions because the legal document attached does not match the action.  Oh yeah, we also have to magically be versed in contract law because our Legal department asks us questions about everything. I won't even go into the Bible quoting director who I had to tangle with.

I've had two interviews this past month. I've also been crying in my office every week from sheer frustration and exhaustion. My little analyst group are good people so that helps.

Life
I am still on a hunt for a new therapist.  For the interim, I have a regular appointment with an EAP counselor.  I had a new therapist lined up this past week but she tried to pull some shenanigans so I dropped her.

She is part of my health insurance network - something I checked before reaching out to her. As we were setting up my initial assessment appointment, she informed me that I have a $500 deductible and the session would cost me $80.00. Which made no sense if she's in network so I called my insurance and mental health administrator to check. I technically would only owe $10 as a co-pay. I told her this and she told me I might need the term deductible explained to me. Um bitch what? I work in HR and I am not having your scamming up-billing bullshit in my life. I'm worried she has tried to pull this on other people who don't know better...  Finding help is such a chore when you're struggling with depression.

I've had a pretty nice social life the past couple weekends too!  Awesome house party at a friends condo and drinks at Scholars with another friend.

Trump has been really hard to ignore or cope around this past month. At least we had 7 months before the Nazis, right? I'm Jewish and grew up on stories of my family surviving WWII so existential dread on top of depression and anxiety.

Family
My dad is back home from the rehab hospital.  He has OT and PT therapists visiting in addition to a nurse. He also has a life alert.  My mom can go back to work with some peace of mind and a support system.  My dad has also been treating her and my brother like they are his personal servants.  So, age injury and a heart attack has not changed his selfish sociopathic tendencies.  It just added a fun pastiche of self pity. I know that sounds harsh but he broke his hip because he got pissed with mom and wanted to show her - an 85 year old temper tantrum.  Sigh... he's probably going to outlive us all...