Change Curve

After two fairly positive and productive weeks, I hit an emotional wall yesterday. I had my first job interview yesterday morning. My old analyst team sent me good luck texts, my Lyft driver gave me tons of encouragement, and the interview went well. I got home and had a phone screen with another company. Then, I could not stop crying. To get myself amped up to be on for interviews, I need to invest in the potential job, potential new routine, and potential new co-workers. I also have to hold the investment in a bubble to either tap into again or have burst. It is exhausting. I can't let myself want a new job too much for protection.

I miss my old team - the daily laughs and support. I miss the routine of going to work and contributing. I'm also worried that I fit in so well at my old job, I won't have that again at another place.  I don't miss my old company - the politics and BS was taxing.  Unemployment is draining and this might be my last job before hitting the senior citizen zone.  Hitting the sads finally now.

My New Job

Every morning I wake up at 8:30 and over my first cup of coffee, I browse the job alerts I've received. For the next 3 to 5 hours, I submit job applications. I try to get outside at least once and talk to someone beyond my cats and roommate daily. The routine isn't too bad. After talking with my therapist to develop pre-bedtime rules, I am sleeping a lot better. Also, I got a tip from a friend that calcium and magnesium helps with sleep so that's my backup.

Since I"m home a lot more, I am noticing the cat interactions.  During the day, Stella and Shauna sleep in my room basically hiding from Phil. He is just very enthusiastic and his version of playing is ambushing them by jumping on their back. I'm hoping the aggressive play will die down once he is fixed. He's a goofy, lovable fluff who crawls all over me as I'm lying in bed at night.

Emotionally, I"m pretty good. My family and friends are keeping in touch and my spirits up. My old co-workers text me several times a week. Financially, I"m okay. It's going to be interesting to interview without the money panic fueling me. Maybe it will make me a better interviewee?

Week 1

My awesome roommate gave me a big hug when she got home Monday and told me while I cried that she wants me to still live with her.  She even came up with a plan about rent, bills, and groceries - which is why she rocks. I told her that we can wait to figure out the financial stuff when I get my unemployment insurance estimate. That night, I got the sweetest text from a former fellow analyst saying how sad he is to see me go and that I am smart, dedicated, and hard working. That he has no doubt that I will move onto bigger and better things. 

I had to take Lorazepam to sleep that night.  Tuesday was the day I designated to get business done like filing for unemployment, deferring student loans, and contacting my retirement plan. This was me on the phone with complete strangers:

Once I got all that fluid out, I updated my resume, contacted my professional network, and lined up references. So many of my family, friends, and colleagues reached out to help I was floored with the kindness

Tuesday night, I took a Benadryl, woke up at 8:30 and spent 5 hours applying, researching jobs, setting up networking lunches. Basically killing the whole unemployment thing.

I wanted to see if I could sleep unmedicated after a good day.  I can't. So today has been a slog. I survived unemployment when the market was in the toilet and the jobless rate was close to 10%. I just need to keep my spirits up with a routine, contact with others, and some patience/kindness towards myself. I'm going to try Melatonin tonight.

On a happy note, Phil is doing great. He annoys the crap out out Shanna and Stella when he is too full of energy but Shanna snuggles with him when they sleep. He also crawls into bed with me which is the cutest and warms my heart.

Laid Off...Agains

It was a nice four years wasn’t it? I guess I am technically graduating, huh? Around noon today the analyst group director asked me to come with him to a meeting. He was very somber and deflected when I asked if everything was all right. I was lead into a room with the department deputy director who had an envelope in front on herself. She calmly greeted me and I knew. I totally knew what was coming down the pike. I’ve done this dance before. The upshot is my department is being reorganized and my job was identified for elimination. I’m getting a month’s severance.
I was calm and started muttering “Oh God, this again?” then there were tears. The group director got weepy too. The deputy director told me how talented I am and offered to help me land on my feet. I asked if I needed to leave immediately. I did. I said farewell to my fellow analysts and coworkers. They helped me pack my boxes and I went home.
I’m just completely stunned and sad. My plan is feel my feelings for the next couple of days and then buckle down on job applications.