Wednesday, September 04, 2019

Really Great Vacation!

I took two days before Labor Day weekend off from work. In those two days, I had my new Tempur Pedic mattress delivered, rested, relaxed, and rewatched Avengers: Endgame.  The movie is great and makes a lot more sense on rewatch. There is a lot of emotional baggage for me because it was the first movie I went to after my dad died. I basically sat in the movie theater weeping throughout most of it. Second time around, some misty moments but a lot more together. The new mattress took a couple days to get used to. I had been sleeping on a mushy sagging Bobopedic for two years so actually having my neck and spine supported felt strange. I just woke up with sore pressure points but that resolved over time.
Saturday, my roommate, brother, and I headed out to Nantasket beach. I wasted a lot of mental energy planning, thinking up what ifs, and worrying beforehand. It was bonkers. What if we won’t be able to find parking? What if my new car can’t handle three people plus beach gear driving to Hull? What if high tide takes up so much beach, there is nowhere to sit. The weather forecast looked too cool. My brother and I had some miscommunications about timing which stressed me out. But guess what? Everything worked out fine. We found parking, got a beach spot, and had a ton of fun. I can’t really lie out with my skin tone so I tried to be in the water as much as possible. The waves were pounding in and I got to shoulder deep water. During beach breaks I reapplied sunscreen stayed under a hat and coverup. Once dry and hot enough, back to the sea! My favorite game is diving under when a huge wave crashed over and resurfacing somewhere. We listened to Sirius yacht rock to and from – which made the trip exponentially more fun.  When we got home, I only had burns in random areas that were missed by swipes of sunscreen.  My poor brother’s face was tomato red and my roommate’s upper back was purple emitting enough heat to cook an egg.
Overall, this was a perfect vacation for where I’m at. Maybe next year I’ll take a whole week!

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Farewell Childhood Home

This has been sitting in drafts for a while...

My childhood home's sale was closed today [July 31].  My parents lived together there for forty-four years. My dad lived there longer (with his first wife). It was a center entrance colonial built in the 1920's. The plans are to tear it down in September and build another soulless McMansion. Upside - my mom will have a nice retirement cushion.

Last night [July 30], we had a toast and farewell to the house telling stories and saying goodbye to rooms. The house changed a lot over the years. The study was an enclosed porch when I was little and we didn't have a second bedroom until I had moved out in my twenties. Part of the basement was my mom's pottery studio back in the 80's. We have four family cats buried in the backyard. Our first cat Miklos who got hit by a car the froze to death, KC got hit by a car as well, Max just died from old age (17), and Rasputin who died from cancer. We were all in tears at different points. It feels like mourning dad's death all over again plus this un-mooring in my life. I always had that house as a back-up if things went bad. My mom's place doesn't allow cats so I'll be fucked.

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Donald Trump’s Birth Chart


Donald Trump born Jun 14, 1946 10:54 AM Queens, NY

Sun in Gemini
The sun in Gemini people are fun-loving and ready for action. They love meeting
new adventures and doing something different.
Positive keywords
 for Sun in Gemini:
entertaining, magnetic, social, optimistic, charming, and humorous
Negative keywords for Sun in Gemini: restless, hyperactive, flighty, forgetful,
and apathetic


Virgo Ascendant/Rising
People with Virgo rising are often a little understated in their persona
mannerisms and appearance. Generally, there is an intelligent and
reserved aura about Virgo rising individuals that is unmistakable. These
are actually somewhat shy people who need time to analyze things
around them before they warm up to both situations and people. This
quality can be received exactly as that, or it can be received as a rather
stand-offish, cool, and even critical manner (depending on the audience).

One of the biggest personality traits of this position is body-awareness.
People with Virgo ascendants are sensitive to any discomfort or other signals
their body gives them. Many are especially interested and concerned with
physical health, and some are attracted to mind-body awareness exercises
such as yoga. Virgo rising people are often rather particular about food. Although
some have good appetites, there can be an
unmistakable pickiness about what they put in and on their bodies.

Virgo ascendant natives have a tendency to worry a lot, especially when
with new situations. They notice the tiniest details that others overlook.
Many people with this position have a tendency to attract (or be attracted to)
people who need help. Their relationships may be confusing as a result. Despite

Virgo rising tendency to appear rather collected and professional, relationships
 can sometimes be messy simply because these natives don’t
 always see their partners and partnerships clearly.
There’s a quiet charm to many Virgo rising people. Once they have the chance to
 warm up to new people and situations, you’ll find they have a lot to offer.
 They’ll help you out of a jam, go out on a limb for you, and surprise you
 with a natural modesty under a somewhat critical and standoffish manner.

Jupiter in 2nd House
With Jupiter in the Second House you will find luck, ease of working and
 general good fortune coming through successful and hugely profitable business
 ventures that increase personal wealth and property. This placing of Jupiter increases the chances for personal success, fortune and general prosperity. It inclines to government and responsible business affairs and tends to bring gain through law, insurance, banking, religion, science, education, literature and travel. You should attract success, wealth and a luxurious life style but there is an obligation to use such wealth in a positive and socially beneficent manner - through good business ability, sound investment, prudent spending and generosity.

Neptune in 2nd House
Neptune in the 2nd house is one of the most difficult combinations in terms of the physical and spiritual world. As most astrology interpretations state this position does not mean they will “suffer” from misfortune and never materialize money. It’s just that it is difficult to combine a ’fixed’ earth house with a planet that is the least attached to personal possessions.
Neptune lacks the ability to sustain itself in the material world and is the least worldly of all the planets. The 2nd house rules our personal finances, income, self-worth and the capacity to sustain ourselves, and it also rules our talents and abilities.
Wherever Neptune is found in the chart is where we identify with the victim/Savior archetype and it is also the place where we "drown". Neptune’s house is where we feel our most compassionate and sensitive, and it’s where we long to escape from the mundane responsibilities of life.
Neptune in the 2nd house may signify impracticality, confusion and chaos around resources. It may also represent the fantasy and longing for money so that this person can live out their dreams. Those with Neptune placed here do have to be careful of get rich quick schemes and being deceived by people who promise them the "earth" and an “easy way out” of their money troubles.
Those with Neptune in the 2nd house could find it difficult to see clearly the “reality” of a financial situation. A lack of discrimination and overly-compassionate approach to the material realm, often means there is difficulty in saying “no” to those who ask for help financially. These people can give-up everything they own, believing that money and resources will bring emotional closeness.
When Neptune is placed here it sometimes indicates sympathy for those less fortunate or unable to cope with the practical side of life. Neptune’s compassion may allow someone else to drain their own resources or Neptune in the 2nd house may heavily depend on the financial resources of others, and sometimes Neptune’s house placement represents the part of life where we feel we are the most dependent and "helpless". Wherever Neptune is in the chart it signifies where we can feel our most dissatisfied.
Many of these individuals are born with a kind of non-attachment attitude which often unconsciously contributes to financial difficulties. Neptunians can also be left confused about why money is lost, misplaced, or even deceptively used by others. The task for Neptune in the 2nd house is to feel that true sense of autonomy within and feel sustained by imaginative and “non-material” resources and pay attention to their material world without becoming its victim.

Moon in Fourth House
When the Moon is located in the 4th house of a natal chart, its position is considered a very fortunate one. 
This natal placement denotes a sensitive, nourishing and emotional mother that gives a lot of care and tenderness to the native. She has a strong Cancer/Moon emphasis in her chart, great abilities of cooking, raising her children and housekeeping. This type of mother will usually breastfeed her child longer than others and will continue cooking for the native even when he becomes an adult. There is a strong emotional bond between them, which continues as long as they are both alive. The native’s childhood was very secure, and he felt protected and safe in his mother’s hugs. During his very early years, the individual with such a Moon position was constantly keeping in his mother’s hugs; and such a close physical contact could continue even later. The native receives many caresses, tenderness, and love; he thus develops a sentimental world of big capacity, which follows him during the rest of his life.
Both the native and his mother have a strong urge of living near the sea, a lake, a river or some other source of water. If the Moon is positioned in a water sign, this urge is even stronger and the native will not find content unless he fulfills this dream. Water brings much comfort to his private life, acts as a source of inspiration and provides a lot of energy which will be used for the family affairs and everyday home routines.
The Moon in the 4th house makes family and home a big priority in the chart holder’s life. Having a family brings him emotional stability, and there is no way that such a native does not create one. Even if “malefics” in the 7th house prevent him from getting married, he will create something that will be structured as a family through some other ways. The native will copy his mothers’ archetypal behavior and will also develop his cooking talents, while will also be fond of housekeeping. Nevertheless, the Moon does not provide a very stable residence; he and his family will be frequently moving and changing houses.
People with their Moon in the 4th house feel very sentimental about their roots and ancestors. Their memories are a very important part of their personality, and they will frequently feel nostalgic towards their past. Such kind of natives are prone to collecting photographs and categorizing them in albums, as well as keeping a lot of objects that remind them of people and situations. Usually, there exists some family heirloom which they keep with great respect and will pass to their offspring. This heirloom can often be made of silver, or belong to the female ancestors, thus also passing to the female children of the line. There is a general attachment to the traditions coming from the family and/or the birthplace, such as the religion or the culture. Such kind of people will always take part in traditional events of their homeland, especially in food festivals and all which involve cooking. In addition, they keep their own recipes; this placement gives the pattern of having a grandmother and a mother that pass some very old recipes to the native. The person with Moon in the 4th house might be very attached emotionally to some special types of food that were cooked for him!
People with the Moon in the 4th house do not indulge in casual relationships. They prefer stable and nurturing bonds, and will stick with a partner for long if the emotional needs are fulfilled. If the native is a man, the type of woman he is searching for getting into a relationship can be literally a copy of his mother. Men with such a strong placement of the Moon can be considered unmasculine,. This placement simply brings heavy drinking of feminine energy from their mother, which can manifest through them afterward, even in their movements and in their way of speaking. And this is quite natural; we all tend to copy the moves and speech of people whom we hang out with. So, just imagine how much we can be affected by someone who is present during our whole life and for whom we feel such a strong emotional bond!
Sun in Tenth House
With the Sun placed in the house of career, this life area will be heavily emphasized in the native’s reality. The natal Sun in the 10th house is considered to be one of the best Sun placements, and in special occasions can bring fame, glory and great success.
This Sun placement indicates a successful and dominating father, who becomes a role model for the native while he is a child. The father is frequently a public figure or somehow have authority, and the child observes him being respected by other people. This admiration sets similar goals for the native when he grows up; he has the urge to experience the same attitude from the world towards him, and will strive to create himself a successful career. His self-confidence is strongly connected with how other people view him, and he will put his job as a first priority in his life. The native’s aim will not only be to establish a good career; his job is more of a stepping stone towards becoming a paradigm for the community. It is the acceptance from masses that he desires the most.
A native with the Sun in the 10th house will enjoy public speaking, and generally appearing in front of other people. He has good leadership abilities, and this natal placement can make someone a strong politician or spokesperson. He likes to be the boss, and the Sun is definitely inflating his ego. If the Sun is adversely aspected, the selfishness and egoism that develops will frequently make the person fall from his position, while also can indicate scandals and public disgrace. With good aspects, the good fame is maintained during his life.
The Sun in the 10th house can also create actors, then might indicate fame. A definite treat that it gives is the ambition to climb up the professional ladder, and the native will adjust himself to some image that will help him get accepted. The Sun here will make him invest in clothes and other things that will help his image shine more.
The native should be rather careful not to start identifying his own self with the image that he shows towards the others. In such situations, his personal life can get in trouble and his dear people get estranged, because he will be imposing his career image towards them. This image will be quite different from what they are used to see in him, and they might feel he is a totally different person, sometimes judging him for being fake. Indeed, if the native has some planets in the 4th house, there might occur oppositions with his natal Sun in the 10th house, creating dilemmas and tensions between his profession and his family.
When a native has this placement, his career might be structured with the help of his father. This natal aspect is typical for people who receive a ready job with already existing clients, and thus will frequently make a native become an advocate, a doctor or anything that can grant a list of clients from his father. In addition, it can bring clients from other strong authority figures; the native will have friends who are in power positions and will constantly recommend him to their surroundings.
Generally, when a person has his Sun in the 10th house, he will not like working for some other employers. He wants to hold his fate in his hands, and very seldom would someone with such an aspect agree to do a job as a simple employee. Nevertheless, such people are usually offspring of rich families and there will be no strong need to work in order to survive. The person with this Sun placement will take his time to study and to become strong enough before entering the job world.

Uranus in Tenth House
Natal Uranus in the 10th house may strongly influence the native’s career choices, making them very picky about what they do in their life for a living. This eradicates the risk of working in jobs that they do not like, and can eventually lead to doing a dream job. Or more precisely, creating it on their own.
The erratic nature of the planet is making the native feel uncomfortable in orthodox types of careers, which involve routine. For such people, a perfect job is something non-monotonous that can offer very strong mental stimulation. As Uranus is responsible for everything connected with technology, internet jobs are one of the best solutions so that the individual prospers.
Such people dislike authority and will not submit easily to employers; thus a freelancer career and being self-employed is more suitable as it can grant freedom of movement. In case that the native has to work under the instructions of an employer, Uranus will definitely rebel in some moment; this will most certainly lead to quitting the job in a quite unpredictable manner. Indeed, the 10th house individual may be very hasty in such decisions; he will even quit the exact moment that this idea appears in his mind. An adversely aspected Uranus can lead to long periods of unemployment or quick small jobs, as the native has a deeply buried repulsion towards applying for interviews.
In addition, Uranus in the 10th house can bring sudden genius insights and make a person an inventor. He can literally invent his own career, even if it is not connected with electronics or technology. Uranus can make an idea suddenly appear in his mind, and dictate him to follow an occupation that is rather pioneering, unique or even weird. In any case, Uranus will bring quite a lot of changes in career direction, many parallel projects and alternative collaborations with eccentric people.
As the 10th house also rules the individual’s stronger parental figure (usually the father), this parent may have been himself of a weird nature. The native as a child observes the parent having a rather different approach towards work than the rest of the world, and copies this pattern to reproduce it later in his life. The father may be an Aquarius or somehow have Uranus prominently emphasized in his natal chart. He usually dislikes social climbing to authority positions, may be an altruist or a revolutionary and these traits inspire the young native, who will also become a nonconformist while choosing a career.
Uranus rules unexpected events, and when located in the 10th house can bring sudden publicity, even if it is unwanted by the native. Usually, this happens due to some unique characteristic of the individual or his actions, and he will appear in the news or be known by the society for being an extreme paradigm. His life and career can be very interesting for other people to know, and any information about the native will be presented under the label “believe it or not”. If Uranus is adversely aspected, the publicity may bring difficulties to the person. He might feel that people make fun of his uniqueness and mock him, while also be a part of a scandal. The mass will gossip about him and he will feel pressured and uncomfortable while in the center of attention. On the other hand, public opinion is not really something he is concerned about, so any negative effects will pass soon.
During some positive transit of a planet to the native’s natal Uranus, his career can take off like an airplane and reach great heights that he would only dream of. Beware though, Uranus acts the same unpredictably in the opposite way too. A hard transit might even make a business empire crumble to ashes. Of course, one of the good traits that a tenth house Uranus offers is an indifference to failures (well, victories too). The native will gather the ashes and will be reborn as a phoenix eventually, provided that he still cares to create a new career and not just indulge in living. Because indeed, such people care a lot more about life itself than self-defining through what they do as a job. In extreme cases, especially when the wealth houses provide the native means to live, he may even consciously choose to not work at all.
Mercury in Eleventh House
Mercury is the planet of intellect, communication, and mental abilities. Being in the 11th house of a natal chart, it strengthens whatever has to do with group interactions, mental companionship, and friendships. In this placement, the native is naturally curious about the structures and functions of groups; this usually leads them to become part of such. The person with such a placement is strongly attracted to community affairs, being frequently a member of cultural organizations.
This lifelong curiosity of discovering human intelligence brings a lot of friends, who frequently come and go as Mercury is a fast moving planet. A lot of pleasure and joy comes through one’s friends, especially if Mercury in the 11th house is strengthened by Venus in conjunction. There is a high possibility of having the Sun in the same house too, because the Sun, Mercury, and Venus are always traveling close one to each other on the celestial trail of the ecliptic. In such an occasion, the native‘s life is illuminated by his friends, and they become an important priority or even his life’s basic factor of stability.
The 11th house Mercurian personality can identify his goals and choose the correct partners to work with. He always tends to join projects that involve more than one person, where collective brainstorming can make the outcome much better than strictly personal work. Teamwork brings pleasure and the anonymity of a group helps his ideas flourish better. In case that Mercury is in a double sign like Gemini or Pisces, the native runs more than one project simultaneously, giving a brilliant mind for parallel thinking.
When Mercury in the 11th house is adversely afflicted, his numerous friends can be chatty, and their loyalty might be under question. This is quite natural to happen because the amounts of acquaintances and friends can be much bigger than for an average person, and the chart owner pays little attention towards discriminating who of them are quality and who should be avoided. He rather views the mass as a whole, accepting the fact that superficial and dishonest people are naturally part of the mass too. In case that there are very difficult squares with Mars, Uranus or Pluto, the pattern of betrayal by friends is often to be observed. This by no means indicates that the native with Mercury in the 11th house should stop opening himself towards groups; however, more attention should be given to whom he chooses as the closest persons to him.
Mercury in the 11th house makes the native care a lot about how he appears in other people’s eyes, even though they seem not to be so concerned about their real conditions. This does not happen due to some subconscious need to show off, but rather in the need to blend harmonically with the group and not feel that the eyes are turned towards them due to differences. The 11th house is also responsible for wealth, as are the 2nd and 8th houses. The difference with the other two houses is that the 11th one does not refer to earned money from everyday activities, nor to joint recourses of other people that the native handles. When we speak about the wealth of the 11th house, it is about the big money, the permanent rise that comes once, the luck that will change the person’s life forever. 11th house wealth is activated less frequently, as it is mostly triggered by external situations and not by some conscious efforts from the native. There has to be a connection between the planets involved in the 11th house, and the ruler planets or/and signs that occupy the 2nd or 8th house, in order for such a wealth rainfall to happen. Mercury here is a positive placement, allowing the native to unexpectedly prosper through publishing or public speech in general. In case of adverse aspects to Mercury, he should be careful of contracts and other legal issues which might cause problems between him and the group.
Mercury in the 11th house is a great position for people involved in jobs that have to do with recurring patterns. This would create a great journalist, an image-maker, and whatever involves describing and creating new trends. Mercury pays attention to the details, even if this can mislead into looking at the tree and not the forest. The ability to store and compare behavioral patterns gives great ability to follow sociological, ethnological or even historical sciences. Indeed, such type of minds not only can understand a lot better the whole picture of a stereotype but can also accurately research beyond its surface. If Mercury is exalted, a scientific career in such a field would be the best professional choice.
The one thing a native with Mercury in the 11th house should be very careful of is his tendency towards gossip. Of course, talking about others is a natural means of communication, especially if it is done kind-heartedly, and that is what most of such people feel. Their natural curiosity is making big amounts of information about other people available for them, and it is logical that some of the details are either private or not to be shared with the mass. One should be very careful of not violating the general rule of keeping his nose away from other people’s business because this can, of course, comes back to him. Search for square and oppositions to Mercury in your chart, to see from which houses they are cast by other planets; those would be the areas of life that you should be more careful with sensitive information. In case that Mercury is very close to the 12th house cusp, a native has increased possibility of having access to secret information that can become even dangerous if revealed. Do not forget that the 12th house is the house of secret enemies, and especially its cusp is a very potent point of the personal chart. If your Mercury is placed there, handle your information carefully. Not only for the sake of the other person but mostly for your own safety and well-being.
Venus in Eleventh House
With natal Venus in the 11th house, the chart owner receives quite a lot of blessings from the planet concerning his social activities and friends. This placement is wonderful for giving and taking love and affection from various groups of people, makes the native highly liked and even the heart of a company.
Venus in the 11th house will bring quite a large amount of friends and acquaintances and the person with such an aspect is an extrovert and very outgoing. All group activities flow in a harmonious way, giving him a lot of pleasure and making him be the center of attention. Venus in this house indicates flirting through groups of people, which will often also bring lovers who were previously friends
An 11th house Venus will give to the native friends of an artistic nature, many of them being musicians or other types of performers. In addition, this also signifies friends that work with beauty products; beauty and fashion even become a central theme of conversations that can blend the group itself.
Due to the fact that the 11th house is opposing the 5th one, which rules love affairs, an individual with such an aspect will frequently prefer his friends over his lovers. In case there are some malefic planets in the fifth house directly opposing natal Venus, this placement can make various problems arise between the native’s friends and relationships. His lovers will usually be upset by the amount of time he dedicates to other people, and will frequently feel abandoned. This can lead to hostile actions towards his friends, especially if the planet placed in the fifth house is Mars or Pluto.
Venus placed in the house of group activity can greatly aid in all matters concerning organizations. The native with Venus in the 11th house will probably belong to at least one social community or club, and will be considered a vital part of it. Venus alone does not bring leadership, yet this can also happen if it is supported by Jupiter, Pluto or Mars. Usually, the native dedicates his attention to spending his time well through such organizations and does not have any particular inner need of receiving an authority position.
An adversely aspected Venus is making the individual rather careless with the friends he chooses, as he rushes to embrace all the people he meets as acquaintances. If Venus is ill-aspected by Mars or Pluto, problems can arise in those groups due to erotic reasons. The native may create awkward situations by dating people from the same group, which of course will have a rather turbulent effect. Nevertheless, the natural politeness of planet Venus will resolve such issues sooner or later.
The 11th house also refers to help received from friends, and Venus in the 11th house will definitely bring a lot of it. Many of the friends may be quite wealthy and will provide the native with all the necessary aid. In case that Venus is very positively aspected, especially by Uranus or Jupiter, the native can become very rich through a friend. The friend may want to share his wealth with the native, or somehow find some way so that the individual reaches financial prosperity.
In a man’s chart, such a natal position of Venus indicates a lot of female friends and very good relations towards the opposite gender. As the 11th house is traditionally ruled by Aquarius and Uranus, planet Venus is receiving rather alternative vibes and becomes quite altruistic and eccentric. The native’s affection may be of a “multitask” nature, as he is able to channel feelings of love to more than one person simultaneously. As a natural outcome, such people are more likely to experience romantic affairs with more than one person at the same time, and can even give tendencies of polyamorism and other forms of liberal affairs.
Saturn in Eleventh House
An individual with his natal Saturn in the 11th house will be very careful and serious about his friendships. The barrier the planet imposes may sometimes alienate him from groups and companies; nevertheless, it can also act as a great filter for making the best choices concerning his friendships. 
 As many other astrological houses that are above the horizon, the 11th house is a rather good placement for one’s natal Saturn. 
In case that Saturn is well-aspected, the planet will actually manifest as a benefic planet, building long-lasting relationships with friends and groups that are becoming even better when they mature. Saturn’s good side indicates stability and support, and the native’s eleventh house will eventually become a basis on which he can always find shelter and safe-haven through difficulties.
Saturn can bring quite a lot of friends who are of an older nature than the chart owner. This usually indicates a wonderful relationship with one (or more) grandparents, which the individual was considering as real friends during his childhood. This pattern continues during his whole life, as he has learned to communicate on a higher level with older people. They perceive the native as one of them, even if he is still lacking in experience. Indeed, he can frequently follow a lot of the elders’ traits, and many times find through them shortcuts to wisdom that another person would need years to reach.
On the other hand, an adversely aspected Saturn can bring quite a lot of loneliness. The native may not trust his friends and generally abstain from group gatherings, while also have an automatic disdain towards being a member of organizations. He will like his loneliness and find comfort in it; large groups of people suffocate him and he builds an inner barrier towards such kind of events. Difficult aspects with Mars or Pluto may indicate traumas concerning friends in his childhood, which probably made the individual feel as a social outcast. Alternatively, he may have been pressured a lot by friends and feels that a friendship requires a lot of responsibilities; this may lead him to spend a lot of time on his own.
A person with Saturn in the 11th house does not open his gates easily to strangers. He prefers to hang out with people he has already trusted for a long time, and who have proven to be real friends. This characteristic may even lead to rejecting new acquaintances, which can be rather unfair if exercised towards everyone without even giving a chance.
When being a part of a group, such an individual will always preserve his individual traits and will never blend totally. Even in social circles that function with balance he prefers to be a lone wolf placed at the borders of the group than to lose his identity in the collective soul.
The 11th house rules goals and dreams, while also is the hidden house responsible for large wealth. Saturn placed in the 11th house does not necessarily mean failures in these matters; but definitely will delay them until the second part of one’s life. Of course, the aspects to natal Saturn have a very strong influence and adverse ones may make such achievements a quite difficult battle. Nevertheless, a well-aspected Saturn can bring a lot of fortune during the native’s old age, which can be also connected to good karma worked out through giving care and attention to old people. One could say that the grandfather’s blessings to the grandson will come into action at the right moment, and even grant a very pleasant last part of life to the individual.
Natal Saturn in the 11th house is probably the best placement for planning and organizing of a group of people. Saturn grants a strategic mind, being able to understand thoroughly the way a group is structured and how to choose correct patterns for building it. The native views groups as an architect would view a building to be constructed. A small disadvantage would be that such a native will be rather slow in developing the structure of the system, nevertheless this would enhance its stability and it would last longer. Curiously enough, the native himself would not like to be a part of it, even if he was the major contributor in its creation!
If you have Saturn in the 11th house, enhance it as much as you can through caring of the elder people around you. By giving love to people that most others forget, you can brighten up their lives and make their final stage a lot more pleasant. In return, Saturn will not forget about you- his gifts may take some time to come but are also long lasting.
Mars in Twelfth House
Natal Mars in the 12th house can be a rather disturbing or even dangerous placement, as its presence here indicates difficulties in expressing one’s anger and aggressive emotions. This can have as a result violent explosions when the oppressed energy reaches a critical level, and people with such an aspect must definitely learn techniques of anger-management.
A twelfth house Mars indicates that the native can have been bullied as a child, or even be a victim of physical attacks. Even if this did not actually happen, the nature of the 12th house can have brought to the individual a lot of fears concerning physical violence. As a child, he may have been frequently afraid of being beaten by other children or even his parents. This placement can create traumas or even make the native feel like a coward. These fears of being bullied without being able to properly retaliate build a pattern of preferring to flee rather than fight, mostly due to insecurities related to the outcome of the fight. The native is afraid of being defeated and will often avoid conflicts even with a less powerful opponent, just to be sure that he will not lose.
Also, during the childhood years, expressing anger was being kind of forbidden. The native’s parents and other people surrounding him were not tolerating powerful outbursts of the child, which in turn was leading him to have introversive implosions rather than a healthy direction of possible negative emotions. Holding those feelings inside definitely brings feelings of restlessness, and such repressing tendencies either make him burst when anger reaches a threshold or (in more difficult situations) bring a lot of self-undoing and auto-destructive actions.
A badly aspected Mars shows that he has no firm control of his energy and violent emotions, and thus he can even cause conscious malice to others when his wrath or hatred go beyond control. A person with natal Mars in the 12th house is strongly advised to strengthen its function, and the best way is by indulging into an active life. Sports, martial arts and all activities that empower the body can heal the native’s self-confidence, providing to Mars the necessary energy, and especially the necessary channels for it to flow outwards. In addition, such a native should battle his fears of anger expression and allow such outbursts. Even the fact of de-demonizing them will have a positive effect, as he will no longer struggle by burying such emotions deep in his psyche. 
In some situations, the newborn individual may have experienced pain during childbirth. This can, in turn, make him feel that the world outside of his mother’s womb is violent and threatening. If Mars is adversely aspected, the individual can develop fears and paranoia concerning war and mass calamities. Indeed, Mars in the 12th house is not the best placement for such events, especially if it is located near the Ascendant. A twelfth house Mars person should try to keep away from guns, wars, demonstrations and sharp machinery, as there are quite a lot of possibilities to have an accident.
Mars in the 12th house can indeed bring hidden enemies, especially males. But what is more frequent to happen is phobias about having hidden enemies, even if they do not exist. Actually, the appearance of some real enemies among friends will make the native cautious in his approach, always searching for hidden behaviors in other people near him. Being backstabbed in the past makes him want to prevent that to happen again, so he will often even become paranoiac, imagining hidden tactics in other people’s movements. In addition, his alert makes him always ready to strike first, and there are quite a lot of possibilities that he will accidentally hurt someone just because of fear of being hurt.
As the 12th house is connected with social institutions, the native may have some involvement with prisons, hospitals or monasteries. If Mars has positive aspects, the native may gain quite a lot of experience from working on such projects in institutions of restriction. On the other hand, difficult aspects can indicate bad luck with those, so a native is firmly advised to keep far from any criminal activity as it may bring a legal trouble and possibilities of imprisonment. Seriously, with a 12th house Mars, the risks of getting caught are quite big, as also the chances of betrayal from a friend who is a snitch. Stay clear of
 anything illegal.


Pluto in Twelfth House
With natal Pluto in the 12th house, the chart owner will definitely experience
 a very intense life. This placement is a rather complex one and is not the easiest one to “own” positively. On the other hand, the transformation that it grants may evolve the native to a totally conscious human being with deep wisdom concerning life, death, and existence.

Pluto usually signifies a trauma connected with the house where it is placed in,
and when in the 12th house, it can indicate quite a lot of issues
concerning the native’s subconscious. The twelfth house represents the last
hours before birth, and Pluto’s presence may show a near-death
experience of the infant native. There might be a lot of difficulties
during labor, and the child might feel a lot of pain both before and during birth.

As the 12th house also rules secrets and hidden things, the individual with such
a placement is strongly drawn towards them. He might be extremely curious in
possessing answers for his questions and can become an exquisite researcher
or investigator. People with such an aspect will literally drink information to
 satisfy their curiosity, but will rarely speak themselves about their own secrets.

And they might have a lot of them, especially connected with their sexuality.
Pluto represents a quite raw, aggressive and obsessive part of the human
sexuality; when placed in the twelfth house, it can bring a lot of sexual 
fantasies, especially of a violent nature. If Pluto is adversely aspected, the
native may have experienced sexual assault or even rape, which he usually will
try to hide from everyone.

Of course, in case that you have Pluto in the 12th house, the best way to
handle such raw energies is to symbolically bring them to life with your
significant other or a person you trust. In addition, an individual can develop
strong masochistic tendencies if Pluto is adversely aspected by Saturn or Mars.
 Such aspects can be connected with deep psychological wounds from the
 childhood, and in case they are present in a natal chart the individual is advised 
 to speak to a psychologist.

As the 12th house can even have an influence on one’s body (especially if a planet is near the Ascendant), Pluto in the 12th house can even become
physically dangerous. The 12th house is an open gate, and an ill-aspected
 Pluto can indicate becoming a victim of black magic, and generally having
 powerful enemies. If you have such a placement, keep in mind that 12th house
 enemies are usually hidden from our eyes; the best way to understand a 
 Plutonian enemy is to see who has a rather obsessive behavior towards us and
 reasons for being jealous and controlling. On the other hand, a well aspected
 Pluto here acts as a strong shield, which not only protects from hidden enemies
 but can also return them any attempts of causing malice.

The 12th house rules all types of restriction, whether it is in an institution or in
one’s own mind. Pluto in the 12th house can bring intense isolation from the
rest of the world, especially when a slow-moving planet is forming a transiting

aspect towards Pluto. During such periods, the native’s psychic ability is being
strengthened, and he can understand a lot of the mind’s functions.
The natal chart owner has abilities of re-programming his subconscious, and Pluto here will definitely bring transformative experiences – usually concerning healing from traumas. The effects of such a healing will be permanent, yet the slow pace of Pluto indicates that a lot of time must be dedicated in order to fight
one’s own demons. The native will also have tendencies of repressing anger, rage, and wrath deep inside him. This placement indicates a lack of healthy

externalization of these powers. Many times people with such placement will prefer to hide their real emotions; both due to fear of hurting others and of fearing
to lose control. With this placement, an individual is obliged to find healthy ways to release such feelings. If he does not find, the Plutonian energy can erupt unexpectedly and very self-destructively.

In any case, Pluto in the 12th house may be one of the most difficult ones to
handle. The dark traits of Pluto can even be hidden in the core of one’s
existence, so tightly bonding with the general life perception that the only way

is accepting them. The native with such a natal placement should invest a lot of 
effort into understanding his own self, especially the dark sides of his life and 
character. When he will see the big picture, and realize that even his darkness 
is a result of underground subconscious currents, he will finally find ways to
 accept it and embrace it.


Sunday, July 14, 2019

July is A Lost Cause

Tomorrow would have been my father's 87th birthday. Next Saturday is his memorial.  My childhood home will be signed over the end of the month. The plans for the crater where my childhood home will be are posted online.
You know how we found out about this?  Some asshole called my mom asking if the house is still for sale. Rather than the developer or realtor - the actual contact info posted.  Guess what dude?  You aren't a go-getter, you are a creepazoid.

I also hate the world in between bouts of crying. My mom and brother aren't doing well either. I am forcing myself to go to work every day to get out of my head and do something.  I'd rather stay in bed all day. But on the upside, at least the MBTA has given me a socially acceptable rage outlet. I am loving that everyone is over their bullshit and are sick of the excuses.

I know I will have good days eventually but this has been a tough month and I'm tired of being sad.

Friday, June 14, 2019

Buy the Card

Father’s Day is going to be difficult this year. My heart aches with every ad I see. My family has already made plans to spend the day together as proactive step to deal with pain. You know what made me feel a million times better?

I looked through Father’s Day cards at CVS. It felt so normal. I immediately was able to rule out the beer, grilling, and sports themed ones. I was able to read the mushy love ones then I found THE card. I bought it. It doesn’t matter that he’s not here. It mattered that I could be like everyone else and a card made me chuckle thinking about him.

Sunday, June 09, 2019

A Bit Better

My workplace is coordinating EAP counseling with medical care and since I scored so horrendously on the wellbeing survey, I signed up and it is definitely helping. I'm also seeing my talk therapist. More tools to help me get through a difficult time. EAP sets defined goals and helped me with my seizure situation. I got an appointment with a neurologist at Tufts pretty quickly thanks to them!

The awesome supportive neurology resident and attending listened to me, assessed, and discussed possibilities. My Keppra dosage is being bumped down to 1000 mg daily. I'm also going to consult with a cardiologist just in case my seizure was really syncope.  I'm also getting a sleep study done. Because the side effects I'm blaming Keppra for could be a sleep disorder.

Tufts does have occasional turd doctors but who can bat 1000? I saw another doctor for pain. After a good half hour of realizing she wasn't listening to me, being told about carb portioning, and getting an order for a vitamin D blood test because overweight people tend to have less vitamin D in their system and that could kick off pain/nerve issues - I realized I should not be seen by the doctor again. I also sent the doc some great weight sensitivity training material my HR department has available. BUT! This story has a kinda awesome ending.  The doctor contacted patient relations to get feedback - which I freely gave. So, points for wanting to learn/be better.

My new PCP is great. She listens really well and absorbed  A LOT of information.  Then we worked out a plan of action - to address health maintenance stuff at a physical but first deal with more emergent things now. Like my blood pressure really stinks. I'm no longer pre-hypertensive. I'm adding a baby dose spironolactone to my current hydrochlorothiazide then coming back to check my blood pressure.

All of this is my decision to get my "house in order". Increasing activity, cutting out added refined sugar in my diet, and eventually carbs. What kicked all this off is that I spent a lot of May spending time with my mom.  She told me all the things my dad had been doing in the past year to stay healthy. He exercised every day and managed to eat better so his diabetes wasn't completely out of control. But despite all his work, his 86 year old body was not building muscle mass or even red blood cells. He needed blood infusions several times.  I am 42 years old and am not doing half the stuff my dad did to stay alive so that is ridiculous.  Time to change. Side bonus after my first week without sugar, my mood feels so much better and manageable.

Work is going really well.  I like my co-workers, feel like I'm accomplishing a lot, and getting excellent feedback. No one really is around my age in my department location.  There are a bunch of 50 year olds, then 20's to mid 30's.  Guess which ones I wind up befriending?  Yup, the 20 year olds.  It always happens that way. I guess I like their energy? Or what is that "Dazed and Confused" quote? I get older, but they stay the same age. One particular young'un brightens my day. She lives in JP, is liberal politically, and loves murder stuff. I laugh so much chatting with her and sometimes our morbid humor sounds bizarre to others. Besides the social stuff, I have kicked ass on a couple huge projects and my boss told me that I am taking a lot off his plate - so happy, happy, joy, joy.

Yesterday, I went to Enterprise and bought a 2017 Hyundai Accent. It is the right basic car I need. I love how roomy it is.  The trunk space is fantastic.  It has great pickup on the highway.  Plus, the dashboard doesn't look like a spaceship. Since I could put so much down from my totaled car insurance money, I only needed a loan for under $8K! Yesterday, I really really missed my dad. Buying cars was our thing. I had my cries and know it's okay. So meet Habanero above.

Friday, May 03, 2019

Everything is Awful

I haven't been sleeping, eating meals, and I cry every day. The pain isn't constant but I don't have the energy to fight it off. The first of May was the absolute worst day since my dad died. Being a new month without him felt like a body blow. If I'm not sad, I am hounded with why's. Why did we go ahead with a partial hip replacement surgery on an 86 year old diabetic with congestive heart failure and no muscle mass? Why did we admit him to that horrible rehab that never turned him or helped him eat? They also left his nurse call button out of reach constantly. I know his health was in decline and he would have passed away even without the broken hip. But it still hurts.  My mom has decided to hold the memorial in July. Maybe I'll feel better after that?