On Being Fat

I've been overweight for most of my life. There are a couple years here and there when I was actually skinny When I was 4, 11, 19, and 26. My mom made us organic, healthy meals when I was 4. I had a huge growth spurt when I was 11 and I biked all summer. I wound up losing the freshman 15 thanks to marching band. When I was 26, I went on a crazy low calorie diet and exercise regimen which got me down to my lowest adult weight ever but I had a sinus infection that lasted for 4 months.

Growing up, I was a pretty active kid who loved to stay outside all day. We didn't have cable and my parents limited how much tv we watched. If I wanted dessert, I had to eat a piece of fruit. That set up a weird penalty/reward dynamic between fruit and sweets. No matter how active I was or what I ate, I was chubby. I wasn't teased in elementary school at all. I had ballet, Girl Scouts, chorus, and oboe lessons.

Since I hit puberty early, all my weight stretched out when I was 11. I joke that since I started early, my growing stopped early and if I had continued to grow, I would be drop dead gorgeous now. I was 5'1" in 5th grade and I am 5'5" now. A bunch of friends and I got really into biking everywhere that summer hence my unusual skinniness.

Middle school was when I started putting on a lot of weight and when I started getting teased a lot. The more picked on I was, the more crap I ate. I just went to school and came home because if I was seen out and about, I was harassed. I also started refusing to go with my parents grocery shopping. In my mind that was like painting a huge target on my back. I still call this time my "black hole years".

My family never teased me or commented on my weight. It was nice to have a respite from the self-consciousness at home. One of my grandmothers used to make fun of my weight but she made fun of her whole family's weight. I don't believe that weight is solely genetics because that's just an excuse. But from looking at both sides of my family, I could see that I had an uphill battle and that my natural weight would probably be higher than what was considered normal.

Marching band was the perfect kind of exercise - sneaky and regular. I didn't pay attention to how many miles I marched thanks to rehearsals 5xs a week for hours. I still ate crap but it got burned off thanks to band. Granted, spring semester, without band, I gained some back. College was a very eye opening experience for me eating-wise. I met my first batch of eating disordered people and had someone call me on my binging eating patterns. I was horrified but reverted back to my unhealthy habits but more covertly.

You'd think being morbidly obese and having a stroke at age 24 would wake me up about my weight and health, right? It did for a bit. I stopped eating sugar for years and worked out like a fiend. As I worked out, I would chant to myself, "You stupid fucking piece of shit. Keep going or you'll die from your next stroke." Angry working out helped me mentally to deal with what happened to me. I told myself that the stroke was my punishment for being fat. I lost 90lbs on sheer screwed up self loathing and anger. I couldn't fall asleep without a growling pit in my stomach. Since I got so ill on this diet, I fell off the wagon but I still tracked what I ate. Weight Watchers was a bust for me since I hated the meetings and weigh-ins. I haven't gained back all the weight I lost but I'm getting up there.

This is how I operate now. I track what I eat online and barely get any exercise (joining a gym priority #1 when I go perm). I watch those documentaries about 500lb people while snacking thinking, "At least I'm not that far gone." It's those documentaries and eating disorder docs that fascinate me. It's the discipline on one end and the obliviousness on the other that sucks me in. I don't believe the whole line about metabolisms going to hell after 30. I am going to find an exercise I like and get healthy darn it!