Pride and Paranoia

After my reality check discussion with the HR manager last week, I went through a couple stages of dealing. Maybe grieving isn't the only situation that needs multiple stages? So my first stage was nauseating panic, my second stage was updating my resume and surfing Monster.com. My final stage is basically fatalistic. I've been working here about a year and a half and would like to stay for another year or two (until the work gets too ridiculously boring and limiting). I'd like to stay for several reasons: I'm fascinated with the work I'm doing, I'm still learning a lot, the commute is fantastic, and I love my co-workers. I was in a good space for the weekend but that disappeared yesterday when the Quality Control Manager told me that he was asked about my assistance to him. So, I found out my boss is collecting data in preparation for my review. So now I'm stuck with this looming dread of The Review.

If you have been a reader for a while, you'll know that my performance reviews at my last job were horrendous affairs. I was completely ambushed and had to fight for my job three years in a row. I'd usually end up sobbing in a bathroom stall after my reviews there. This is my first review at my new job and my first working in the private sector. All day yesterday if I saw the HR manager talking to my boss, they were talking about me. I hoped the paranoia would vanish after a good night's sleep. Nope! My boss and the production manager had a meeting this morning where they closed the door. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME! The hilarious part of paranoia is that it takes a really healthy ego.