Friday, May 09, 2014

Bullseye Target Feels

This week has been a struggle.  I think it's a combination of things.  

I went out to Western Massachusetts Sunday and Monday to visit my brother.  There's something about the Pioneer Valley that just makes everything better. I lived there for four years, succeeded at everything I tried, and made lifelong friends. Driving west on the Pike when 84 splits off I can feel a blanket of stress lift off me.  I had an awesome time out there. Monday night I drove back home. To my shitty life of failure.

I am waiting to hear about four jobs I interviewed for.  Two are full-time permanent and two are temp. For a job search sometimes no news is good news and not following up is just a way to avoid rejection. I get excited when I get an interview, imagine my life with the job, do the interview, thank you letters, and....nothing. I know I should focus on the positive of four interviews.

Two weeks ago I had a horrendous meeting with a employee training center representative.  According to her, my resumé is horrible but I'm doing everything right in my job search. She loved to point out how my "hit rate" is so poor considering my application volume. Then she gave me a bunch of encouraging tips on how to handle interviews and rejections. It was a very bipolar appointment. "Oh the document I have been sending out everywhere is complete shit?" but "I am doing everything I'm supposed to do." "My hit rate is a pathetic 5%." but "I need to think of jobs I did not get as I did not fit the company not that there's something wrong with me." Whiplash much?

This morning I had a panic attack thinking about being forced to give up my cats. When you're low, your mind just drifts to dark upsetting places.  Like when I heard MERS is in the US, I thought, "Huh, that wouldn't be too bad." Struggling to breathe is preferable to struggling to find work. Watching Captain America again, I thought to myself "Half my former co-workers were probably Hydra." 

I know I should shut the hell up and get to work at Dunkins. Or I just like wallowing/victimhood since my situation is a ton better than others. I'm not on the street, not struggling for food, and not alone. And yet...


Anonymous said...

Hail Hydra!!!!

AnnaB said...

That comment is the bomb. Thanks! :-)