Saturday, October 21, 2017
The Numb Shuffle
The mornings have gotten easier. The pain in my heart is not as oppressive. We have downsized the feeding area and I’ve washed all the drool stained items. One shirt is completely ruined but I’m keeping it because I could not stop sobbing seeing it. I have packed up Rasputin’s special grooming gear and toys for storage. I had a couple decent days Sunday and Monday. Wednesday morning, I was in bed when I had a panic attack or when my heart decided to try a gallop. I was half asleep thinking “Well, this isn’t a bad way to go” On top of that, I broke out in hives on my arms and legs. So I took a sick day to get some rest and do some cathartic wailing. My theory is that my body rebelled against my push to feel better.
Stella figured out Rasputin isn’t coming back around Sunday and she has been very sad – sleeping away from us. When I find her snoozing, she wakes up with a faraway blank look. I pet her and talk about Rasputin to her. Shanna has been extra affectionate with me, which I don’t mind at all. Those two are not getting along any better. In fact, Stella has been extra hissy. We all grieve in our own ways, right?
I have been very impatient with myself. Sadness is such a sucking void of energy and I hate feeling like I’m wallowing. My therapist has told me it’s important to honor my feelings and let them happen. With my shitty childhood, finding value in how I feel is a struggle. I wasn’t allowed to express strong emotions without punishment. I was “sensitive” or “dramatic”. I just get impatient or angry at myself for being sad over Rasputin’s death then eventually I am able to tell myself that it’s okay to feel what I feel. Basically, not only am I grieving, I am also unpacking a lot of psychological baggage plus self-parenting. Sweet baby Jesus, I am pooped!
A couple things have been helping my spirits. I enjoy playing the Sims game. I’m on the third generation of my main family. The house building is a ton of fun too. I have been researching local Maine Coon breeders and have enjoyed looking at pictures of their kittens. It is way too soon for me but eventually I’d like to get a kitten.
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