Friday, April 19, 2019

My Father Died April 17, 2019

He passed peacefully and painlessly. He had a bad night Tuesday where he could not get warm and his breathing got very rapid.  Mom and I had to call the VNA for what to do. We started him on morphine that night and stopped all other medications.  Tuesday was the last time I spoke to my father.

I worked remotely Wednesday at my parent's apartment. Dad started flailing and mumbling around midday so I called my brother. All three of us were in the apartment Wednesday trying to care for dad. My brother and I also tried to get my mom to sleep. I went home around 6:00PM. I had a chance to pet the kitties, catch up with my roommate and have a real dinner with every food group.

I started to feel nauseous and anxious that the moment I stepped into the shower my father would die. He didn't. I showered and was in bed when I got the call from my mother around 10:05. I had never heard her so scared and upset. After I hung up, I immediately started keening and screaming my "Dad is gone! I don't have a dad anymore!"My roommate gave me a big hug and helped me pack an overnight bag. I took a Lyft to the apartment.  God bless that driver. He quietly let me have a complete meltdown in the back seat and got me to my mom's quickly. My brother gave me a big hug looking like a truck had hit him.

My dad looked like a cadaver and felt like stone. My mom was a broken mess talking to the night aide. Something in my brain clicked over seeing the shambles around me. I went into To Do mode. I called my father's brothers and his best friend. In between various emotional collapses, the VNA nurse came out to pronounce my dad's death, and the funeral home came out to collect his body.  All three of us slept in the king bed. The next day, dad's hospice gear was collected, and we met with the funeral home. My mom's sisters came with food and booze. I went home.

Everything feels very surreal. I'm in a hazy together mode then there are moments that hit me sideways where I'm a snot filled crying mess. I picked out a couple of sweaters my father owned to keep. I couldn't stop hugging them and crying.


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