Trigger Warning

 Content Warning for Mental Health and Suicide

September is mental health aware month. I have lived with my roommate for seven years we are basically family.  From job loss, car accident, pet deaths, parent death, a pandemic and attempted coup, that tends to bind people close. Also we are both middle aged big nerds who love bad puns. We are both born in November too. This all came together thanks to a Craigslist ad in 2015.

Last Tuesday we were hanging out in the living room when her cell phone rang. I heard her sister ask if she is sitting down. Then my roommate gasped ans cried out "No!" I heard her sister wail something about a shotgun.  My roommate completely broke down shaking and sobbing. I stood up and put my hand on her shoulder. She looked at me and told me her nephew shot himself and committed suicide. Her eyes were asking for it to be fixed or not true.  I gave her a big hug,cried, and kept saying "I'm sorry".

Her nephew was 19. He loved games, cooking, bad puns, and Star Wars, the MCU, Tolkien, and Legos. He struggled with depression and had just started his first semester at university.  He was on medication.  His sister and brother found him in the basement.  I never met him but knowing my roommate and hearing about him, he sounds like family.  He was a member of my other family - people who fight against Depression.  The enemy took another one of us.

I have tried to kill myself twice - when I was 14 and when I was 25. I remember how hopeless it felt and once I made a decision it felt like I was in a trance.  My mom found me when I was 14.  The stroke felt like too much and insurmountable when I was 25.  I didn't see any possibility of better.  I called my mom and she talked me down.  

Then I asked my doctor's office for medication, they put me on Celexa  After about a decade, I went off Celexa because I felt better.  That is lying Depression logic. So, of course my life fell apart and my therapist put me on Lamictal.  I didn't feel as bad but quite frankly I did not feel.  Over the next several years, I lost my hair and had menstruation from hell.  Once I got sick of it, I asked my therapist how was this medication supposed to help my depression.  She told me that it should help my mania. I asked "What mania?"  Needless to say, I found a new therapist and titrated off Lamictal.  I went back to Celexa and have been on it ever since.  I know I am very lucky that I found a medication that helps and has bearable side effects. My dosage was bumped up this year because I could feel it pooping out.

I don't know exactly what my roommate's nephew was going through. I do know that you are only as functional as your latest dose, your latest therapy session, and your coping toolkit.  Depression is not a moral failing or weakness.  It's like diabetes where an organ does not work as it should.  So, there are lifestyle changes and medication needed to be functional.  I have used hotlines or my work EAP to support my coping ability. There are resources out there Please stay here.  If you don't feel like your family understands or loves you, think of your other family.  We need you to fight with us.