I don't know what happened between last year and this year. Last year, I had no desire to try out for solos in my chorus even though that was my thing in high school. This year I have the hunger for a solo especially for this Hebrew song, Adonai Roi, we're singing. I know at least one other soprano who is interested too so I've kept my eyes on her. She doesn't know how to read music and this is her first year in the chorus. She's TOAST!
For a while I looked back at my high school self with pity. Why? My drive to win roles and solos seemed to me obvious ploys for approval. Even though the message being beaten into me at home was that I'm a worthless bitch, at least I had some way to prove to myself that I'm talented and worth something. What better way to gain approval than audition for a surrogate father figure? Ironies of ironies the music director wound up teaching at a new high school where he was fired for molesting a teenager. Even my surrogate father figures are mental!
Maybe that view is wrong and too cynical. Every time I was scared out of my wits performing on-stage. Repetition didn't help. Maybe I'm an adrenaline/challenge junkie?
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