Love Tentacle

My moods are pretty stable nowadays. Sure, I get flashes of frustration or sadness but there is always the underlying core of my personality that is laughing at life and telling me to get over myself. When the plunge happens it is usually sudden and connected to nothing.

Last night I was doing my usual pre-sleep routine, completing Sudoku puzzles in bed while I listen to my iPod. All of a sudden the thought hit me that this will be my life forever. That I will be Aunt Anna, never mom or wife. The weird part is that when these ideas occur to me, I usually get upset but I wasn't last night. It was basically my mind trying to convince my heart to let go of the charade. I look at my married friends and I know that isn't in my future. Men don't fall in love with me. It's like what my Romantic enneagram personality says. I feel like I'm missing something that everyone else has. No, not a boyfriend/husband. It's like everyone else has this invisible tentacle coming out of their chest that is able to suction onto other people's tentacles. My tentacle is a tiny stub.

At least I've built a comfortable life and I can support myself. I won't get into a relationship due to money or fear of being alone. I was talking to one of my aunts a couple weeks ago and we talked about how it's very important to get into a relationship that adds something to our lives (she's a fellow Sagittarius, so we speak the same language). If it happens, great. But I'm 30 years old and haven't seen anything that gives me the inkling of a glimmer of hope that I will get married and have kids in my lifetime. When I become an aunt, boy I will spoil those kids rotten!