I Hate Know It All Doctors

Today, I had an appointment with a eye specialist regarding my possible decompensating exophoria. The two prep eye people were very cool. In fact, the second one told me that my eyes are really good which alleviated a lot of anxiety. Two things were feeding into my anxiety. 1. Over the past several years, I have gotten used to bad news from specialists due to experience. Heart implant? Sure. After effects possibly having another stroke and possibly contracting meningitis which lead to several painful unsuccessful lumbar punctures. 2. The last time I had been in the hospital, my grandmother was dying.

When I finally got to meet The Specialist, she took my patient history. I explained about my stroke and why I take aspirin daily. I have gotten used to listing what happened when I had my stroke matter-of-factly. I was paralyzed, blind in one eye and barely able to speak. I don't know what happened but it became apparent to me that The Specialist had decided I was stupid. She tried to convince me that I was blind in my right eye - even though she didn't have my medical files in front of her. I insisted that I was blind in my left eye. I could tell that I was getting really upset so I ended flatly by telling her my neurologist's name. I was so pissed and upset, I let her dilate my eyes because fuck her.

The second I could, I went to the restroom to have a good cry. I kept repeating to myself, "I know what happened to me." over and over. But that also made me even more upset because I can go months without thinking about my stroke. I was upset too because the last time I dealt with a doctor who didn't listen to me, I had a stroke. After the cry, I waited out my eye dilation by focusing on getting everything over with ASAP. I don't need eye surgery, just some exercises from another specialist. Luckily, I don't have to see The Specialist who thinks she knows about my stroke ever again.

I came home and immediately went through my files to find my neurological assessment. Yup, "left visual field cut". Hopefully, once this has been posted, the upset will be purged. Moral of the story: don't let a doctor make you doubt yourself.