A couple weeks ago, I decided to be alcohol-free for the holidays. My main reasons were health and economics. Because quite seriously folks, most of the major holidays over the past several years can be remembered through a haze of wine when I said X amount of inappropriate things. I figured this year I'm 33 and should be able to deal with my family in a healthy sober manner.
I was very, very wrong. One aunt was very interested in why I wasn't drinking at Thanksgiving and I tried to answer her nonchalantly. She gave me her tips on not overdoing it (this is the aunt who can be counted on embarrassing all her children at the holidays). Then, I made a lame stirrup pants joke to a cousin who was so offended she sulked the entire meal - she's 29 people. Somehow, after the meal, I shocked another cousin with the "news" that I had converted to Judaism which became some huge uncomfortable discussion in which I thought my grandfather called another family member a "JAP". Meanwhile, my raging anti-Semitic uncle was looking at me with disgust. You can see how my Thanksgiving was not the mature communal holiday that I had imagined. In my family, drinking brings about two possible outcomes: wildly inappropriate/hilarious talk or license to be an asshole.
Come the Xmas Eve family celebration, I will be drinking!
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