Sunday, June 16, 2013

Half Your Genetic Material Day

Today I did not change my Facebook picture to one of my father.  I did not spend any time with him.  In fact, I tried to treat today like any other Sunday.  Every year this damn holiday shoves in my face that I did not have a supportive loving father.  Instead, I had a violent mentally ill man who held our household in a grip of misery who called himself my father.

Oh, don't worry, I've done therapy.  I'm gone through the grieving, blame, and anger.   But this holiday picks at my emotional scabs.  Every Father's Day card is like a needle in my heart.  "Thank you for protecting me" - nope.  "For the best Father who made me feel loved and special" - negatory.  I tried the whole no one has a happy family route for a couple years to cope.  But there are happy families out there.  Mine wasn't one.  In my extended family there are a bunch of great dads so I kinda derive some comfort from that.  I lost my Grandpa in March.  He was my alternate dad so I'm really missing him.

After my stroke, I had a lot of problems talking.  I couldn't coordinate my tongue and mouth, my voice sounded flat, and there was a delay between what I thought and said.  One summer afternoon, my grandfather saw that I was crying at a family party.  He stopped me and told me, "Anna, you speak fine."  He just knew.

After my stroke, my father told me that he hoped that I would never recover.  Yeah not celebrating that asshole.

So, if today is not a holiday for you, or you find the need for a vat of wine,  I wanted to let you know that you're not alone.  It sucks but survivable.  I hope this can give you a chuckle.

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