Saturday, August 27, 2016

Building the New

This past week has been really difficult. I have gotten no sleep this week and cried every single day. Super Boss told me Monday morning he had given his notice Friday evening.  The work situation is so bad and demoralizing, he resigned with no job lined up.  He was forced to head up a project he didn't believe in and is a huge mistake for over a month. It was killing his spirit.  When he told me I kept a very calm demeanor because it wasn't really a surprise. He has been warning me for months that he had a resignation letter in his desk and he was going to use it when he reached his limit. He had tears in his eyes when he told me and sounded so broken and apologetic, I did not want to react in front of him.  After he left, I closed my office door and cried of course.

I had a good meeting with New Boss Monday afternoon to discuss analyst group plans and work.  I cried a little bit talking about what Super Boss means to me and then I groaned, "Damn it, I really didn't want to cry..." New Boss told me he basically emptied two tissue boxes crying when he heard.  So, that was an awesome response!  Validating my feelings and sharing his own.  

Tuesday was the continuation of me not being upset in front of Super Boss. Wednesday was when that awesome repression/martyr plan crashed and burned. I kept it pretty together for most of the morning. Super Boss was helping me trouble shoot a system problem and was standing behind me while I typed. He announced, "Why don't I move over here so I'm not hovering." I shrugged, "I'm used to it." Then he wryly grinned and replied, "Something you'll probably miss."  I shut down gravity of Jupiter hard on my feelings in that moment but once he left, I was wrecked - like snot dripping from my nose sobbing.  Now that dam was wedged open, I was a wobbly mess the rest of the day. I cried in front of Baby Analyst, Worker Bee Analyst, and a co-worker.  That co-worker is very warm and motherly so she rubbed my back and let me talk.  She also pointed out that the fact that Super Boss is leaving shows how bad things are in our department. 

My mom and I had a good talk Wednesday night where she told me that I had be kinder and more patient with myself and allow myself to go through the rhythms of saying goodbye.  That no one is good at it. I also made a decision that I will try to stick it out at work but I will be looking for jobs elsewhere.

Thursday was a better day where I felt more capable and human. Friday started capable and human but Super Boss got weepy at an analyst team meeting in the morning. After the meeting, an older gruff co-worker from another department who is equal parts scary and hilarious swung into our office area. She talked to Super Boss in his office and then stepped into mine.  She asked me how I was doing and I told her that it's hard.  She told me that if I need anyone to talk to, her door is open.  I was so touched, I nodded, and put my hand over my heart.  Then she offered to give me a hug!  This gruff bear of a woman who I didn't even think knew my name reached out to help me. I got a tad weepy and I jokingly yelled at her, "See what you did?" After she left, Super Boss appeared in my doorway with a work question, took one look at me and asked, "What's wrong?" So Friday finally I cried in front of him and we had a good talk. I told him about a couple meaningful memories I have of him. He said really nice and encouraging things. 

So, this is the boss I am losing after next week.  A boss who can take one look at my face and knows something is up.  Not only does he know, he comes into my office, sits, and talks to me.  Super Boss sends me about a dozen "good job" emails a month and swings into my office in the morning to ask how are things. My first reaction when I see him is to smile.  That smile is going away.

As part of coping with Super Boss’ resignation, I am planning his farewell party. I bought all the supplies this morning and I wound up crying in my car in the AC Moore parking lot. To help me deal, I an trying to remember how lost I felt when seniors graduated and how life went on. I am also alternately avoiding or obsessively listening to Wicked's "For Good". Basically, I have been a weepy mess.  My poor roommate has been along on this emotional rollercoaster.

I gave this poem to Super Boss
I once had a boss
Who insulted my family to co-workers
I once had a boss
Who yelled at me for asking questions
This past year I had a boss
Who told me I am smart
This past year I had a boss
Who built me up when I was overwhelmed

This past year I had a boss
Who finished my sentences
Who made me laugh
Who listened

The boss I once had this year
Begins a new category
He is Super Boss
Thank you [his name]

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