Thursday, June 07, 2018

All the Pain and No Baby


I had my uterine biopsy and IUD insertion this week. In the ranking of pain in my life:

1. Stroke
2. Herniated L4-5 disc
3. Uterine biopsy
4. Spinal tap

It was NOT FUN! My gyno is a warm positive empathetic lady who I swore at in between crying and hollering. She kept apologizing and saying how great I was doing. I also tapped into Chandler Bing levels of sarcasm.

I took misoprostol the night before to dilate my cervix. Apparently, it wasn’t dilated enough so my cervix had to be propped open by a speculum. That was so painful, I started trying to shimmy away from the doctor.  In these kinds of procedures, your body is in constant fight or flight mode. It’s just your frontal lobe keeping you on the exam table. I also started talking about my Grandma who had 10 kids. I called on her when it got bad.

They gave me a break before going forward so I just laid there crying and apologizing for being a wuss. I got nothing but warmth and encouragement from the doctor and nurse. Also, they had a heating pad on my belly which helped with the cramping. When they moved forward, the biopsy just felt like a pinch and the IUD placement was a stab and big cramp. I believe the entire procedure lasted less that 30 minutes!

Afterwards, my brother was there to give me a hug and got me home. I slept for most of the afternoon. I’m still achy and crampy. I checked out some medical forums and there were ladies who fainted after their biopsy! Some had to be on Valium or be under general anesthesia. So. I am a BAD ASS! Also, much respect for moms out there - hours of that pain? Superheroes.

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