Detritus

On March 4, in the middle of the snow storm, my dad was taken to the E.R. He had fallen a couple times earlier and had been nursing pain for weeks but that morning he could not even stand. It turns out he had fractured his right hip. His INR levels were off as well. Over the next couple of days, he had blood transfusions. I donated blood and visited him Wednesday. He looked pretty normal and was chowing down on the hospital dinner. So I felt a little less worried. I hadn't really been sleeping since he was hospitalized. On March 7 he had partial hip replacement surgery that went fine.

I also saw "Captain Marvel" that evening. It is really good! I'm biased since I haven't hated a single Marvel movie. And I really like the Captain Marvel character as well. The movie resonated for me since the character is told over and over by her Kree mentor that her feelings are a liability and limit her.  Gee, not something I grew up hearing my entire childhood right before a punch, right? I was too much, dramatic, and a motherfucking bitch ever since I learned to talk. In the movie, Carol finds her full power when she completely embraces who she is. Pretty cool metaphor.

My parents lease for their new senior living apartment started March 1 and my mother has been slowly moving little things over. My dad was being kept in the hospital because his blood sugar levels and fluid retention were bad.  My mom asked my brother and I to come over to help out on Sunday March 10. That day was difficult and has me rethinking my connection with my family. Also, just one bad stressful day should not have that huge an impact. Maybe over time and with some distance, I'll feel better?

I had a fight with my brother. We haven't had a fight for decades. I wasn't completely in the right. I was treating him as a flaky fuck up little brother, I know.  If I'm waiting for someone, I need to know when they will be arriving.  After being told he is running late, 45 minutes pass with no communication, I get worried. In my brother's eyes, I need too much information. He needs to provide too much information to placate me as a compromise. He also asked me to communicate less as my compromise. So, this felt like my one ally in our small fucked up crazy family also thinks I'm too much. I'm forty-two years old. I know who I am and my value. I will not apologize for my needs or feelings.

The three of us visited my dad in the hospital. He looked horrible. He has friable skin. Every time they tried to get an IV in, they ripped a hole. He also started developing sores on his spine so he had to lie on his side. He asked my brother dozens of questions about his life, work, and apartment. I sat at his bedside feeling resentful - not a proud moment. When my dad asked me about myself, I slapped on a smile and talked about Phil and Fi Fi. Then, my dad decided to try to turn onto his back. All of us kept saying over and over "Stop." "Please call the nurse." "You shouldn't do that." But he kept moving. Fed up, I sternly pled with him by saying he needs to listen to me and mom as people who have been hospitalized. That he could re-injure himself or pull out leads or IVs. He put his hands up and pushed the on call button. Yeah, I'm the dramatic one.

To feel better about this horrendous visit, I wound up lifting way too much moving items to my parents' apartment. I felt good at the moment by getting things tangibly done and taking a load off my mom's plate. My lower back has been a wreck ever since.

Here's the thing, I know stress is incredibly high when a loved one is hospitalized. No one is on their best behavior. We all have our different coping techniques. I can't drink on my seizure medication. Sleep has not really been happening. I'm just a walking raw nerve over a parent who brutalized me for decades and yet I still love being injured. Life would be so much easier if I didn't care so much damnit. This round of badness has made me feel rejected by my family of origin. Something I haven't felt for a while. Did I not feel it because I ignored it? On the up side, my feeling needing worrying caring programming is pretty common in my extended family. One of my aunts helped me out a lot by talking with me and giving me a ton of love. I'm also going to take a little break from my small family. I'll be around for help or emergencies but I need space.