I used to be a member of your tribe. The self-destructive behavior, the unhealthy relationships with men, and friends who kept me around so they could talk about me behind my back. That was basically my entire life until around age 24.
Drinking and self-sabotage were my main self-destructive behaviors. I really liked being drunk because I couldn't hear that nagging voice that told me that I was a worthless piece of shit. The self-sabotage was tricky and combine it with drinking, I was screwed. Because I didn't think I deserved to be happy/have anything nice, I would make sure to screw up anything that could threaten that perception. Pick fights, cancel dates/appointments, and spend way too much money.
The unhealthy relationships with guys helped confirm that I was unlovable and there was something wrong with me. My Daddy's lessons. I had one guy who convinced me to alienate myself from all my male friends. He knew my history of abuse and low self-esteem so he fed me lines telling me that X friend was obviously taking advantage of me and Y guy was unhealthy for me. Since I trusted him and knew I had blind spots, I followed his advice and had an absolutely miserable year.
The bad friendships all stem from one incident in middle school. Towards the end of 6th grade, I received an anonymous note telling me that I needed to lose weight, wear cooler clothes and ditch certain friends who were "losers". I agreed with a bunch of the notes' points and went about improving myself even though I knew that my two best friends wrote the "anonymous" note. Moral of the story? My hot new $50 jeans were stolen from my gym locker. My only requirement for a friend is someone who was willing to spend time with me. Sometimes I lucked out with decent friends but the circle of people who I called friend weren't there for all the same reason. Some friends liked me drunk, some respected my opinion, and others loved hearing about the latest disaster in my life.
Building up self esteem takes lots of time and can be very painful. Each person has their own limit. Some can be pushed into oblivion and others have a preset mental line that cannot be crossed without pushing back. I would probably still be boozing and hanging out with people who make me miserable if it wasn't for my stroke. Ladies, I just want to let you know that almost dying is not the preferable wake up call! As I see or hear about your lives, yes I do shake my head but I am rooting for you. I know it isn't helpful to you that an outsider can see that you stick with a guy who treats you like crap because you have Daddy issues. Becoming a strong confident woman is worth the loneliness and fear. The strong confident woman tribe is welcoming and would like you as a member!
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