Keeping up with the downward slide of yesterday, I had an especially awful Tae Kwon Do class. We ran through our green belt testing form, Ee Jan, as a class. I knew I was pretty shaky on the form but tried to flub my way through in the back row. Unfortunately, the Sabunim has eagle eyes. So, I had to run through the entire form with him teaching me step by step in front of the entire class. Then, I ran through the form myself twice still in front of the entire class. I felt okay for most of it but towards the end, I felt really humiliated and upset so I messed up a lot more.
After class, I spent some time sobbing in the bathroom. The weird thing is that I didn't mind being in front of people but I minded messing up in front of people. Also, I had a loop of thoughts going round my head like, "I just wasted my classmates' time since I didn't know my stuff." or "I'm the Tae Kwon Do charity case that shows people no matter how out of shape or uncoordinated you are, you can get your orange belt."
This morning is a totally other attitude. One of my co-workers/classmates told me that I did a good job that I held my own. She even told me that she was dreading that she'd be called up after me. So, now I feel a bit better and kind of proud that I got through it. At least I have fear to motivate me to be on my game!