The F'ed Up Family Club

Since I have chronicled how screwed up my family was on this blog, I figure now is the time to discuss the twisted kind of camaraderie that exists between people who survived messed up families.

You can spot us by looking for people chuckling mirthlessly in the Hallmark aisle for Mother's or Father's Day. For me, I love the sappy cards that say, "To a father who was always there for me..." or "Mother, you and I always understood each other..." Of course, I auto-complete the card covers with ".. always there to beat the shit out of me or point out my flaws" and " as mutual abuse survivors could only understand each other" We are also the people who stock up on crates of booze around holidays. Nothing smooths over tense relations better than alcohol. Father decrying the violence of war? Alcohol will paste a bland smile on your face and drown out the irony sirens.

If I find out someone had a a screwed up family during childhood, I automatically feel compassion for and like the person. Sure, they can be total douches but I reserve my sympathy and support for the people who survived unscathed. I still feel so deficient and scarred from my childhood that by seeing someone who was able to pull their shit together, I totally get inspired. I think to myself that, "I don't have to let this define me. I can be a great human being despite my childhood."

I do admit, there is a kind of sick competition in our club. My trump story was that my father would go into apoplectic rage if I didn't return a ruler I borrowed. Then, I heard about a girl who was beaten if she threw up. I simply can't complain in front of that girl period. She wins. The coolest part of the f'ed up family club is that you have this awesome survivors bond with your sibling(s). A couple holidays ago, my brother and I reminisced about the times we pulled a knife on our father. Good times...

If you are part of the f'ed up family club, I get it. I didn't invite friends to my house because it was too risky. Who knew what mood my father was in? I had crummy self esteem. For most of my life, I thought I was worthless and everything I accomplished was moot.

I am also part of the redeemed family club. We are on track for healing thanks to lots of therapy and medication. As an abuse survivor, I know we tend to see the world in black and white. But the world isn't like that. It is okay to admit that you love your abusive parent or alcoholic parent or negligent parent. Sure, they did awful things to us but that only means that they didn't deserve our love, not that it didn't exist. I love my father for who he is now, despite our violent past and I love my mother because her and I basically share a brain. Seriously, get us behind a slow driver and we wind up muttering, "Asshole" at the same time regardless of who is driving! My brother is just awesome all around and even though he's younger than I, I still appreciate his advice and insight - it's very soothing.

This is for two months prep for Mother's Day and three months prep for Father's Day. Blank cards are always best!