TGIF

Since it's Friday and my job is boring, I have had lot of time on the internet. Remember how I took the Enneagram personality test over a year ago? So much has happened in the past year, I decided to take it again. I got one same result and two new ones

Type 8: The Leader - this is my highest score out of the whole test. It basically encapsulates my life. It's kind of cool how my other two personality types kick in when I am in the unhappy place of being dependent/submitting to others. My fear of being rejected throttles my controlling response so I just withdraw. If I have to allow someone else to drive, why get anal about which maps to use, the windows (open vs crack vs closed), or music to listen to? Just quietly submit and go along. That is the driving metaphor but on the health and medical front I am 100% type 8 leader. Okay, as I was composing this, I had a personal epiphany. Read to the end to see it. I had a bunch of medical crap that put me in a powerless position in my 20's. When you're stuck in that kind of situation you are aching for just something to do, you mentally run-down a list of things you can do and a lot of the time you can only do one thing: listen to the doctors and nurses. They will get you out of pain and into full functionality. That is my shut-down and go with the flow fatalistic response time. It might look like despair or giving up to the outsider but it is really just a shut up, conserve your energy, and get the hell through this strategy. But man, when there is a ray of hope that I could be in charge or control something I am all over it. Like crazy all over it. After my stroke, I switched primary care doctors and researched malpractice suits. I also read as many books/articles on neurology as a way to analyze and control what happened to me.


Type 5: The Thinker - this is probably why I enjoy analyst work and am looking for an analyst job. I even love troubleshooting computer programs thanks to this analytical side of me. I do go through hermit phases but I never had considered that they are tied to feeling overwhelmed by the world. My go to detachment mechanisms are heavy tv watching or Sims playing.

Type 3: The Motivator - my same result from last year tied with type 5. This is probably why I was so happy in graduate school and also this trait has saved my sanity over two lay-offs.

Epiphany - so I am strongly a leader type, right? That is all about being self-reliant and independent. Then why the hell am I pursuing a lifestyle that is guaranteed to lead me to diabetes and heart disease? I ate a half gallon of ice cream and a bag of M&M's yesterday. That was my lunch and dinner. The taste of chocolate cannot compare with the shame and fear I felt as two EMT's struggled to carry me down to the ambulance when I was having my stroke. That fear and shame did help me lose a lot of weight in my post-stroke years. But those emotions can't fuel sustained healthy living and weight loss, they just lead to feeling resentment and despair. I just need to find new emotions to spur me into getting healthy. Maybe I can tap into my need to be independent and to be admired personality traits? If I can keep myself in the postive Thinker cycle, I can read up a lot and use Excel to chart progress. I also have to avoid negative motivator cycles too which lead to the whole society is pressuring me to be skinny pissiness.