The Narrow Life

So what is it like not having a full-time permanent job for six months? You have to be pretty focused and imaginative not to go completely off your rocker. Every day, I apply to jobs online and receive email rejections or phone calls for interviews (1 in 20). After the interview, there's a black hole of silence for months where you basically have to accept that you didn't get the job and the fabulous life you had imagined for yourself is dead. I will hug and kiss the next Human Resources professional who actually bothers to contact applicants with rejections! How can you work in HR if you're afraid of conflict/upsetting people?

Besides the job applications, I create chores or tasks that I need to do. This past week, it has been cleaning. A big stove scouring is on my list as well. Without something to do, I just stay in bed until 1:00 PM trying to avoid thinking about my life. The simple act of falling asleep is getting harder and harder while endless worrying about bills, getting evicted, or getting sick keep me up.

The funny thing is temping makes the whole process feel even worse. It's like you get a taste of a real job but you are on a separate, lower tier. No one bothers to get to know you since you're "just a temp". And you drag your germy butt to work because screw everyone else, you need to make rent (yeah that really helps with the whole making friends at work thing). The money and routine are nice but it can lull you into a false sense of security.

On the social front, you are a complete drag. No one wants to hear about the job you almost got and beyond that, life is so narrowed down to the job/money paradigm, you aren't much of a conversationalist. That is if you can actually get out of your place and socialize. Again, it all boils down to money. Can you afford to get a drink? Can your afford gas or a present? Forget about trying to make any plans because you are stuck with the caveat, "... when I get a job" I avoid picking up my mail for days because I really don't need to see any more bills.

As week after week passes, I start to doubt my entire life path and fight with feelings of desperation that are screaming at me "Just get a high paying admin job!" I also look around my place for possible items to auction on eBay. I don't like telling people about my situation because their "helpful" suggestions are basically insulting and dumb. I also don't like feeling like a victim or the last girl with no prom date so flailing my arms and whining, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong" isn't my style.