The funny thing is when you make a huge change in your life and you need everything else to stay the same, everything else never gets the memo. This is week five without Lamotrigine and people tell me that I am doing really well. On some days I believe them and on other days, I feel like I am crumbling inside. I didn't get my dream apartment and got wait listed for the BRA apartment I applied to. This weekend a realtor stood me up for the second time for an apartment viewing and then he basically told me on the phone it is a shit hole. I am meeting a potential room-mate tomorrow and I still have Taunton in my back pocket.
The reprieve from being homeless or losing my cats didn't turn off all the stress and anxiety I had been feeling like a light switch. For a while I was barely getting four hours of sleep. When I wasn't sleeping, I was trolling Craigslist for places to live or looking at my two cats thinking, "If I gave them away, life would be so much easier." which made me feel so horrible and guilty for even allowing the thought to happen so I'd cry and hug them.
I can usually handle stress but my body kinda broke from all of it. This past week I went from "Must have eaten something bad." to "I wonder where the appendix is? to "I can't eat that, I need to leave the house." I had two vacation days scheduled Thursday and Friday in the Berkshires but I had to come home early Friday to see my doctor. She had my blood tested in case of infection. Her theory is that I need sleep and I need to decrease my stress levels. To that end, she wrote a letter saying that I should be allowed to keep my cats since they are therapeutic. I'm also taking 3mg of Melatonin this weekend at least. I am feeling a bit better today and I am looking forward to work tomorrow!
Unfortunately, I left work before my vacation on a sour note. I worked on a new report for over an hour and when I paused to give it a sanity check review, things didn't look right. At 5:30 Wednesday I found out I did the report completely wrong. Luckily, it didn't have a deadline and was something that would be helpful for me to do. Since "helpful" is my Pavlovian bell I went all out and I enjoyed working on it like any true data nerd. I wound up getting upset that I wasted my time and produced crap in front of Super Boss. He thought I was upset with him so I tried to explain that it was my own fault and I should have asked more questions before attempting the report. I kind of can't wait until we get more analysts in our group because it's a bit exhausting and weirdly co-dependent with just the two of us. Baby Analyst hasn't been sucked into this mood miasma which makes her an awesome breath of fresh air to talk to. Work tomorrow should be interesting since Super Boss had to tackle a couple weird situations that usually wind up on my plate. I expect to hear "I don't know how you do it." and/or "Thank goodness you're back."
I also want to write about my two cats. This is Rasputin. He is an eight year old purebred Mainecoon. I got him from a breeder as a gift for myself after getting my MBA. He is very talkative and a big snuggler. As you can see from the picture he tries to sleep on my shoulder at night but I am a restless sleeper so I usually find him curled up against my back when I wake up. He has been pretty healthy with one UTI a couple years ago and a heart murmur - which is common in Mainecoons. He is also a great traveller. He's my baby boy and a complete clown furball.
This is Stella. She is an eleven year old tortoiseshell. I adopted her in 2011 from the Quincy Animal Shelter. The first several months were very difficult with her. She hissed, growled, didn't like being petted, and didn't get along with Rasputin. In my head I had imagined two cats licking each other or curled up purring sleeping on each other. That didn't happen. Getting her to the vet cost me a liter of blood every time. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012. After surgery, she was a lot friendlier. She is always first to the door to greet people. She loves being petted now and sleeps next to me curled up purring. I think she was probably in pain when I got her and now she is healthy and has stability. She is also Head Butt Queen. I love this little lady!