Friday, September 25, 2015

Technicolor Rollercoaster


October 10 I am moving to Jamaica Plain! I visited potential roommate's apartment last Sunday and it  is simply sweet and gorgeous. It also has central air and heat, a dishwasher, disposal, and in unit laundry. After I scoped the place out, I turned to potential roomie and asked her what did she think and do I get the rose? She said, "Oh yeah, it's basically you." I played coy because I was worried about rushing into a decision just to get out of my shit hole. We sat in the living room, discussed the nitty gritty of sharing, how we shower, food, and then life in general. We wound up talking for 3 hours! Roomie said it was a sign. So I went home, thought for a second, and decided yes. There is another cat so it will be three cats and two humans. At least our remains won't be found come a disaster. Future roomie has a ton of stuff so I'm whittling down what I have. Sayonara mismatched Tupperware and fondue set I used once! I can have a little storage down in the basement so I'm going to stick to a stack of 3 to 4 boxes to store. I booked my good old moving company - Intelligent, Labor, and Moving. They seriously rock. I was told I need to get a moving permit from city hall. I'm not 100% sure what that is but it costs $60. Luckily, I can walk to city hall during a break from work.

This song has been stuck in my head all week:


Wednesday was Yom Kippur and for some reason, it felt really powerful this year. I don't think that was the low blood sugar talking, maybe it is the combination of such political strife and the call to strive to be better. I didn't go to temple but I watched an awesome service from a temple in Cincinnati . I was very moved in parts. One of recitations is something like "Let us strive towards perfection but acknowledge that we'll fall short. The real joy is in trying". I simply love that!

No surprise that work was nuts. I am part of a mentoring program as a mentee. My mentor is so super awesome and supportive. He has a great reputation - in fact I knew of him before I met him. He was the guy who always submitted correct stuff to HR. This might sound dumb but it almost feels like having a big brother at work - I get stupid excited passing him in hallways and have to actively resist the urge to hug him. He really pulled out all stops this week.

Remember how I have mentioned there is a senior position that will be opening up in my department?  That the department director told me that I should apply. Well, I latched onto that dream and excitedly awaited the job posting. Thursday, I was telling Super Boss that recitation about striving for perfection and I ended saying "...and that's why I want to be a senior analyst." He looked at me confused and informed me that I had missed the application deadline. I was stunned standing in his doorway and asked when did it get posted. JULY to AUGUST! Arrrghh! To add insult to injury, he observed, "Yeah, Staffing Lady and I were just saying yesterday that we did not understand why you didn't apply." I responded faintly,"Because I didn't know about it." He face got the red it gets when he's upset and his eyes started to get glisteny so me being me, the oldest, the big sister, pointed at him and ordered him not to feel bad. It wasn't his job to make sure I read every email or walk by the job board. It was all my own damn fault. He started saying, "Maybe I can get Staffing Lady to reopen it --  " I interrupted him not to go above for something that is my own fault. He wailed in frustration, "But I want you to have a chance!" I asked about how to apply and made a beeline to the Ladies room where I full on sobbed in a stall, hand clamped over my mouth making animal noises. I didn't realize all these months of killing myself at work felt worth it if a senior position was out there. I cleaned myself up, went back to my desk to find the job posting email and told Super Boss that I will be tweaking my resume just in case. He responded in such a tired and ashamed voice, "I'm sorry about this."

I was okay until I got home. At home I was a puddle of tears and snot. I was convinced that no Normal would ever miss a job posting, it is only super special Swiss cheese brain me that would. An angel in the guise of my cousin talked me out of that crazy. Apparently, it happens all the time to Normals. I calmed down enough to completely nail my resume and cover letter. I shot an email to my mentor letting him know what's going on and asking him to look at my resume and cover letter. Then came the trying to sleep. I started getting really angry at Super Boss for not saying anything about the job to me. It was his old job fer chrissakes! Why is he so attentive and supportive in other aspects? Cue more negative spiraling thoughts and a midnight call with my brother. Bro pointed out stuff I already knew that Super Boss and I are swamped. That I am viewed as competent and intelligent so why would Super Boss need to say anything? We discussed strategies on how to deal with stuff Friday morning. The rest of the night was me rehearsing what to say, crying because I couldn't calm down enough to fall asleep and doing the dishes. Studies say that if you can't fall asleep, wear yourself out. So I got no sleep Thursday to Friday.

I decided to take the early train to get into the office at 7. I also decided to finish a huge reconciliation process today. My mentor sent me a nice long encouraging email with excellent edit suggestions to my documents.  That made me cry in gratitude or just because my eyes continued to leak. 

Super Boss got in around 9 and asked to talk. I started very good - calmly and flatly asking how do employees find job openings and apply to them. He explained and got briefly defensive about how obvious it is which kicked me into depresso-defensive saying,"Oh obviously, it's all my fault." I could feel my insides shaking so I took a deep breath and explained that I am trying even though I'm very upset, and got no sleep from crying all night. He apologized and I told him that I'm mainly upset at myself. I could feel the tears starting in my eyes so I shakily said that this has been my favorite job but when I walked into the building this morning I started crying. That I don't want to become like Other Analyst - bitter and angry, losing my spirit. Super Boss was in tears and told me doesn't want that either. Then my temper ticked up and I said pretty accusingly, "Well, why didn't you say something about the senior analyst position?"  He threw up his hands and claimed he assumed I knew. Then I said something that I had just figured out, "When you didn't talk to me about the job, it felt like you didn't think it was a possibility for me. Like why bother?" I also decided to take a step back explaining that my easy default go to when I'm upset is that I'm a stupid worthless piece of shit. You know what he said? "That's a bad place to go but I understand the struggle to get out of it." I tried recapping where we were in the discussion and he explained how the postings work which got me frustrated all over again asking How was I supposed to know this? Why didn't you tell me? Now is when Super Boss got explosively frustrated he snapped/yelled, "I had to remain impartial because I am interviewing candidates! Just as I need to be impartial for X,Y,Z. And you might not even get the senior analyst position!" Yeah, the words read harsh but I had my ah ha moment. He couldn't talk to me about the job because he would be interviewing me! It wasn't lack of faith or support, it's a role he needed to fill. Then I yelled back at him "Why didn't you tell me?" So we got to a really good place. He also pointed out that he won't be lasting much longer at our company and when he leaves, that could open up more positions in our group. Yup. He said the thing I have been dreading for months. Can I just hope for a market crash so no one will hire him? I got word later today that Staffing Lady will allow me to submit my application.

Watch out for that first drop kids, it's a doozy!

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