My plan tomorrow morning is to empty and pack one litter box then move the other to the bathroom. Maybe grab some Dunks, pack easy stuff in my car. Then corral the cats into the bathroom when the movers arrive. A nice portion of my stuff is going to the curb. Man, I have an insane amount of clothes! 3 totes and a trunk stuffed full. As each room gets cleared, I'll sweep up. Once we're done, the cats will be put in their carriers. After Stella takes a chunk of flesh from me, I'll try to get to JP ASAP. Roomie and I will stash the cats in the laundry room. Then all my stuff will merge with someone who has lived in the apartment for 8 years. I think I'll be moved in by 3:00pm. Wish me luck and easy street parking!
This past week was good but I was barely getting any sleep at night so my thinking felt very foggy. I'd have a realization and Super Boss would say, "Yeah, I just said that." I had my annual performance review Monday. I got overall the highest possible score, 4. Of course there were some 2's and 3's peppered here and there. I actually asked for one 3 to be lowered.
One part of the feedback got a strong reaction from me and it was only in therapy the next day I figured out why. I was told that I need to work on my tone when I'm stressed or disconcerted because there are more professional ways to express myself. I was not really clear on what that meant so Super Boss brought up a couple examples which I remember feeling really strongly and not liking how I handled things. I really wasn't aware it was so bad. So I felt a bit annoyed that I was being dinged for having human reactions but I asked Super Boss to please let me know when it happens again to make sure I understand what he's referring to. I felt really upset about this after work. I know I still aced my review so why let a comment bother me? Because I had so much trouble talking and recovering my tone, I feel like every lilt in my voice is an achievement - something I cherish. But yeah even stroke survivors should not sound like assholes. My lilts will be used for good. My interim plan is if I am feeling strong emotion, to not talk as much or build in pauses.
I got to use that method yesterday. Super Boss and I spent the majority of the day on the billing system that I have cleaned up, designed, and managed. The process had to go through major timeline revisions which totally confused us at department meetings. It was so funny when the new deadline was mentioned in a meeting as a statement of fact, Super Boss and I made the same WTF face at each other across the table. Thursday I set up an official meeting between us to decipher the new deadlines and what needs to change. I had printed a calendar with known deadlines and he brought a bunch of blank paper where we sketched out workflows and billing cycles for three hours. We accomplished something but really just the tip of the iceberg. My mind was whirring through lunch so I created a four month timeline projection but the dates and calculations weren't lining up the way I knew they should. So I knocked on Super Boss' office door and apologized saying that I needed his help. We spent another hour and a half perfecting the projection. It was a great collaborative learning experience but I did say sorry for waltzing in with a question that sucked up so much of his time.
Around 4, I had to tackle a billing issue with potential legal implications and needed a second set of eyes on the correspondence I had developed. I called Super Boss and asked him to come over. He seemed very flustered or rushed when he arrived so I felt a strong emotion. Uh oh - time to be quiet. It seemed to me he really didn't want to be sitting next to me critiquing a letter from his tone and body language. I started to feel guilty that I had sucke up so much of his time that day. I remained quiet and didn't speak above a murmur. We got sidetracked many times but the letter was completed. After he went back to his office, I shot him an email saying I 'm sorry, that the billing process takes a lot of time. He replied saying it's no big deal and had to be done. So I responded saying that I'll leave him alone tomorrow.
Cue him showing up in my doorway asking if it would be okay if he gives me professional advice. Of course. Then he gave me a huge impassioned lecture saying,"don't ever apologize for asking for help. If I don't have the time, I WOULD TELL YOU! Then you say you'll leave me alone. Don't ever say that. We're a team. We're here for each other." I started to apologize and caught myself so we had a good laugh. I explained that "misread the room" because I thought he was pissed. Yeah, I felt pretty strong emotion then - gratitude. Plain and simple.
Thursday night I said goodbye to the sweet train conductor who told me months ago that I don't need to show her my pass, just my smile. She said some lovely things as a farewell and I did get teary.
This week the first man I ever fell in love with posted an old song we used to adore. Enjoy:
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