Brother Blood And Water

This year my family grew because I found another brother.  He has completely changed my life. Even though we don't share DNA, my family and I think the world of him.  He has cheered me on when I was exhausted and emotionally spent.  He has offered advice, an ear to listen, and a heart that hurts when I do.  Sure, he gets a salary to manage me, has an office next to mine, and I see him almost every day.

I would never have this amazing apartment and awesome roommate if Super Boss didn't suggest for months that I try to live in Boston.  He told me over coffee how he found his former roommates when he had an apartment in the city. When I thought I was going to be evicted, he shared the story of how he had to find an apartment in a week a couple years ago. He helped me develop the questions I used to vet Awesome Roommate.  It was so great to have him as a resource and me admitting to ANYONE that I am not confident or know something is rare and a bit difficult for me.  You know what he did when I signed for this apartment? He offered me a rug from his place.  It is now in my bedroom totally tying the room together. 

He spent months meeting with higher ups, developing strategies with our director, and composing memos to make sure I got a raise. The scope of everything he did trickled down to me recently. There were business reasons, of course, to ensure a higher salary but to him, the fact that I was reaping the reward made him happy. He cares so much about my happiness, it sometimes gets overwhelming. When I am bogged down with stress or work, and when he is under the same burden if not more, he takes the time to acknowledge my accomplishments and makes me smile with a joke or quirky tale.

He has seen me cry and I have seen him cry.  We have confided our worries to each other and have shared frustrations. When I share stuff with him, I am so acutely aware that he cares, I worry about overwhelming him. So, I try to break it down in parts by letting him know X is something I know he can't help with but I needed to verbalize it. But Y is something we can work on.   He tends to forget the stories he has told me so when I remember some detail from a month's old anecdote, he is flummoxed and demands, "How did you know that?" I like to allude to long dormant superpowers but ultimately reply, "Because you told me." 

He values my mother's opinion and perspectives which is when it can get weird hearing her words coming out of his mouth.  On the flip side, I tend to echo his wife too. We echo each other's anxieties which is affirming but doesn't feel so hot.  Because I can logic away my worries but if he also is concerned about my safety and disgruntled employees, the worry is real.  He has ordered something like this for the analyst team.  Every week he checks with me to see if I have been threatened.

I know he will eventually find a new job but I don't think he'll disappear from my life when that happens.  For just as he has shown me such generosity and compassion, I have tried to do the same with him. We'll celebrate November 22 and January 19, our birthdays, from now on. Together.

The One Where Chokmah Learns About Triggering

Monday, I had a good talk with Super Boss recapping what happened last Friday.  He was livid with the co-worker who suggested that I ignore policy and help the screaming employee. He was also incredibly upset that I felt so burdened and wrong when I have to cancel insurance coverage. He got it, but assured me that I am a good person and don't deserve the vitriol directed at me.  He also pointed out that if I am so upset and no one is around in our office, I could reach out to the company's EAP services.  So I did that Monday.

Here's the issue, I thought the whole "trigger" thing is for people who have PTSD and that the term has been co-opted by super sensitive teens who don't want to think upsetting thoughts.  The EAP counselor pointed out that it's more about how my body responds to something I perceive as similar to a past trauma. The adrenaline that surges through me on a call with a screaming employee, the shaking hands, tears, and sleep difficulties all come from the same place.  The memory of what follows after the screaming.  We also talked about ways to calm myself.  It was good.

Tuesday, my therapist helped me talk through strategies if someone unstable shows up for a drop in. Tuesday afternoon Super Boss and I called back screaming employee now that I had completed a reconciliation of his account. Super Boss and I tried to explain how the employee fell behind to his wife but she kept interrupting, screaming at us, and getting totally confused about numbers. So screaming employee tag teamed in to do more screaming, threatening of lawyers, and nasty needling saying how we must be so proud of ourselves. The weirdest thing happened. I felt calm but Super Boss, who is usually cool as a cucumber, snapped at the employee, was shaking, and flushed.  Remember how I had guessed he was a fellow survivor of some childhood badness? I think Super Boss was triggered. So, I went into Big Sister mode, leaned over and whispered, "This is where it helps to get angry." The call ended with Pissed Employee calling our department director who was home sick and Super Boss going back to his office.  I tried finishing up some work and I got three separate calls from Super Boss where he let himself get angry.  There you go guy - process your shit!

Today, only three of us were in the office; me, Super Boss, and Baby Analyst.  All three of us wept in my office by noon today.  Super Boss looked like he had been up all night stewing over pissed employee's situation.  Screaming employee's wife had been calling all over out department to try to get another answer.  We had to call her back and her story oddly changed this time around.  Our department director didn't want to reinstate the benefits but warned us that the company manager might overturn any of our decisions. I accepted it but thought it sucked.  So Super Boss asked me to check out if there are other cancelled benefit people in the same boat as screaming employee. Only two others so Super Boss asked me how I would feel if we reinstated benefits for all three. I hit the roof but for a split second and asked for the rationale. Super Boss came up with a flimsy one and this is when he started crying saying, "This sucks" over and over.  Into Big Sis mode, I wound up calling him kiddo and pointed out that this is our first month implementing this new policy. We called the director to make sure he'd okay it and we discussed with the Benefits enrollment department.  Amazingly, the department was so helpful and sympathetic! We got a better rationale thanks to them.  Talking through the next steps, I wound up blurting out to Super Boss that I was beaten for most of my life and told that I was a worthless piece of shit but staying calm in the face of screaming hostility I feel powerful and fully myself.

Super Boss reacted fine but I panicked.  Within five minutes, I regretted saying anything and apologized for the overshare. I also dismissed Super Boss and instructed him to go back to his office and work on anything else. So I sat in my office crying.  Baby Analyst stumbled in and got concerned. I explained the whole change in policy.  I also took a deep breath and asked her not to look at me differently but I am an abuse survivor. This job makes me feel smart, accomplished, and powerful but the screaming phone calls make me feel like the four year old being kicked and called a mother fucking bitch.  That I don't want to feel that ever again.  I looked up and Baby Analyst's face was soaked with tears.  I gave her a big hug and told her that it's okay and I joked that I broke her.

Super Boss and I in the afternoon called screaming employee's wife to give her the good news from my office.  I started dialing, my hands were shaking, and I felt the tears in my eyes. So I had to hang up and announced that I was upset.  It looked like Super Boss had been crying in his own office and he asked me why.  Crying, I explained that we found an exception for these three employees and it's not like I don't want to find an exception for the other 57 employees we terminated benefits for.  I got that feeling out, he agreed, I took a deep breath and declared, "Feelings are for the weak."  Called screaming employee's wife who was a complete asshole.

Now,  I have four days of no work.  Happy holidays y'all!

Therapy Blog Basically

I had a good talk with Super Boss Monday about the Friday phone calls when I was home recovering. He apologized and we set good boundaries.  I was told it's okay not to respond to work texts or calls if I get them and he ordered me to stop checking my work email when I went home. I felt supported and good.

Prince Analyst suddenly had a big change of heart work-wise.  I think someone in his life gave him a stern talking to. He kicked ass on the project he had been dicking around with. I also had a talk with him where I told him, "When you see me doing work and tell me that an intern should be doing it, I feel like you're saying the work is beneath you."  Check out that therapy fu phrasing! He set me straight by complimenting me but when he compliments me, it always feels very smarmy.  He said, "I absolutely do not mean that. I just see an intelligent woman who should be doing much more challenging work." Ugh, get me a squeegee! I explained to him what he sees is not the months of work, I have done, the four queries I needed to build, and all the process improvements I had to develop that lead to a simple mailing.  I let Super Boss know I had this talk and it turns out Prince Analyst later in the day apologized to him!

Worker Bee Analyst saved my sanity this week. He took a huge reconciliation off my plate, ran with it, improved it, and totally delivered.  I high fived Super Boss one evening saying, "Good hire!"  Oh yeah, I was able to leave work before 6:00 three times this week! Having a fully staffed team is already easing things for me.  Baby Analyst helped me a ton with my billing mailing.  She had great ideas on how to improve things, made me smile and laugh a lot during a really stressful time.

Wednesday afternoon I had a little freakout and luckily Super Boss was around to help me talk through things.  It feels really weird being the more experienced analyst and the go to person for my co-analysts because my ego loves it but my brain keeps reminding me that I barely know anything.  I just generally felt like I was being a fraud know-it-all and it was exacerbated by a training Super Boss set up with me and Prince Analyst where I kept being referred to as an expert or someone who had so much experience. I did kinda but do I solidly remember it? Nope.  Super Boss told me he struggles with the same feelings of fraud and moments of panic. That helped a lot.

Thursday morning was really weird. Prince Analyst came into my office saying "So..." and he closed the door "Soo?"I gave him a look and asked him, "What's going on?" He informed me that from what he has heard that Super Boss is going to be offering me the Senior Analyst position. I squinted and corrected him saying that I applied but haven't interviewed. He replied, "Oh, I just thought from the way he talks about you..." I asked for an example. Apparently, Super Boss talks about me and him in the same breath and then Prince Analyst and Worker Bee.  He begins a lot of sentences with "Chokmah and I..." Aw! But I explained to Princey that it's probably leftover speech patterns from the 8 months when it was only us. Yeah, my company isn't a freaking royal court and no one at my level gets magically appointed to a job without following a staffing process. 

Friday felt like everything fell apart. I discovered a billing system error first thing in the morning. Luckily, it had not affected many people but there was huge fallout. Super Boss and I spent three hours in my office trying to fix things. He uttered two phrases that perfectly sum up how I feel about this damn billing: "I feel like my brain is going through a million things." and "I'm not stressed but I feel like I am going to cry". Yup, welcome to my life. In the afternoon, I had to deal with a screaming phone call from an employee where all the talking points and tactics that I have been taught did not work. I also had a co-worker point out to me that I can ignore policy and fix things for the employee. Which is basically the entire reason why the billing process was a wreck for years and would undo months of my work. My heart wants to help the employee but I can't. So, I got incredibly upset. I cried in my office, cried on my drive home, cried to my mom, roommate, and brother. Sometimes I feel part of the work I'm doing diminishes who I am and is immoral. But it's company policy and cue the Nazi jokes about "following orders". This is how I felt Friday but I feel better now.

Tough At First But Eventually Better

This week started fairly well but Thursday and Friday had hiccups.  Thursday, I found out the IT director has drastically reduced testing time for the new billing process and I have one week to complete until the deadline to go live.  The meeting where we found this out, I alternated between hearing screaming in my head, laughing hysterically or getting snippy with the programmers.  The good thing is most programmers are on the spectrum so they didn't pick up on my tone.  Super Boss tried to help me after the meeting to scope out the steps and order.  Making lists made me a bit saner.

We had a new analyst start Monday.  He is Awesome Worker Bee.  From day one, he has been looking for anything he can help with. He is incredibly enthusiastic and nice.  Meanwhile Prince Analyst is outright lying to Super Boss about the "work" he is doing and he was out for two and a half days this week. He was sick to be fair but we really needed his theoretical help!

Today, I worked a half day. In the afternoon, I had a neuropsychological assessment.  I requested it since it had been over ten years from my last assessment and I would like to know how I'm doing.  It could help me with strategies for work and life.  The test took two and a half hours.  Parts went really well and other parts I burst into tears because my brain just could not pull up what I needed.  Since the test is extended highly complex thinking under pressure and observation. I knew that I would be a complete vegetable after the testing so I went home to crash. I crashed and also could not stop crying because being reminded of being different or less than plus the performance anxiety stirred everything up. I know I have vastly improved and kicked ass on a bunch of stuff but my emotions didn't know.  I was home, in a safe space, so I let myself feel sad.

I texted Super Boss thanking him for his help this week as a kinda I survived and adios for the weekend. This kicked off 8 texts messages and a phone call about an emergency upload where I had to try to remember a password.  That went incredibly well with my recovering brain and memory. I got really upset and angry. I asked for one goddamn afternoon off and I can't get that. Super Boss and I are going to have a chat Monday.

In Which I Work in A Sitcom

There is a Legal Counsel at work who is like the epitome of professionalism and approachability. Baby Analyst and I have been enthralled in meeting after meeting the way she cuts through bullshit and moves things forward. Last Thursday there was a meeting scheduled and I found myself critically thinking about my wardrobe, jewelry, and makeup Wednesday night. I wanted to look nice in a way to impress Legal - which I thought was kinda weird. Cut to Thursday morning, Baby Analyst was in my office filing and she started saying, "I really thought long and hard about my outfit today because you know - Legal is in today's meeting." My poker face gave me away and Baby Analyst noted that my ensemble was really on point. Is this a professional Girl Crush or a cult? It could be a thrall.

Monday, I realized that Super Boss misses me if he's tied up in meetings all day. We wind up touching base the last hour of the day part catching up on business and part chatting. He just keeps talking and it's so nice seeing him decompress then he gets so relaxed he gets wise assy. I know I'm valued for the work I do and it's nice to be valued for the comfort and connection I can provide. Or as I said Monday night, I am the Riker to his Picard.

Tuesday the analyst team met in my office so I could train them on how to help me on a project. Guys, TEAM! That means more than two exhausted thirty-somethings powered by caffeine and despair. There was Baby Analyst, Super Boss, Prince Analyst, New Guy, and me. I was giving background to the system and Super Boss decided to say, "When Chokmah is gone, this is how we envision this process." Cue the team utterly losing their shit thinking that I am leaving the company. Super Boss was flabbergasted by the huge response and I was laughing my ass off saying,"I appreciate you guys too." Then Prince Analyst joked,"We just care because we want your office." Joked.

Knowing It's Real Means You Gotta Make A Decision

Big surprise, I'm a fan of the Jessica Jones Netflix series. I'm on my 3rd rewatch. This has been a tough week because:

- I had to terminate health benefits for a number of people for the first time

- I didn't get much sleep

- I wound up working a lot of hours

- Prince Analyst is an entitled unreliable asshole

- Everything that could go wrong Friday went wrong

I felt a huge amount of guilt and anxiety terminating people's benefits plus I worried that someone unhinged would shoot me. Security in our building is a joke. Random people wander our department halls. Super Boss also fed my anxiety by casually chatting about active shooter contingencies and instructing me to hide my scissors and letter opener. He also had a shit week working past midnight Thursday morning and popping into my office several times Friday leading with, "More bad news..." I gave him a huge lecture about his long work hours Thursday. He had to take an Uber home Thursday morning then I saw him come in at 8:30 so I called him demanding, "What are you doing here so early?" Then he asked why I was in so early. Check and mate sir.

I had a couple crying jags in my office this week. Unfortunately, Friday's waterworks started in front of Prince Analyst. I hate crying in front of untrustworthy people. He is on my shit list now because he said he did something then it took me and Super Boss an hour and a half plus a conference call with IT to figure out His Highness didn't do jack. Super Boss was LIVID, punched the air declaring "I hate liars!" I had never seen him so angry but, me being dumb super positive me, I tried to talk him down by suggesting Prince didn't understand the task. Cut to hours later when Princey was helping me with an assignment. I was showing him what to do and his response was, "So, this is something we could have an intern do." Pissed, I pointed out A we don't have an intern and B this is what I do daily. At the end of the day, Super Boss mentioned how he never did a task Super Boss asked him to do (I know why Prince didn't do anything but why share and make Super Boss go ballistic?) I did let Super Boss know His Majesty's complaints about the work I needed help with. Prince left work at 4 Friday. I left at 6. Super Boss left at 8. I need to work Sunday because of workload and deadlines. His Royal Assiness will mosey into the office at 9 Monday claim he is so new, he doesn't have anything to do while complaining about the job, have a lunch hour, and leave at 4:30. Oh yeah, he's taking next Friday off from work because "work" life balance. 

The sleeping problem is probably tied to my emotions and anxiety over the benefit terminations. I was lucky to eek out 4 hours a night and caffeine just kept me afloat. In reality, I have just had to deal with a couple upsetting notes in the mail and a couple screaming phone calls. Those were reaction to asking for payments so what's the escalation for telling people they're done? San Bernardino definitely didn't help my mental state. I have a just in case I'm murdered letter saved on work's computer. Super Boss has told me about a time several years ago when an employee threatened to shoot everyone in the office. I have a bunch of furniture that I can use to barricade myself into my office plus a metal desk. We are on the fourth floor with windows that can't open.

On the up side, I am so happy to have my roommate back from her holiday trip. It was very lonely without her. She also raved about me to her family. I have a lot more experience with being responsible for a household so I do stuff rather than wait to be asked to do it. Roommate told me about a former cohabitant who never took out the trash or did the dishes when Roomie was away for the holidays. In the midst of the long crazy week, Roomie made dinner for us so I had a hot meal when I rolled home at  8. She also listened to me cry and talk through my anxieties about work Friday night. 

I really hope working Sunday will give me some breathing room next week. The second new analyst is starting Monday. I hope he will eventually do work rather than create more work. This entry title is from Jessica Jones and the complete quote is "Knowing it's real means you gotta make a decision. One, keep denying it or two do something about it." I'm choosing option two.