Saturday, April 09, 2016

Broken Things

This blog is about my life on my path to wisdom, healing, and self-knowledge. Friday afternoon, I set in motion a series of events at work that I am deeply ashamed of.  I wasn't aware of it at the time but I kept pushing and pushing Super Boss in an abusive manner so I got to win by being the victim of him storming into my office and yelling at me. It doesn't matter the he said, she said of it play by play. I was unprofessional and disrespectful to my boss. He was really struggling Friday so he couldn't deal with my drama and he just announced "That's it." grabbed his coat and walked out.  The former director wound up running after him.  I was in the Staffing Manager's office crying.  I played my trump victim card floating the idea that I might rescind my senior analyst application.

I went back to my office to tie some work up and I saw Super Boss return to his office. I went to his door and apologized. He was completely disheveled and was crying in his dark office. He said, "Just leave." weakly when I finished. I gathered my stuff to leave and closed my office door, then the clock on the wall fell and shattered next to me.  This is around 4:45 and the handful of people left yelled asking if I was okay.  Super Boss came out of his office concerned. I told him I was fine and will clean it up. Because nothing is more awesomely pathetic and victimy than picking up broken glass crying. Oh yeah, when I want to feel pathetic, I can go all out. I got in another abusive parting shot at Super Boss that set him off again because I am that fucked up.

I cried on the train ride home and it turns out my roommate was on the same train so she met me in the station lobby with a big hug.  I called my mom who pointed out all the bullshit psychodrama I had unfurled at work.  She told me that Super Boss had every right to tell me to fuck off and how I acted could jeopardize my job.  I needed to hear these things and it helped. She also gave me advice on how to handle Monday.

To be quite frank dear readers, I have written a lot here about how Super Boss has been so supportive, kind, and my biggest champion. I don't always treat him like he's the best boss I've ever had. He is.  I get caught in testing him for dumb psychological reasons. I test his patience, I test his compassion, and I test until I guess I win by making a kind decent man explode yelling at me?  It's easier for me to deal with brutishness than compassion and patience.

I have a therapy appointment Tuesday - which I am going to try to move to Monday.  I also booked an acupuncture appointment tomorrow. My plan is to see if Super Boss wants to talk about it, if he does I will apologize listing the steps I'll take to handle things better.  I don't think I am going to be fired. I'll probably get a written warning and have a meeting between him, I, and the Staffing Manager. I am also considering writing a formal letter of apology.

The mountain of shame and regret I am digging out of is deserved and completely exhausting. You know what really killed it for me? The Staffing Manager kept saying how Super Boss has nothing but great things to say about me and a co-worker gave me a huge hug telling me that our department needs 10 Chokmahs and how I shouldn't let Friday ruin my weekend. I work with good people - and I need to make sure I treat them well darn it!

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