Shitty Month

I'm home sick today with an ear infection.  Yes, I am a forty year old with an ear infection - you read correctly. I am also using this time home to do further studying for my SHRM-CP exam this Saturday. Waves of panic and fear of failure have been a struggle recently.  It seems like every person in my class who took the exam earlier has passed so of course I am dreading that I'll be the one person who fails.

Work has been tough due to a major HRIS transition with no project management and some interpersonal issues with the staffing team.  The staffing team did not like me asking them to correct things themselves and I got two days in a row of "But Super Boss always corrected these."  Yes, he did but it's your job and he has been gone for FOUR MONTHS!  Nu Boss is still very supportive. He and I have major gripe sessions asking incredulously, "I can't believe..." or "Why can't they..." While the other repeats defeatedly, "I know, I know..."

My ear isn't the only health issue I have been dealing with recently.  The pain from being rear-ended last month has come back with muscle spasms and nerve pain. I was able to last watching most of "Rogue One" pain-free but it hit towards the end, I was barely able to move, and in tears after the movie. I'm getting an MRI of my cervical spine.

My room-mate was away visiting her sister during the holidays.  My brother stayed with me for a couple days.  It was nice to have him around to help me with stuff my back pain made difficult for me. The holidays in my family usually go like this - my mom gets all the presents and wraps them killing herself while my father basically checks out reading the newspaper in his chair barely interacting with anyone, never lifting a finger.  My brother and I help cook the holiday dinner.

This year at the big family holiday gathering, it hit me emotionally that I will never have children. So, I got sad and left early.  I always wanted to be a mother and love children.  Seeing cousins who I used to babysit with their own babies was hard.  I'm not part of a special club and never will be. I am usually okay with that but this holiday season, I wasn't.

I hope 2017 will be a less painful, healthier year so I am resupply my coping mechanisms!