I Screwed Up at Work

Do you ever notice that venting can have two results? Result one: you released something pent up inside and you feel unburdened. Result two: voicing something pent up digs up more frustration/anger and you are left fuming. I had a session with an EAP counselor Thursday morning. I had hoped for result one but I was in the throes of result two when I attended a Benefits reporting meeting.

A meeting run by a manager who's completely oblivious and threw me under the bus a couple weeks ago. I was the only person in the room who had gone through the reporting process three years in a row. I hate it and it's a huge burden to the analyst group. Manager Clueless started talking about the current status and when I answered questions, I could hear how curt and abrasive I sounded. I really tried to get a handle on my tone but that made it worse so I kept quiet and took notes,

A little while later my boss asked to speak to me in my office. He told me that I should not attend any future meetings. I came off unprofessional and abrasive. I also made him look bad. I told him I understood and aapologized. Of course I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I had a cry alone in office, talked to my roommate and brother. I also asked for some time to meet with my boss for tips/feedback.

Come on, I don't trust many people in my department. Everyone is out for number one, willing to throw anyone under the bus. It feels like constant fight or flight.  I have also been actively searching for a new job elsewhere. Being fed up and over a job, absolutely CANNOT cost me that job! Any way I can figure out how to deal, I'll take it.

My boss and I had a really good talk over coffee and I felt better with a couple new ways to approach work. The huge thing I need to work on is my work is not me. It isn't an extension of who I am. Work is work and if there's a question or mistake, it isn't an attack. I also need to feed my outside work life more. My boss told me that I have been coming into work already miserable and it creates a strain on the Analyst group. Also my tactic of going quiet in the meeting gave the impression that I was pissed at everyone in the room. Crap on a cracker...