Sunday, September 04, 2022

Trigger Warning

 Content Warning for Mental Health and Suicide


September is mental health aware month. I have lived with my roommate for seven years we are basically family.  From job loss, car accident, pet deaths, parent death, a pandemic and attempted coup, that tends to bind people close. Also we are both middle aged big nerds who love bad puns. We are both born in November too. This all came together thanks to a Craigslist ad in 2015.

Last Tuesday we were hanging out in the living room when her cell phone rang. I heard her sister ask if she is sitting down. Then my roommate gasped ans cried out "No!" I heard her sister wail something about a shotgun.  My roommate completely broke down shaking and sobbing. I stood up and put my hand on her shoulder. She looked at me and told me her nephew shot himself and committed suicide. Her eyes were asking for it to be fixed or not true.  I gave her a big hug,cried, and kept saying "I'm sorry".

Her nephew was 19. He loved games, cooking, bad puns, and Star Wars, the MCU, Tolkien, and Legos. He struggled with depression and had just started his first semester at university.  He was on medication.  His sister and brother found him in the basement.  I never met him but knowing my roommate and hearing about him, he sounds like family.  He was a member of my other family - people who fight against Depression.  The enemy took another one of us.

I have tried to kill myself twice - when I was 14 and when I was 25. I remember how hopeless it felt and once I made a decision it felt like I was in a trance.  My mom found me when I was 14.  The stroke felt like too much and insurmountable when I was 25.  I didn't see any possibility of better.  I called my mom and she talked me down.  

Then I asked my doctor's office for medication, they put me on Celexa  After about a decade, I went off Celexa because I felt better.  That is lying Depression logic. So, of course my life fell apart and my therapist put me on Lamictal.  I didn't feel as bad but quite frankly I did not feel.  Over the next several years, I lost my hair and had menstruation from hell.  Once I got sick of it, I asked my therapist how was this medication supposed to help my depression.  She told me that it should help my mania. I asked "What mania?"  Needless to say, I found a new therapist and titrated off Lamictal.  I went back to Celexa and have been on it ever since.  I know I am very lucky that I found a medication that helps and has bearable side effects. My dosage was bumped up this year because I could feel it pooping out.

I don't know exactly what my roommate's nephew was going through. I do know that you are only as functional as your latest dose, your latest therapy session, and your coping toolkit.  Depression is not a moral failing or weakness.  It's like diabetes where an organ does not work as it should.  So, there are lifestyle changes and medication needed to be functional.  I have used hotlines or my work EAP to support my coping ability. There are resources out there Please stay here.  If you don't feel like your family understands or loves you, think of your other family.  We need you to fight with us.


Sunday, July 10, 2022

Vacation

Last month my mother, brother and I drove to PEI and stayed for a week at a beach house (pink star). Our family used to vacation on the island when I was a teenager.  I got to live out my Anne of Green Gables dreams and discover the Emily of New Moon series.  My mom's family was originally from the island.  It's neat going to a place where a good part of the population looks like me. Same skin, same body shape.  I have had random locals come up to me and ask if I'm someone they know.  So, the island felt like a good place to go for a first vacation since the pandemic.  Also, we had wanted to spread some of my dad's ashes there (black square).

The beach house was gorgeous.  The beach is lovely. Two downsides were the deeply rutted unpaved road to the house that scraped the bottom of my mom's car. The steep wobbly stairs down to the beach were a scary chore.  It is a three bedroom two bath place with basic wi-fi and not much TV but that is okay.  We had planned to unplug and relax.

What we did not plan is that none of us are talking to each other now.  The vacation highlighted that our family still has deep painful problems that we chose to ignore after dad died because we needed something stable. So we pretended to be stable for two years.  

From my perspective, the vacation was painful because I was very much a third wheel. My mom and brother have similar personalities. I didn't have dad to balance me out.  My mom also does not know how to talk to people who aren't her students. We fought constantly all week because we kept talking past each other - she didn't listen to me and I got so frustrated, I didn't listen to her.  Additionally, she refused to let me drive her car. I felt all week that she didn't like me and I could do nothing right in her eyes.  I spent a lot of time on the beach just to get away from her.

Spreading my dad's ashes was very nice and sad. I had a dream with him that night for the first time in years.  My brother was very kind and supportive during the week and even offered to take me on a drive to let me get out. Both of us cried a lot that week.

Not to end on a down note. We spent almost every day on the beach and since I have the PEI skin, I didn't get burned and now have a pretty awesome tan. I slept a lot and ate a ton of good food.  For most of my life, I haven't had well prepared mussels so it turns out that I don't hate them if they are done right!  Also, Molson's beer is yummy.  I got back into reading after decades of not really being able to focus and commit to a book. I got through two of N.K Jemisin's "Broken Earth" trilogy.  There were times when all three of us could just relax and hang.  My mom read a bunch of crossword clues out loud and we tried to help after a couple Molsons - which was hilarious.  Also mom and I loved watching Canadians reporting on U.S. news.  We really are the downstairs meth lab to them.  The drive home was a lot of fun because I was allowed to play the road trip mix I had put together.
 

Tuesday, April 26, 2022

Don’t Have a Mammogram at Tufts Medical Center

 Fall 2021 I had my annual mammogram at Tufts. The tech just pushed the go button on the hydraulic press with no adjustments. It was very rushed and I didn’t know what to do.

I started crying on my way home. My entire chest was black and blue for weeks. I needed to ice the area and only wear sports bras. I looked like I had been in a massive car accident.

Around the holidays I noticed a lump in my right breast. I kept an eye on it for a couple weeks. It grew and shifted location so I saw a doctor. She was about to order a consult to Tufts Breast Center but I stopped her and got a referral to Mass General Hospital.

January 2022 I went to MGH. The Breast Center is clean. Personnel is very kind and attentive. I did not feel like an annoyance or inconvenience. I had an ultrasound and a mammogram. My stars, a mammogram done well is sooo much better! I didn’t know some machines have different squishing paddles and knobs to adjust pressure. Dread turned into relief. 

I was approached by a doctor as I walked to the waiting room. He told me the scans are concerning and I should have a core biopsy. Inside my depression and anxiety nodded and said “Of course”. There was time that afternoon to do the biopsy so I agreed. I am really impressed with the kindness and professionalism at MGH. A staff member held my hand during the biopsy and told me I was doing great as tears trickled out my eyes. It didn’t hurt I was just feeling scared and overwhelmed. There is a tiny metal tag left in the biopsy spot and I had another mammogram to make sure it looked okay. I had to ice the biopsy spot and wear a sports bra. The bandaging was great - good coverage and no skin shredding removal.

So of course the next couple of weeks, I read up on breast cancer treatments and staging. Some late nights I looked at post op mastectomy pictures as mental preparation. I got the news I don’t have breast cancer. The lump is necrotic tissue from injury. Gee when was I injured recently?

People, get your mammograms done at MGH. Always speak up if you are in pain or confused about a test being performed on your body.


Sunday, August 22, 2021

I Have Breakthrough COVID


 

I was vaccinated with Pfizer Jan 11 and Feb 1 2021. Those vaccinations were pretty uneventful.  Just a sore arm and tiredness afterwards.

Last weekend I traveled to Hampton Beach to actually get away and enjoy beach life. I don't think I contracted COVID from Hampton Beach but the no mask atmosphere got me lulled into a false sense of security.  On the drive home I used a restroom at a rest stop that I'm suspecting could have been the exposure location. 

On Wednesday Aug 18 I was sneezy with a runny nose. The pollen report was pretty high so I thought it was allergies. So, no big deal. On Thursday, I was completely congested with a sore throat. I thought the allergies might have progressed to a sinus infection. But I was having a bloody nose and developed a low grade fever.  I reached out to my PCP.

Friday Aug 20 I was told to get a COVID test.  The exhaustion and body aches were hitting bad. I got the CVS ellume take home test.  My results were positive but apparently it isn't that accurate so I booked a PCR test for Sat.  I could not find an available free testing site until August 24 so I opted for a paid place that comes to your home. I got my positive results from them within 12 hours.

I am very lucky I am home stuffed up and tired  watching Netflix and not in the hospital.  That is how I know the vaccine works. A couple things:

- If the only available testing centers are booked out four days, that means four days of potential virus spread is going undetected. Governor Baker needs to get on the ball.

- It's okay to be cautious.  Being the only person masked, is okay. It is very hard to resist the crowd especially for something that is uncomfortable. Being safe is worth it.

- Listen to your body and trust your instincts.

- If you do get sick, it's normal to go through a lot of emotions. I regretted going away, was angry at unvaccinated idiots, scared about Delta/Lambda, and felt like an ungrateful jerk.

Wednesday, December 30, 2020

Deuxieme Vague

 Welp, here we are Dec 2020. Out of control COVID infections throughout the country. MA ICUs at 80 to 100% capacity depending on area. Baker not rolling back anything. So, my July opinion of him is GONE. I know, I know there isn’t any good move to make everyone happy. Another shutdown will crater the economy. But trusting citizen’s common sense isn’t working. In October, I went to one social gathering. One of the hosts’ mothers is high risk so she wore a mask and she got teased by her adult sons. I left the gathering after 30 minutes. 

Two weeks later, I had a COVID scare. Luckily, it came back negative. I hated the panic and guilt I felt over being a possible superspreader. Unlike certain corrupt politicians, I have empathy. 

Work has been difficult and demanding. Every other week, I was in tears over my workload or some disaster I uncovered. My boss has been very supportive. For months, I felt guilty that I was using his bandwidth especially since he is so buttoned down and quiet. Introvert managing an exhausting extrovert. We had an amazing talk last month where he told me that he used to be exactly like me and it took time and strategies to get to him current calm. He also pointed out that for my own health, I need to develop some strategies. So, so true. Also, awesome insight and empathy! Through this craziness, I had a great performance review this month.

I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy last month. It is called a Double in GI world. I call it the Chinese finger trap. No one warned me about the colonoscopy drink. Ugh, the smell. Now I hate Crystal Light lemonade. There is a completion amount goal during a timeframe. It doesn’t have to be exact. If you have nothing left to evacuate, take a break. The drink prep was actually worse than the procedure. I absolutely love propofol. It’s a nice warm blackout and coming to, I was smiling. I actually said I was an Avenger - ha! My back was pretty sore for a couple days due to funky procedure positioning. The results are that I don’t have cancer. I need an annual endoscopy to keep an eye on tissue in my esophagus. I need a possible surgery consult as well.


Thursday, July 09, 2020

July Check In

Thank God I live in Massachusetts! As of now, I am really happy how our governor handled COVID shut-downs.  We are one of the few states with declining infection rates.  I did take advantage of some of the phased openings. Eating outdoors at a restaurant feels amazing. You have to give a contact name and number.  The server wears a mask and you have directions to the restroom with a log of when it was last cleaned.  Eating food not prepared by my home was fantastic.  I ate out on the 19 anniversary of my stroke June 10 and Father's Day. I spent the former with my mom and the latter with my brother. This pandemic crisis has really brought us closer - which is nice and feels different.  Like, my mom tells my to my face that I have good ideas and gives me advice! That is freaking amazing to me.

Work is still remote from home. I had moments of frustration and demoralization here and there. I got some pointers from my boss about the tone of my email responses - which initially pissed me off but I did some research and realized that it can be an issue.  Only 50% of survey respondents can accurately identify email tone as a recipient! So, yeah... it is a good idea to phrase things as helpful and positive via email because intent is lost. I also was told to smile by a random consultant on Zoom which pissed me off.  So I mentioned that to my boss, his boss, and the dept VP. The department VP spoke to him and apologized to me letting me know the intent wasn't negative. That helped a lot. How many times have I been told by strangers on the street to "Smile honey" - ugh!

My roommate's cat, Shanna, passed away June 11 from congestive heart failure.  She was fourteen. It was so awful. We noticed she was listless and her breathing came in gasps so we brought her to Angell. They took her cat carrier and called my roommate. We thought it was allergies or an upper respiratory infection.  They called my roommate as we waited in the parking lot. I saw her face fall, tears gather in her eyes, and voice catch. I started crying. So, Shanna was put to sleep.  My roomie was able to see her afterwards - not me.  Damn COVID! This is the 3rd cat we have lost in my 4 years here. It is absolutely gutting. Angell, as always, was fantastic.

After this shock, we reached out to Fi Fi's former foster mom through Boston Animal Rescue. Now, we have had Ciarwyn for a week.  He is a black male with accents of white. He and Phil are best buds.  Fi Fi has been really skittish an dweirded out but is warming up to him. He is so cute. Fearless, curious, and a snuggle bug. Having him around has been wonderful. We love him!  The foster mom is an absolute cat whisperer.


Finally, I saw Hamilton July 3 on Disney+. I am officially obsessed. I've watched it twice. Bought the soundtrack, watched all the interviews I could. Read articles and cannot get the soundtrack out of my head. I was a drama/musical nerd in high school so I can see the genius of the show plus I am a history major. It is magnificent.  I always cry in the second act.  It has given me more appreciation for my mom and music theory.

Life is pretty good. I'm surviving. My roommate got a COVID test the other day which was negative which means to me that the precautions we are taking are good.  I got involved with the push to remove the Emancipation Group statue at  Park Plaza. I testified at the Boston Arts Commission hearing.  It is being removed. So I feel pretty great about that.  Tory Bullock was the main driving force he -  created a petition and pointed us towards the correct government contacts.
This does not say freed slave.To me, it looks like a shoe shine or Lincoln as Jesus giving a benediction. I was full bore removal going into the hearings but heard great arguments about moving it to a museum or recasting the slave as standing. I'm so glad I got involved. I used to work less than a block away from it and had a pit in my stomach every time I passed by it.  Also, fun fact there is going to be someplace in Boston a Frederick Douglass statue eventually someday!

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Anxiety During a Pandemic

This is my second week working from home. It has highlighted that I need to upgrade my desk with a monitor eventually. Right now, I am hunching over my work laptop. At least I have a fantastic office chair! It is over twenty years old - something I bought after lumbar disc removal. That gives you a clue on the great back support. I also love the chair because every single cat of mine has perched on the back.
Handling the current national crisis and uncertainty is a daily battle. Since I'm a number's nerd, this site makes me feel a lot better. Dr. Fauci makes me feel better too. Guess who doesn't make me feel calm?
I have been visiting family and friends via Zoom. That is a joy and solace. My mom is 68 and has respiratory problems so we set August 1 as the next time I can visit her. My uncle has instructed us to track our tenperature daily. It is important to do the little things you can control. This past weekend my roommate and I ran a couple quick errands. That made me feel better - things were different but it wasn't The Apocalypse. But I didn't got into the grocery store. My roommate said that was really scary and weird. I'm taking a lot of naps when my brain needs to peace out from the stress.
On bad days, I wake up with this tiny voice in my head saying, "They are going to let us die" and throughout the day, that voice becomes a scream. The hospital I work at needs mask donations and so many of my friends and family are on the front lines treating patients. But as long as the stock market is doing well, right guys?

Friday, March 13, 2020

Rideshare Hit or Miss

The last couple of months, I have had experiences with drivers of Lyft and Uber where I wonder what is going on.
Example 1 - from my stroke I have problems with feeling and dexterity on my left side. Buckling a seatbelt on the passenger side is difficult for me. I usually ask the driver if it's okay for me to sit behind them. Usually, they are cool. Or you get a driver like I did a couple weeks ago who refuses to let me sit there even though there is enough room and I explain that I have a TBI and using my left hand is hard. The guy a couple weeks ago said he would circle around so I could hop in on the drivers side. He just drove off and cancelled my ride leaving me stranded.

Example 2 - sometimes you get a driver who loves to blast the radio. Okay fine. I can zone out. But sometimes that radio is a preacher screaming about how homosexuality is an abomination and is the reason why society is failing. I don't let that shit fly as an ally. I asked my driver to please change the radio and let him know the statistics of suicide and homelessness in the LGBTQI population.

Example 3 - this driver just doesn't want to be there or have a passenger. God forbid you say hello. You are just a package to be delivered, not a human being.

Example 4 - GPS is such a mystery and so difficult. This driver blows past every turn they should have taken and gets frustrated when they get honked at trying to drive on the wrong side of the road.

Usually, I am so tired I just try to put up with it so I can get to my destination. Not Thursday March 12,2020, this driver was a combination of 1 to 3. I asked for him to please roll up the window as we got on the highway onramp. That was a hassle. I couldn't really hear what he was saying since a guy was shouting on the radio speaker behind my head. For a good block, I didn't realize it was the radio - I thought some angry guy was yelling on the sidewalk. The driver refused to turn off the radio. I was not feeling comfortable or listened to. I saw a cop car on Mass Ave and told him that if he doesn't want me as a passenger, he can pull over. He said no let me drive you.

He also told me he doesn't know what my problem is. I listed out the several requests I had and his responses. I also asked him to please let me out. He refused. We were in four lane traffic. I was crying at this point. He turned down a more residential street. We approached a stop light, I took off my seat belt and said I was getting out. He said no but he pulled over at least. I got out and walked as fast as I could away from him. I had rough idea where I was. I wound up taking a bus home.

It took three requests for him to let me out. He kept the radio blasting as a form of control/disorientation. Any request I had was a problem from me. I know there is an emergency button in the Lyft app. My gut was yelling at me to get out. My brain was equivocating if escalating the situation would make it worse. That fight or flight impulse has not had a workout for a while. It was how I lived for 24 years. Assessing a situation, preparing for the blow, and figuring out how to get away.

I was a crying mess when I got home. I was proud that I took control of the situation. I hated feeling trapped. I also had to confront that my original abuser is dead. Life is exhausting.

Saturday, February 29, 2020

Reality Check and Anxiety Mitigation

January 2010, I caught swine flu at age 33. I was living alone. It started with bad stomach upset which lead to a horrible cough. I got a same day appointment, a swab of my nose, and it was confirmed. There was nothing the doctor could prescribe but I got a list of symptoms to keep an eye out for. I called my work and the protocol is that I needed to be symptom free for a week before I could return.
My bedroom was at the opposite end of the building from the bathroom. As I developed a fever and got weaker, I had to set up an air mattress in my living room so I would be closer. My mom checked in on me and brought supplies. The first couple of days were the worst. The chills felt like they were in my bones, my chest gurgled and rattled as I breathed. I had no energy and could barely stand. Then I started alternating between chills and sweats. I remember lying on the air mattress thinking this is how it felt on the frontier with ague or scarlet fever. I read a lot of Little House as a kid.

Slowly yet surely I improved. There was a concern that I had developed pneumonia as a complication because my lungs were a wreck. My time off work was extended a little bit. My breathing was ragged and bad chills lasted until March.

I was also quarantined for a week in a hospital in 2002 when they thought I had bacterial meningitis. That was a very miserable time. I was on an IV of high dose antibiotics that hurt all the time. You don’t realize how much you need to see people’s mouths to feel connected and comfortable until you can’t see them for a week. I watched Denzel and Halle win their Oscars from my hospital bed.

I’m writing this to help me and you know the scary viruses and quarantines are horrible and survivable. People need to keep calm.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Down the Sims 4 Hole

I had to get a new computer, I lost my old Sims 3 game progress. But with a new computer I would able to play Sims 4! Oh my goodness, I have been playing the hell out of it! I started with the base game plus Seasons plus Parenthood and toddler stuff pack. That first week was me figuring out how to rotate items and the new build options. I love the drag to make a foundation and the ability to select rooms! The wall variety is great too. I don’t like how neighborhoods work in the game. The map makes them appear to be connected but during game play, it isn’t as seamless.

I’m a big fan of building families, and learning skills so I decided to make my legacy family The Campbells. I started with James and Christina, kid James Jr and toddler Euphemia. I had no idea how difficult toddlers could be! The stupid glitches with feeding in a high chair almost killed a couple kids from starvation. Luckily, I joined an online Sims 4 community so they suggested just leaving out plates of food for the kids to eat. Tah dah. No dead kids.


I got bored with my builds so I started replicating house plans I found online. I always had to reconfigure garage spaces. There is a fabulous YouTube channel that is full of great game tips and can be a relaxing way to fall asleep while watching a build. I’m a toddler with blocks compared to his amazing freehand wall builds. Here’s the thing, I hate clutter in real life but you kinda need that stuff in the game to make homes more realistic. That is when I stumbled upon the challenge of putting décor items on shelves or surfaces. That stack of folded towels can’t go anywhere – grr


For the time being, I’m playing Sims 4 with realism so no magic, mermaids vampires, or aliens. I did get the Cats and Dogs, Get to Work, Great Outdoors, Dine Out, Discover University, and City Living expansions (Black Friday sale – woot!) I also made a Sim me and Sim Phil and Fi Fi. I’m living my best life in Brindleton Bay as a vet. My childhood home got built in Newcrest. Adding wrapping stairs to the Sims 4 is fantastic by the way.


No mods and limited custom content because that can slow down game play horrendously. I might buy Get Together. I’m going to wait until I’ve fully played all the other expansions. University is so hard and not that engrossing but those skills and career buffs are worth it. I am also amazed how dirty and sleepless my Sim students can get! Yeah, accuracy points.


Dine Out is making me very happy. I adore building restaurants, designing menus, managing employees, and schmoozing with customers. Ironically, I am struggling with Bakeries with Get to Work. Can I just say, it’s total BS that you can’t hire a baker when you first start? Cupcake factory ain’t gonna cut it all the time. Also, why is that the microscope, and telescope huge? You need a skills barn to house everything! Speaking of, I do miss horses I just read about a Sims 4 challenge that could spice things up in each world – Insane Asylum. Finally I can use the clown costume!

Thursday, November 21, 2019

Turning 43 Tomorrow

It is going to be a low-key bittersweet birthday this year. I'd like to look back on where I was ten years ago.

I was working at Beth Israel Deaconess in a newish job and had moved to Quincy October 2009. Rasputin was two years old. I was let go from that job January 2010 and the apartment in Quincy was a complete nightmare. So, through pretty crazy times and putting up with total landlord BS, I have wound up in a pretty good place! I love where I live.  My roommate and I are good buddies. My job is decent. The major negatives are my health - some stuff under my control and other stuff not.  Losing my dad was going to happen and it actually occurred in a time and manner that cushioned the awfulness.

Wednesday, November 06, 2019

Six Months

I didn’t think I could get through this pain of loss back in April.  Now it’s October. I have more good days than bad.My heart still feels like it has been crushed and hung with a heavy weight. On my bad days, I cry myself into a headache.

I’m proud that I have been fairly consistent with my work schedule and output with only a few mental health days here and there.The other week, I was a complete wreck at work and all my therapy tools weren’t helping. I just wanted my dad and not to be burglarized. That is a horrible side effect of being robbed. If mementos of loved ones are taken, you mourn for them all over again. My boss is awesome and told me to go home. I said, “Thank you. It has been too much” in gasps between crying.

That night, I decided to finally write to my dad. I did it via email and in the split second that I hit send to his old email address a dumb denial
thought came to me,” What if the email doesn’t bounce?” That would mean the corpse I saw back in April was an elaborate sculpture and my dad faked his own death for… reasons? Denial doesn’t have to make sense.

My mom and brother are wobbling through their grief. We know the holidays are going to be incredibly difficult so we have plans. I’m working from home for my birthday and staying at my mom’s afterwards. I’m not going to any big family gatherings because I went to a small gathering last month and that utterly wiped me out. It was the first time I saw most of the people since my dad’s memorial. Plus, there were so many dads there dadding it up. It had been a long while since I had a conversation that had the underlying thought of “what the heck is he talking about?”

Monday, October 21, 2019

Is it Safe?

On Friday October 18 my apartment was burglarized. People and cats are safe. My roommate came home around 6:00 PM and the whole place was tossed. We had computers and jewelry stolen. I've lost family heirlooms given to me by beloved departed family. We didn't have renters insurance, fixed that ASAP. Also, my computers stolen were both apple so they are locked down and reported missing. Glorified paperweights for the asshole thieves. I'm sad and angry.

Monday, October 14, 2019

What a Tuesday

Tuesday morning, I had hit snooze a couple of times. As usual, Phil decided to meow up a storm and hop on my torso to wake me up. It is normally quite cute. He starts licking my chin, lips, and nose. If I don’t stir, then I get a play chomp on my nose. But Tuesday was different. That morning when Phil hopped on my torso, I got a huge whiff of feces. I picked him up and turned him around and yup butt fur matted with poop. Poop on my duvet cover.

I wound up getting him into the bathroom.  I got the surface stuff off with toilet paper first and I showed him the soiled paper to show him, “See? I need to clean you,” He smelled it , made a face and I think he understood.  I had to hose him down in the tub to rinse things off. He’s a Mainecoon so the wetness of water doesn’t bother him, it’s the sound of the faucet that does.  I have had to deal with worse diarrhea from him before so thank goodness after last time, I sat with my roommate and reasoned out what we needed to do better next time. Cut to Tuesday morning and the new handy bucket of cheap towels that helped me so much drying Phil and mopping up poop water.  I did all of this in my nightgown before 7:30 AM. I was sopping wet, bleeding from his scratches, and sweating. I told Phil that he did a good job and I’m sorry that he’s damp.

The funny thing is, I did all of this cleaning and craziness without swearing or yelling at all. I knew it was an accident and a hassle. Getting pissed would have just freaked Phil out and made things worse. My dad would have been hopping mad and swearing up a storm. I talked to him while I sipped my morning coffee. Some of things I learned from my dad are so helpful and other things can be limiting or unhealthy.  I’m glad I got my emergency response programming from my mom! 

Wednesday, September 04, 2019

Really Great Vacation!

I took two days before Labor Day weekend off from work. In those two days, I had my new Tempur Pedic mattress delivered, rested, relaxed, and rewatched Avengers: Endgame.  The movie is great and makes a lot more sense on rewatch. There is a lot of emotional baggage for me because it was the first movie I went to after my dad died. I basically sat in the movie theater weeping throughout most of it. Second time around, some misty moments but a lot more together. The new mattress took a couple days to get used to. I had been sleeping on a mushy sagging Bobopedic for two years so actually having my neck and spine supported felt strange. I just woke up with sore pressure points but that resolved over time.
Saturday, my roommate, brother, and I headed out to Nantasket beach. I wasted a lot of mental energy planning, thinking up what ifs, and worrying beforehand. It was bonkers. What if we won’t be able to find parking? What if my new car can’t handle three people plus beach gear driving to Hull? What if high tide takes up so much beach, there is nowhere to sit. The weather forecast looked too cool. My brother and I had some miscommunications about timing which stressed me out. But guess what? Everything worked out fine. We found parking, got a beach spot, and had a ton of fun. I can’t really lie out with my skin tone so I tried to be in the water as much as possible. The waves were pounding in and I got to shoulder deep water. During beach breaks I reapplied sunscreen stayed under a hat and coverup. Once dry and hot enough, back to the sea! My favorite game is diving under when a huge wave crashed over and resurfacing somewhere. We listened to Sirius yacht rock to and from – which made the trip exponentially more fun.  When we got home, I only had burns in random areas that were missed by swipes of sunscreen.  My poor brother’s face was tomato red and my roommate’s upper back was purple emitting enough heat to cook an egg.
Overall, this was a perfect vacation for where I’m at. Maybe next year I’ll take a whole week!

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Farewell Childhood Home

This has been sitting in drafts for a while...

My childhood home's sale was closed today [July 31].  My parents lived together there for forty-four years. My dad lived there longer (with his first wife). It was a center entrance colonial built in the 1920's. The plans are to tear it down in September and build another soulless McMansion. Upside - my mom will have a nice retirement cushion.

Last night [July 30], we had a toast and farewell to the house telling stories and saying goodbye to rooms. The house changed a lot over the years. The study was an enclosed porch when I was little and we didn't have a second bedroom until I had moved out in my twenties. Part of the basement was my mom's pottery studio back in the 80's. We have four family cats buried in the backyard. Our first cat Miklos who got hit by a car the froze to death, KC got hit by a car as well, Max just died from old age (17), and Rasputin who died from cancer. We were all in tears at different points. It feels like mourning dad's death all over again plus this un-mooring in my life. I always had that house as a back-up if things went bad. My mom's place doesn't allow cats so I'll be fucked.


Thursday, July 25, 2019

Donald Trump’s Birth Chart



COMMENTS IN RED 




Donald Trump born Jun 14, 1946 10:54 AM Queens, NY

Sun in Gemini
The sun in Gemini people are fun-loving and ready for action. They love meeting
new adventures and doing something different.
Positive keywords
 for Sun in Gemini:
entertaining, magnetic, social, optimistic, charming, and humorous
Negative keywords for Sun in Gemini: restless, hyperactive, flighty, forgetful,
and apathetic

MAYBE?

Virgo Ascendant/Rising
People with Virgo rising are often a little understated in their persona
mannerisms and appearance. Generally, there is an intelligent and
 
reserved aura about Virgo rising individuals that is unmistakable. These
 
are actually somewhat shy people who need time to analyze things
around them before they warm up to both situations and people. This
quality can be received exactly as that, or it can be received as a rather
stand-offish, cool, and even critical manner (depending on the audience).

One of the biggest personality traits of this position is body-awareness.
 
People with Virgo ascendants are sensitive to any discomfort or other signals
 
their body gives them. Many are especially interested and concerned with
 
physical health, and some are attracted to mind-body awareness exercises
 
such as yoga. Virgo rising people are often rather particular about food. Although
some have good appetites, there can be an
unmistakable pickiness about what they put in and on their bodies.

Virgo ascendant natives have a tendency to worry a lot, especially when
confronted
with new situations. They notice the tiniest details that others overlook.
Many people with this position have a tendency to attract (or be attracted to)
people who need help. Their relationships may be confusing as a result. Despite
 the

Virgo rising tendency to appear rather collected and professional, relationships
 can sometimes be messy simply because these natives don’t
 always see their partners and partnerships clearly.
There’s a quiet charm to many Virgo rising people. Once they have the chance to
 warm up to new people and situations, you’ll find they have a lot to offer.
 They’ll help you out of a jam, go out on a limb for you, and surprise you
 with a natural modesty under a somewhat critical and standoffish manner.
THIS IS SO NOT TRUMP, IT’S FUNNY

Jupiter in 2nd House
With Jupiter in the Second House you will find luck, ease of working and
 general good fortune coming through successful and hugely profitable business
 ventures that increase personal wealth and property. This placing of Jupiter increases the chances for personal success, fortune and general prosperity. It inclines to government and responsible business affairs and tends to bring gain through law, insurance, banking, religion, science, education, literature and travel. You should attract success, wealth and a luxurious life style but there is an obligation to use such wealth in a positive and socially beneficent manner - through good business ability, sound investment, prudent spending and generosity.

PRETTY ACCURATE, BUT NOT 100%
Neptune in 2nd House
Neptune in the 2nd house is one of the most difficult combinations in terms of the physical and spiritual world. As most astrology interpretations state this position does not mean they will “suffer” from misfortune and never materialize money. It’s just that it is difficult to combine a ’fixed’ earth house with a planet that is the least attached to personal possessions.
Neptune lacks the ability to sustain itself in the material world and is the least worldly of all the planets. The 2nd house rules our personal finances, income, self-worth and the capacity to sustain ourselves, and it also rules our talents and abilities.
Wherever Neptune is found in the chart is where we identify with the victim/Savior archetype and it is also the place where we "drown". Neptune’s house is where we feel our most compassionate and sensitive, and it’s where we long to escape from the mundane responsibilities of life.
Neptune in the 2nd house may signify impracticality, confusion and chaos around resources. It may also represent the fantasy and longing for money so that this person can live out their dreams. Those with Neptune placed here do have to be careful of get rich quick schemes and being deceived by people who promise them the "earth" and an “easy way out” of their money troubles.
Those with Neptune in the 2nd house could find it difficult to see clearly the “reality” of a financial situation. A lack of discrimination and overly-compassionate approach to the material realm, often means there is difficulty in saying “no” to those who ask for help financially. These people can give-up everything they own, believing that money and resources will bring emotional closeness.
When Neptune is placed here it sometimes indicates sympathy for those less fortunate or unable to cope with the practical side of life. Neptune’s compassion may allow someone else to drain their own resources or Neptune in the 2nd house may heavily depend on the financial resources of others, and sometimes Neptune’s house placement represents the part of life where we feel we are the most dependent and "helpless". Wherever Neptune is in the chart it signifies where we can feel our most dissatisfied.
Many of these individuals are born with a kind of non-attachment attitude which often unconsciously contributes to financial difficulties. Neptunians can also be left confused about why money is lost, misplaced, or even deceptively used by others. The task for Neptune in the 2nd house is to feel that true sense of autonomy within and feel sustained by imaginative and “non-material” resources and pay attention to their material world without becoming its victim.
WOAH SOME OF THIS SOUNDS SCARY ACCURATE!

Moon in Fourth House
When the Moon is located in the 4th house of a natal chart, its position is considered a very fortunate one. 
This natal placement denotes a sensitive, nourishing and emotional mother that gives a lot of care and tenderness to the native. She has a strong Cancer/Moon emphasis in her chart, great abilities of cooking, raising her children and housekeeping. This type of mother will usually breastfeed her child longer than others and will continue cooking for the native even when he becomes an adult. There is a strong emotional bond between them, which continues as long as they are both alive. The native’s childhood was very secure, and he felt protected and safe in his mother’s hugs. During his very early years, the individual with such a Moon position was constantly keeping in his mother’s hugs; and such a close physical contact could continue even later. The native receives many caresses, tenderness, and love; he thus develops a sentimental world of big capacity, which follows him during the rest of his life.
Both the native and his mother have a strong urge of living near the sea, a lake, a river or some other source of water. If the Moon is positioned in a water sign, this urge is even stronger and the native will not find content unless he fulfills this dream. Water brings much comfort to his private life, acts as a source of inspiration and provides a lot of energy which will be used for the family affairs and everyday home routines.
The Moon in the 4th house makes family and home a big priority in the chart holder’s life. Having a family brings him emotional stability, and there is no way that such a native does not create one. Even if “malefics” in the 7th house prevent him from getting married, he will create something that will be structured as a family through some other ways. The native will copy his mothers’ archetypal behavior and will also develop his cooking talents, while will also be fond of housekeeping. Nevertheless, the Moon does not provide a very stable residence; he and his family will be frequently moving and changing houses.
People with their Moon in the 4th house feel very sentimental about their roots and ancestors. Their memories are a very important part of their personality, and they will frequently feel nostalgic towards their past. Such kind of natives are prone to collecting photographs and categorizing them in albums, as well as keeping a lot of objects that remind them of people and situations. Usually, there exists some family heirloom which they keep with great respect and will pass to their offspring. This heirloom can often be made of silver, or belong to the female ancestors, thus also passing to the female children of the line. There is a general attachment to the traditions coming from the family and/or the birthplace, such as the religion or the culture. Such kind of people will always take part in traditional events of their homeland, especially in food festivals and all which involve cooking. In addition, they keep their own recipes; this placement gives the pattern of having a grandmother and a mother that pass some very old recipes to the native. The person with Moon in the 4th house might be very attached emotionally to some special types of food that were cooked for him!
People with the Moon in the 4th house do not indulge in casual relationships. They prefer stable and nurturing bonds, and will stick with a partner for long if the emotional needs are fulfilled. If the native is a man, the type of woman he is searching for getting into a relationship can be literally a copy of his mother. Men with such a strong placement of the Moon can be considered unmasculine,. This placement simply brings heavy drinking of feminine energy from their mother, which can manifest through them afterward, even in their movements and in their way of speaking. And this is quite natural; we all tend to copy the moves and speech of people whom we hang out with. So, just imagine how much we can be affected by someone who is present during our whole life and for whom we feel such a strong emotional bond!
EW NO, NOT AT ALL. HE MUST HAVE HATED HIS MOM?
Sun in Tenth House
With the Sun placed in the house of career, this life area will be heavily emphasized in the native’s reality. The natal Sun in the 10th house is considered to be one of the best Sun placements, and in special occasions can bring fame, glory and great success.
This Sun placement indicates a successful and dominating father, who becomes a role model for the native while he is a child. The father is frequently a public figure or somehow have authority, and the child observes him being respected by other people. This admiration sets similar goals for the native when he grows up; he has the urge to experience the same attitude from the world towards him, and will strive to create himself a successful career. His self-confidence is strongly connected with how other people view him, and he will put his job as a first priority in his life. The native’s aim will not only be to establish a good career; his job is more of a stepping stone towards becoming a paradigm for the community. It is the acceptance from masses that he desires the most.
A native with the Sun in the 10th house will enjoy public speaking, and generally appearing in front of other people. He has good leadership abilities, and this natal placement can make someone a strong politician or spokesperson. He likes to be the boss, and the Sun is definitely inflating his ego. If the Sun is adversely aspected, the selfishness and egoism that develops will frequently make the person fall from his position, while also can indicate scandals and public disgrace. With good aspects, the good fame is maintained during his life.
The Sun in the 10th house can also create actors, then might indicate fame. A definite treat that it gives is the ambition to climb up the professional ladder, and the native will adjust himself to some image that will help him get accepted. The Sun here will make him invest in clothes and other things that will help his image shine more.
The native should be rather careful not to start identifying his own self with the image that he shows towards the others. In such situations, his personal life can get in trouble and his dear people get estranged, because he will be imposing his career image towards them. This image will be quite different from what they are used to see in him, and they might feel he is a totally different person, sometimes judging him for being fake. Indeed, if the native has some planets in the 4th house, there might occur oppositions with his natal Sun in the 10th house, creating dilemmas and tensions between his profession and his family.
When a native has this placement, his career might be structured with the help of his father. This natal aspect is typical for people who receive a ready job with already existing clients, and thus will frequently make a native become an advocate, a doctor or anything that can grant a list of clients from his father. In addition, it can bring clients from other strong authority figures; the native will have friends who are in power positions and will constantly recommend him to their surroundings.
Generally, when a person has his Sun in the 10th house, he will not like working for some other employers. He wants to hold his fate in his hands, and very seldom would someone with such an aspect agree to do a job as a simple employee. Nevertheless, such people are usually offspring of rich families and there will be no strong need to work in order to survive. The person with this Sun placement will take his time to study and to become strong enough before entering the job world.
PRETTY SPOT ON!

Uranus in Tenth House
Natal Uranus in the 10th house may strongly influence the native’s career choices, making them very picky about what they do in their life for a living. This eradicates the risk of working in jobs that they do not like, and can eventually lead to doing a dream job. Or more precisely, creating it on their own.
The erratic nature of the planet is making the native feel uncomfortable in orthodox types of careers, which involve routine. For such people, a perfect job is something non-monotonous that can offer very strong mental stimulation. As Uranus is responsible for everything connected with technology, internet jobs are one of the best solutions so that the individual prospers.
Such people dislike authority and will not submit easily to employers; thus a freelancer career and being self-employed is more suitable as it can grant freedom of movement. In case that the native has to work under the instructions of an employer, Uranus will definitely rebel in some moment; this will most certainly lead to quitting the job in a quite unpredictable manner. Indeed, the 10th house individual may be very hasty in such decisions; he will even quit the exact moment that this idea appears in his mind. An adversely aspected Uranus can lead to long periods of unemployment or quick small jobs, as the native has a deeply buried repulsion towards applying for interviews.
In addition, Uranus in the 10th house can bring sudden genius insights and make a person an inventor. He can literally invent his own career, even if it is not connected with electronics or technology. Uranus can make an idea suddenly appear in his mind, and dictate him to follow an occupation that is rather pioneering, unique or even weird. In any case, Uranus will bring quite a lot of changes in career direction, many parallel projects and alternative collaborations with eccentric people.
As the 10th house also rules the individual’s stronger parental figure (usually the father), this parent may have been himself of a weird nature. The native as a child observes the parent having a rather different approach towards work than the rest of the world, and copies this pattern to reproduce it later in his life. The father may be an Aquarius or somehow have Uranus prominently emphasized in his natal chart. He usually dislikes social climbing to authority positions, may be an altruist or a revolutionary and these traits inspire the young native, who will also become a nonconformist while choosing a career.
Uranus rules unexpected events, and when located in the 10th house can bring sudden publicity, even if it is unwanted by the native. Usually, this happens due to some unique characteristic of the individual or his actions, and he will appear in the news or be known by the society for being an extreme paradigm. His life and career can be very interesting for other people to know, and any information about the native will be presented under the label “believe it or not”. If Uranus is adversely aspected, the publicity may bring difficulties to the person. He might feel that people make fun of his uniqueness and mock him, while also be a part of a scandal. The mass will gossip about him and he will feel pressured and uncomfortable while in the center of attention. On the other hand, public opinion is not really something he is concerned about, so any negative effects will pass soon.
During some positive transit of a planet to the native’s natal Uranus, his career can take off like an airplane and reach great heights that he would only dream of. Beware though, Uranus acts the same unpredictably in the opposite way too. A hard transit might even make a business empire crumble to ashes. Of course, one of the good traits that a tenth house Uranus offers is an indifference to failures (well, victories too). The native will gather the ashes and will be reborn as a phoenix eventually, provided that he still cares to create a new career and not just indulge in living. Because indeed, such people care a lot more about life itself than self-defining through what they do as a job. In extreme cases, especially when the wealth houses provide the native means to live, he may even consciously choose to not work at all.
HA HA HA! DOES THIS EXPLAIN THE LAST THREE YEARS?
Mercury in Eleventh House
Mercury is the planet of intellect, communication, and mental abilities. Being in the 11th house of a natal chart, it strengthens whatever has to do with group interactions, mental companionship, and friendships. In this placement, the native is naturally curious about the structures and functions of groups; this usually leads them to become part of such. The person with such a placement is strongly attracted to community affairs, being frequently a member of cultural organizations.
This lifelong curiosity of discovering human intelligence brings a lot of friends, who frequently come and go as Mercury is a fast moving planet. A lot of pleasure and joy comes through one’s friends, especially if Mercury in the 11th house is strengthened by Venus in conjunction. There is a high possibility of having the Sun in the same house too, because the Sun, Mercury, and Venus are always traveling close one to each other on the celestial trail of the ecliptic. In such an occasion, the native‘s life is illuminated by his friends, and they become an important priority or even his life’s basic factor of stability.
The 11th house Mercurian personality can identify his goals and choose the correct partners to work with. He always tends to join projects that involve more than one person, where collective brainstorming can make the outcome much better than strictly personal work. Teamwork brings pleasure and the anonymity of a group helps his ideas flourish better. In case that Mercury is in a double sign like Gemini or Pisces, the native runs more than one project simultaneously, giving a brilliant mind for parallel thinking.
When Mercury in the 11th house is adversely afflicted, his numerous friends can be chatty, and their loyalty might be under question. This is quite natural to happen because the amounts of acquaintances and friends can be much bigger than for an average person, and the chart owner pays little attention towards discriminating who of them are quality and who should be avoided. He rather views the mass as a whole, accepting the fact that superficial and dishonest people are naturally part of the mass too. In case that there are very difficult squares with Mars, Uranus or Pluto, the pattern of betrayal by friends is often to be observed. This by no means indicates that the native with Mercury in the 11th house should stop opening himself towards groups; however, more attention should be given to whom he chooses as the closest persons to him.
Mercury in the 11th house makes the native care a lot about how he appears in other people’s eyes, even though they seem not to be so concerned about their real conditions. This does not happen due to some subconscious need to show off, but rather in the need to blend harmonically with the group and not feel that the eyes are turned towards them due to differences. The 11th house is also responsible for wealth, as are the 2nd and 8th houses. The difference with the other two houses is that the 11th one does not refer to earned money from everyday activities, nor to joint recourses of other people that the native handles. When we speak about the wealth of the 11th house, it is about the big money, the permanent rise that comes once, the luck that will change the person’s life forever. 11th house wealth is activated less frequently, as it is mostly triggered by external situations and not by some conscious efforts from the native. There has to be a connection between the planets involved in the 11th house, and the ruler planets or/and signs that occupy the 2nd or 8th house, in order for such a wealth rainfall to happen. Mercury here is a positive placement, allowing the native to unexpectedly prosper through publishing or public speech in general. In case of adverse aspects to Mercury, he should be careful of contracts and other legal issues which might cause problems between him and the group.
Mercury in the 11th house is a great position for people involved in jobs that have to do with recurring patterns. This would create a great journalist, an image-maker, and whatever involves describing and creating new trends. Mercury pays attention to the details, even if this can mislead into looking at the tree and not the forest. The ability to store and compare behavioral patterns gives great ability to follow sociological, ethnological or even historical sciences. Indeed, such type of minds not only can understand a lot better the whole picture of a stereotype but can also accurately research beyond its surface. If Mercury is exalted, a scientific career in such a field would be the best professional choice.
The one thing a native with Mercury in the 11th house should be very careful of is his tendency towards gossip. Of course, talking about others is a natural means of communication, especially if it is done kind-heartedly, and that is what most of such people feel. Their natural curiosity is making big amounts of information about other people available for them, and it is logical that some of the details are either private or not to be shared with the mass. One should be very careful of not violating the general rule of keeping his nose away from other people’s business because this can, of course, comes back to him. Search for square and oppositions to Mercury in your chart, to see from which houses they are cast by other planets; those would be the areas of life that you should be more careful with sensitive information. In case that Mercury is very close to the 12th house cusp, a native has increased possibility of having access to secret information that can become even dangerous if revealed. Do not forget that the 12th house is the house of secret enemies, and especially its cusp is a very potent point of the personal chart. If your Mercury is placed there, handle your information carefully. Not only for the sake of the other person but mostly for your own safety and well-being.
SOME THINGS CHECK OUT
Venus in Eleventh House
With natal Venus in the 11th house, the chart owner receives quite a lot of blessings from the planet concerning his social activities and friends. This placement is wonderful for giving and taking love and affection from various groups of people, makes the native highly liked and even the heart of a company.
Venus in the 11th house will bring quite a large amount of friends and acquaintances and the person with such an aspect is an extrovert and very outgoing. All group activities flow in a harmonious way, giving him a lot of pleasure and making him be the center of attention. Venus in this house indicates flirting through groups of people, which will often also bring lovers who were previously friends
An 11th house Venus will give to the native friends of an artistic nature, many of them being musicians or other types of performers. In addition, this also signifies friends that work with beauty products; beauty and fashion even become a central theme of conversations that can blend the group itself.
Due to the fact that the 11th house is opposing the 5th one, which rules love affairs, an individual with such an aspect will frequently prefer his friends over his lovers. In case there are some malefic planets in the fifth house directly opposing natal Venus, this placement can make various problems arise between the native’s friends and relationships. His lovers will usually be upset by the amount of time he dedicates to other people, and will frequently feel abandoned. This can lead to hostile actions towards his friends, especially if the planet placed in the fifth house is Mars or Pluto.
Venus placed in the house of group activity can greatly aid in all matters concerning organizations. The native with Venus in the 11th house will probably belong to at least one social community or club, and will be considered a vital part of it. Venus alone does not bring leadership, yet this can also happen if it is supported by Jupiter, Pluto or Mars. Usually, the native dedicates his attention to spending his time well through such organizations and does not have any particular inner need of receiving an authority position.
An adversely aspected Venus is making the individual rather careless with the friends he chooses, as he rushes to embrace all the people he meets as acquaintances. If Venus is ill-aspected by Mars or Pluto, problems can arise in those groups due to erotic reasons. The native may create awkward situations by dating people from the same group, which of course will have a rather turbulent effect. Nevertheless, the natural politeness of planet Venus will resolve such issues sooner or later.
The 11th house also refers to help received from friends, and Venus in the 11th house will definitely bring a lot of it. Many of the friends may be quite wealthy and will provide the native with all the necessary aid. In case that Venus is very positively aspected, especially by Uranus or Jupiter, the native can become very rich through a friend. The friend may want to share his wealth with the native, or somehow find some way so that the individual reaches financial prosperity.
In a man’s chart, such a natal position of Venus indicates a lot of female friends and very good relations towards the opposite gender. As the 11th house is traditionally ruled by Aquarius and Uranus, planet Venus is receiving rather alternative vibes and becomes quite altruistic and eccentric. The native’s affection may be of a “multitask” nature, as he is able to channel feelings of love to more than one person simultaneously. As a natural outcome, such people are more likely to experience romantic affairs with more than one person at the same time, and can even give tendencies of polyamorism and other forms of liberal affairs.
EPSTEIN, PORN STARS & MULTIPLE WIVES
Saturn in Eleventh House
An individual with his natal Saturn in the 11th house will be very careful and serious about his friendships. The barrier the planet imposes may sometimes alienate him from groups and companies; nevertheless, it can also act as a great filter for making the best choices concerning his friendships. 
 As many other astrological houses that are above the horizon, the 11th house is a rather good placement for one’s natal Saturn. 
In case that Saturn is well-aspected, the planet will actually manifest as a benefic planet, building long-lasting relationships with friends and groups that are becoming even better when they mature. Saturn’s good side indicates stability and support, and the native’s eleventh house will eventually become a basis on which he can always find shelter and safe-haven through difficulties.
Saturn can bring quite a lot of friends who are of an older nature than the chart owner. This usually indicates a wonderful relationship with one (or more) grandparents, which the individual was considering as real friends during his childhood. This pattern continues during his whole life, as he has learned to communicate on a higher level with older people. They perceive the native as one of them, even if he is still lacking in experience. Indeed, he can frequently follow a lot of the elders’ traits, and many times find through them shortcuts to wisdom that another person would need years to reach.
On the other hand, an adversely aspected Saturn can bring quite a lot of loneliness. The native may not trust his friends and generally abstain from group gatherings, while also have an automatic disdain towards being a member of organizations. He will like his loneliness and find comfort in it; large groups of people suffocate him and he builds an inner barrier towards such kind of events. Difficult aspects with Mars or Pluto may indicate traumas concerning friends in his childhood, which probably made the individual feel as a social outcast. Alternatively, he may have been pressured a lot by friends and feels that a friendship requires a lot of responsibilities; this may lead him to spend a lot of time on his own.
A person with Saturn in the 11th house does not open his gates easily to strangers. He prefers to hang out with people he has already trusted for a long time, and who have proven to be real friends. This characteristic may even lead to rejecting new acquaintances, which can be rather unfair if exercised towards everyone without even giving a chance.
When being a part of a group, such an individual will always preserve his individual traits and will never blend totally. Even in social circles that function with balance he prefers to be a lone wolf placed at the borders of the group than to lose his identity in the collective soul.
The 11th house rules goals and dreams, while also is the hidden house responsible for large wealth. Saturn placed in the 11th house does not necessarily mean failures in these matters; but definitely will delay them until the second part of one’s life. Of course, the aspects to natal Saturn have a very strong influence and adverse ones may make such achievements a quite difficult battle. Nevertheless, a well-aspected Saturn can bring a lot of fortune during the native’s old age, which can be also connected to good karma worked out through giving care and attention to old people. One could say that the grandfather’s blessings to the grandson will come into action at the right moment, and even grant a very pleasant last part of life to the individual.
Natal Saturn in the 11th house is probably the best placement for planning and organizing of a group of people. Saturn grants a strategic mind, being able to understand thoroughly the way a group is structured and how to choose correct patterns for building it. The native views groups as an architect would view a building to be constructed. A small disadvantage would be that such a native will be rather slow in developing the structure of the system, nevertheless this would enhance its stability and it would last longer. Curiously enough, the native himself would not like to be a part of it, even if he was the major contributor in its creation!
If you have Saturn in the 11th house, enhance it as much as you can through caring of the elder people around you. By giving love to people that most others forget, you can brighten up their lives and make their final stage a lot more pleasant. In return, Saturn will not forget about you- his gifts may take some time to come but are also long lasting.
SO THIS IS WHY THE WALL IS HIS THING
Mars in Twelfth House
Natal Mars in the 12th house can be a rather disturbing or even dangerous placement, as its presence here indicates difficulties in expressing one’s anger and aggressive emotions. This can have as a result violent explosions when the oppressed energy reaches a critical level, and people with such an aspect must definitely learn techniques of anger-management.
A twelfth house Mars indicates that the native can have been bullied as a child, or even be a victim of physical attacks. Even if this did not actually happen, the nature of the 12th house can have brought to the individual a lot of fears concerning physical violence. As a child, he may have been frequently afraid of being beaten by other children or even his parents. This placement can create traumas or even make the native feel like a coward. These fears of being bullied without being able to properly retaliate build a pattern of preferring to flee rather than fight, mostly due to insecurities related to the outcome of the fight. The native is afraid of being defeated and will often avoid conflicts even with a less powerful opponent, just to be sure that he will not lose.
Also, during the childhood years, expressing anger was being kind of forbidden. The native’s parents and other people surrounding him were not tolerating powerful outbursts of the child, which in turn was leading him to have introversive implosions rather than a healthy direction of possible negative emotions. Holding those feelings inside definitely brings feelings of restlessness, and such repressing tendencies either make him burst when anger reaches a threshold or (in more difficult situations) bring a lot of self-undoing and auto-destructive actions.
A badly aspected Mars shows that he has no firm control of his energy and violent emotions, and thus he can even cause conscious malice to others when his wrath or hatred go beyond control. A person with natal Mars in the 12th house is strongly advised to strengthen its function, and the best way is by indulging into an active life. Sports, martial arts and all activities that empower the body can heal the native’s self-confidence, providing to Mars the necessary energy, and especially the necessary channels for it to flow outwards. In addition, such a native should battle his fears of anger expression and allow such outbursts. Even the fact of de-demonizing them will have a positive effect, as he will no longer struggle by burying such emotions deep in his psyche. 
In some situations, the newborn individual may have experienced pain during childbirth. This can, in turn, make him feel that the world outside of his mother’s womb is violent and threatening. If Mars is adversely aspected, the individual can develop fears and paranoia concerning war and mass calamities. Indeed, Mars in the 12th house is not the best placement for such events, especially if it is located near the Ascendant. A twelfth house Mars person should try to keep away from guns, wars, demonstrations and sharp machinery, as there are quite a lot of possibilities to have an accident.
Mars in the 12th house can indeed bring hidden enemies, especially males. But what is more frequent to happen is phobias about having hidden enemies, even if they do not exist. Actually, the appearance of some real enemies among friends will make the native cautious in his approach, always searching for hidden behaviors in other people near him. Being backstabbed in the past makes him want to prevent that to happen again, so he will often even become paranoiac, imagining hidden tactics in other people’s movements. In addition, his alert makes him always ready to strike first, and there are quite a lot of possibilities that he will accidentally hurt someone just because of fear of being hurt.
As the 12th house is connected with social institutions, the native may have some involvement with prisons, hospitals or monasteries. If Mars has positive aspects, the native may gain quite a lot of experience from working on such projects in institutions of restriction. On the other hand, difficult aspects can indicate bad luck with those, so a native is firmly advised to keep far from any criminal activity as it may bring a legal trouble and possibilities of imprisonment. Seriously, with a 12th house Mars, the risks of getting caught are quite big, as also the chances of betrayal from a friend who is a snitch. Stay clear of
 anything illegal.

21 RAPE ACCUSATIONS

Pluto in Twelfth House
With natal Pluto in the 12th house, the chart owner will definitely experience
 a very intense life. This placement is a rather complex one and is not the easiest one to “own” positively. On the other hand, the transformation that it grants may evolve the native to a totally conscious human being with deep wisdom concerning life, death, and existence.

Pluto usually signifies a trauma connected with the house where it is placed in,
and when in the 12th house, it can indicate quite a lot of issues
concerning the native’s subconscious. The twelfth house represents the last
hours before birth, and Pluto’s presence may show a near-death
experience of the infant native. There might be a lot of difficulties
during labor, and the child might feel a lot of pain both before and during birth.

As the 12th house also rules secrets and hidden things, the individual with such
a placement is strongly drawn towards them. He might be extremely curious in
possessing answers for his questions and can become an exquisite researcher
or investigator. People with such an aspect will literally drink information to
 satisfy their curiosity, but will rarely speak themselves about their own secrets.

And they might have a lot of them, especially connected with their sexuality.
Pluto represents a quite raw, aggressive and obsessive part of the human
sexuality; when placed in the twelfth house, it can bring a lot of sexual 
fantasies, especially of a violent nature. If Pluto is adversely aspected, the
native may have experienced sexual assault or even rape, which he usually will
try to hide from everyone.

Of course, in case that you have Pluto in the 12th house, the best way to
handle such raw energies is to symbolically bring them to life with your
significant other or a person you trust. In addition, an individual can develop
strong masochistic tendencies if Pluto is adversely aspected by Saturn or Mars.
 Such aspects can be connected with deep psychological wounds from the
 childhood, and in case they are present in a natal chart the individual is advised 
 to speak to a psychologist.

As the 12th house can even have an influence on one’s body (especially if a planet is near the Ascendant), Pluto in the 12th house can even become
physically dangerous. The 12th house is an open gate, and an ill-aspected
 Pluto can indicate becoming a victim of black magic, and generally having
 powerful enemies. If you have such a placement, keep in mind that 12th house
 enemies are usually hidden from our eyes; the best way to understand a 
 Plutonian enemy is to see who has a rather obsessive behavior towards us and
 reasons for being jealous and controlling. On the other hand, a well aspected
 Pluto here acts as a strong shield, which not only protects from hidden enemies
 but can also return them any attempts of causing malice.

The 12th house rules all types of restriction, whether it is in an institution or in
one’s own mind. Pluto in the 12th house can bring intense isolation from the
rest of the world, especially when a slow-moving planet is forming a transiting

aspect towards Pluto. During such periods, the native’s psychic ability is being
strengthened, and he can understand a lot of the mind’s functions.
The natal chart owner has abilities of re-programming his subconscious, and Pluto here will definitely bring transformative experiences – usually concerning healing from traumas. The effects of such a healing will be permanent, yet the slow pace of Pluto indicates that a lot of time must be dedicated in order to fight
one’s own demons. The native will also have tendencies of repressing anger, rage, and wrath deep inside him. This placement indicates a lack of healthy

externalization of these powers. Many times people with such placement will prefer to hide their real emotions; both due to fear of hurting others and of fearing
to lose control. With this placement, an individual is obliged to find healthy ways to release such feelings. If he does not find, the Plutonian energy can erupt unexpectedly and very self-destructively.

In any case, Pluto in the 12th house may be one of the most difficult ones to
handle. The dark traits of Pluto can even be hidden in the core of one’s
existence, so tightly bonding with the general life perception that the only way

is accepting them. The native with such a natal placement should invest a lot of 
effort into understanding his own self, especially the dark sides of his life and 
character. When he will see the big picture, and realize that even his darkness 
is a result of underground subconscious currents, he will finally find ways to
 accept it and embrace it.

CRAZY VIOLENT AND PARANOID? NOT SURPRISED.