Clever, Classless, and Free

The funny thing is when you make a huge change in your life and you need everything else to stay the same, everything else never gets the memo. This is week five without Lamotrigine and people tell me that I am doing really well. On some days I believe them and on other days, I feel like I am crumbling inside. I didn't get my dream apartment and got wait listed for the BRA apartment I applied to. This weekend a realtor stood me up for the second time for an apartment viewing and then he basically told me on the phone it is a shit hole. I am meeting a potential room-mate tomorrow and I still have Taunton in my back pocket.

The reprieve from being homeless or losing my cats didn't turn off all the stress and anxiety I had been feeling like a light switch. For a while I was barely getting four hours of sleep. When I wasn't sleeping, I was trolling Craigslist for places to live or looking at my two cats thinking, "If I gave them away, life would be so much easier." which made me feel so horrible and guilty for even allowing the thought to happen so I'd cry and hug them.

I can usually handle stress but my body kinda broke from all of it. This past week I went from "Must have eaten something bad." to "I wonder where the appendix is? to "I can't eat that, I need to leave the house." I had two vacation days scheduled Thursday and Friday in the Berkshires but I had to come home early Friday to see my doctor. She had my blood tested in case of infection. Her theory is that I need sleep and I need to decrease my stress levels. To that end, she wrote a letter saying that I should be allowed to keep my cats since they are therapeutic. I'm also taking 3mg of Melatonin this weekend at least. I am feeling a bit better today and I am looking forward to work tomorrow!

Unfortunately, I left work before my vacation on a sour note. I worked on a new report for over an hour and when I paused to give it a sanity check review, things didn't look right. At 5:30 Wednesday I found out I did the report completely wrong. Luckily, it didn't have a deadline and was something that would be helpful for me to do. Since "helpful" is my Pavlovian bell I went all out and I enjoyed working on it like any true data nerd. I wound up getting upset that I wasted my time and produced crap in front of Super Boss. He thought I was upset with him so I tried to explain that it was my own fault and I should have asked more questions before attempting the report. I kind of can't wait until we get more analysts in our group because it's a bit exhausting and weirdly co-dependent with just the two of us. Baby Analyst hasn't been sucked into this mood miasma which makes her an awesome breath of fresh air to talk to. Work tomorrow should be interesting since Super Boss had to tackle a couple weird situations that usually wind up on my plate. I expect to hear "I don't know how you do it." and/or "Thank goodness you're back."

I also want to write about my two cats. This is Rasputin. He is an eight year old purebred Mainecoon. I got him from a breeder as a gift for myself after getting my MBA. He is very talkative and a big snuggler. As you can see from the picture he tries to sleep on my shoulder at night but I am a restless sleeper so I usually find him curled up against my back when I wake up. He has been pretty healthy with one UTI a couple years ago and a heart murmur - which is common in Mainecoons. He is also a great traveller. He's my baby boy and a complete clown furball.

This is Stella. She is an eleven year old tortoiseshell. I adopted her in 2011 from the Quincy Animal Shelter. The first several months were very difficult with her. She hissed, growled, didn't like being petted, and didn't get along with Rasputin. In my head I had imagined two cats licking each other or curled up purring sleeping on each other. That didn't happen. Getting her to the vet cost me a liter of blood every time. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012. After surgery, she was a lot friendlier. She is always first to the door to greet people. She loves being petted now and sleeps next to me curled up purring. I think she was probably in pain when I got her and now she is healthy and has stability. She is also Head Butt Queen. I love this little lady!

Stare Into the Light

H

This past week has been awesome, exhausting, and horrible. In the end, I have been left humbled with gratitude.

Mood alert - I found a therapist who has a neurology background and has the nicest warm laugh. We have our first appointment September 15, my brother's birthday and the day after Rosh Hoshanah. This is week three without any Lamotrigine and it is pretty good. I think I have found my core inner resiliency that let's me feel sad and stress but somehow keeps me together. Work has been pretty busy and crazy. In fact, I wound up handling the craziest day better than Super Boss! I teased him about calling a co-worker incompetent, he hung his head, and admitted it was said in anger. I cherish these moments as examples of Super Boss being human. I also had a good run of asking good questions and making mistakes that turned into good learning opportunities. He also pointed out a "tell" I have. It's so funny, we spend so much time together we can read each other like a book.  We would be awesome as con artists. He was asking me if I needed help and it was 5:30 on a Friday and I hadn't sat at my desk for 30 minutes so I ran my hands through the hair at the top of my head and said "I'm fine." Which was a tell for him.

I used a comp day to take Wednesday off. It was muggy in the upper 80's so my mom, brother, and I went to Nantasket Beach. We were in Trader Joes grabbing lunch items when I got a phone call from my land lady's son who told me that:

1. The cat urine stink has permeated the house

2. I need to get rid of the cats by Sept. 1

3. Or I need to move

On my day off in the middle of the grocery store. I admit that the high humidity and heat helps no odors and the main scoop free litter box needed a replacement. I called the guy back asking if I hired cleaners could I stay. He started ranting about the stink and my brother had just visited last weekend saying how non-smelly the place was. So I asked bro to explain that to land lady's son. It was awkward and horrible. My brother announced that he had to hang up on him after asking, "Are you serious?" multiple times. My beach day was fun and also spoiled by the whirling panic from this situation. But I was able to talk out options with my mom and brother which calmed me down. It was my brother's first time at Nantasket and he loved it. It is seriously my favorite beach - friendly people, variety of ages and body types, plus really cool waves. I got home and there was a letter from land lady's son which said I had until October 1 to vacate if I didn't get rid of my cats.

I have been casually looking for new places to live so this just set a deadline. Plus, my family, friends and co-workers all really rallied to help me. That first night I cried just from gratitude that I have surrounded myself with such generous kind people. I stared at my ceiling and just sent thanks to the universe. So, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night I barely slept because I was trolling craigslist for apartments, imagining giving up one of my cats, and having racing brain.

Friday a high school friend tried to hook me up with a friend who is also looking for a place. This potential roomie sounded awesome. We totally hit it off but I was bringing 2 cats to her 1 which ultimately fizzled the potential team up. I really fell in love with the idea of a roommate and the money I'd save. Boo.

Today, I had an apartment viewing for a place that is a two bedroom. It's two because the one bedroom can only fit a full size bed. The second bedroom is for your dresser. Ugh! Then land lady's son showed up at my apartment telling me he is willing to work with me and not throw me out Oct. 1. So, I need to do a big cleaning for Sept. 1 inspection and then my rent will increase $125 Oct. 1. I was so relieved, I started crying. Land lady's son's wife talked him down from his tantrum apparently. Yeah, I am still looking for a place. Someplace convenient to the train under an hour to Boston and cat friendly. I think I will be able to sleep tonight.

How Data Can Save Sanity

My annual review at work is coming up next month.  This is my first annual review at this company. I did have a mid-year which went well.  A lot has happened since then so I'm worried how my accomplishments will be weighed against my ability to cope. I got dinged at my mid-year for being snippy.

Since I am an analyst and I need data, I decided to log every meltdown I've had since April on a calendar. The red dates are the meltdowns and the pink block is when I started reducing my crazy pills.  You know what?  This actually makes me feel so much better! I was getting caught up with the idea that I am being unprofessional.  Another thing that made me feel better is this article. 

I also want to point out four meltdowns since titrating off of Lamotrigine, only 1 occurring when I was completely off, is an actual accomplishment!  Of course, if I want to see how these line up with my cycle, that would be counterproductive and probably infuriating - ha!  

Sucking it Up Buttercup

Two weeks clean. I called three different doctors today to try to find a new therapist. Nothing panned out but one suggested that I try to get outpatient treatment from a hospital since my neuroanatomy is different, seeing someone who has more resources would be good. I have a feeling that I might make a good clinical paper so I'm sure shrinks will be beating a path to treat me!

Last week was pretty good. I had a couple days where I got fiercely protective of our analyst team. One day Baby Analyst got so frustrated about a process not working, she said, "I guess I am too dumb to follow step by step directions." That? Broke my freaking heart! Oh yeah sure, I say that to myself all the time but hearing Baby Analyst say it had me leaping into overprotective mom mode. I told her thinking that way sets her up for failure and she had done everything right, it was just the stupid program. Another day,we had our unit meeting where Super Boss had to admit he was falling really behind on a fiscal year process. He looked miserable, defeated, and small saying this. So our director proposed a way to break up the work between all of us. Super Boss got flustered saying that dividing it up would actually create more work for him. Then the director offered to run interference for us with other departments to create some room on our plates.

Literally the next morning I took him up on it. There is a clueless bint in our department who has wasted hours of our time asking us to create a report to help provide work for her intern. Work that doesn't even need to be done until 2016. I am unclear what unmet work need this intern is filling since there is no workload apparently. Super Boss and I had to revise this report multiple times and build queries. Guess what? We got a request for another revision. I know if Super Boss and I work on something together, it's stellar and yet this stupid report was not stellar. That was a red flag to me that we are worn too thin. So I raised the issue with the director.

Last Friday was seriously the pinnacle of my entire time at my workplace. For months, I have been cleaning up a billing process dating back years, at the same time designing a new process, and also drafting company wide communications. Last Friday was the big meeting between IT, my department, and the director. Every single thing I proposed was agreed upon! Even my design of an interface got a thumbs up from IT. The director joked, "Watch out, she's glowing." I was smiling that much. 

This week was a bit more challenging. The billing process I cleaned up over 5 months stopped working for a day, I wasted half a day troubleshooting with IT and I needed to get the bills out. I had a sense of humor about it in the beginning but after hours of un-enrolling people which didn't fix anything, then finding out I needed to re-enroll everyone pushed me to tears (on the phone). A fix was found and bills got out just a day late. Then there was a reconciliation that hasn't been done in two years. Super Boss and I picked August to be the month to delve into it back in June. We met and tried to develop a process to automate the reconciliation this week. The file is such a horrible mess, Super Boss got very frustrated, and I felt overwhelmed because we can't automate anything.  Basically we're checking the work of another department against an outside vendor. The other department is more than happy to tell us what to do and how to do it. Helping? Unheard of. Yet again this is a broken system going back years over thousands of records.

So I freaked the fuck out via email at Super Boss on my walk to South Station. I have no background in this discipline and was pissed that I was being saddled with so much. This other department has a job opening since I'm a mature woman, I emailed one sentence to Super Boss "Does X Coordinator Make More Than an HR Analyst?" Just savor that passive aggressiveness. This kicked off a back and forth about the kind of work I am being asked to do and whether it's appropriate and me pointing out that I can be an efficient good worker and also be so overworked I am close to breaking. All over email from my cell phone at South Station or on a train. I am even efficient in my breakdowns!

2 hours of crying and talking to my mom later, I realized something. I told Super Boss the realization this morning as we hashed things out face to face. I told him,"Here is my crazy. For the past five-ish months I have come into work terrified that you will give notice. So what have I done with that fear? I have done everything and have taken on more with a smile. I can't do this without you. But I can't keep taking on more work. I just don't want you to leave." 

He pointed out that I am making myself miserable and listed every single thing I am currently working on. We also talked about my long work hours and the fact that I have been canceling doctors' appointments which he was very stern about how work does not trump my health. I also kept apologizing for taking up so much of his time and he shut that down. He said that since he has manager in his title, part of his job is supervising employees and I am part of his job (cue an awkward joke from me) so if he doesn't have time, he'll tell me. It was a very good talk I cried a couple times and he looked incredibly upset at a couple points. I think he feels like he's failing as a manager if I'm upset. This is his first time managing. So I made sure to tell him that he's doing a great job and is the best boss I've had. I also thanked him for taking my concerns seriously and listening.

Basically, all my realizations about work/life balance from a couple months ago, I am re-realizing and need to recommit to. I am taking next Wednesday off and hopefully it will be a beach day.

Getting Better All the Time

This is exactly how I feel my first day without a milligram of Lamotrigine.  Technically, given the drug's half life, I still have 6 milligrams fucking up glutamate in my brain but I didn't take a pill this morning which is what counts.  I also worked today!

We had two sessions of testing and I volunteered to help the staffing department.  I get a comp day out of this which will mean another beach day for me.  The morning session was absolutely mobbed with hundreds of people - the most I've ever seen in a single testing session.  I helped check people in and proctor the test.  I really like the check in and check out process.  I think it reminds me of the time when I was the personnel manager for my college marching band, aka Band Mom.  Last month, someone was hired from an earlier testing session and they remembered me! That's the circle of life for hiring right there.  Of course there are interesting personalities who show up and varying testing abilities so that either amused, saddened, or horrified us.  By the afternoon session, we were getting a bit slap happy.  I joked that as we ask for people's testing id's, I basically hear every number in existence but the one they are saying.  Also, number rhythm is essential!  Say "twenty, one one seven" or put a pause someplace.  I had a lot of fun and met a bunch of people.  Now, I am wiped so thank goodness for new "Wet Hot American Summer"!

This work week was pretty good thanks to a fabulous co-worker who clued me in on how to show up to work without being drenched in sweat - take a bus that drops us off literally a block away.  Arriving, primped, clean, and dry every morning definitely helped set the tone for the week.  Ironically, I got to see Super Boss not pressed, clean, and dry for the first time one morning.  He was running chronically late and showed up looking like he had walked through a rain shower - poor guy!  Since I am Sweat Queen, I gave him my packets of facial cleansing cloths and body cleaning cloths.  Those, copious amounts of drinking water, and a fan will get you presentable, I guarantee.

Of course there was one day that wasn't so awesome and surprise surprise it was a Thursday.  I swear every single bad day I've had for the past four months has been a Thursday! I've been at my job for almost 11 months. I have learned a lot and if I don't know an answer, I know where to look and what questions to ask. So, I have been feeling pretty confident but there is one stupid, basic task that I always have trouble with - finding job descriptions.  There are five different places to look and dozens of different ways to look up the file. It's one of those tasks that you can't document steps, you just have to know.  So, I sent the wrong job description Thursday and Super Boss had to call me to let me know. Using his instructions, I found the correct one but the stupid critical voice in my head would not shut up.  

I have tried to nail down where that voice comes from. It isn't the usual "You're a worthless fucking bitch" voice (I call that Dad). When I make mistakes, it sounds like a scared tinier voice saying, "Oh god, you are brain damaged and dumb."  And since my emotional reserves are basically powering every waking second of my life, Tiny Scared Voice can't be dealt with so I just cried when I got home.  Tiny Scared Voice is basically every emotional beat I had in inpatient and outpatient rehab after my stroke.  I swear, all the testing they run you through does more emotional damage than help diagnostically. It's almost like I am still being tested now and after every mistake some doctor will show up with a clipboard. It's easy to fight off the Dad voice because I have a sense of humor about it. I internally roll my eyes and think, "Oh God, this guy? Seriously change your tune." Tiny Scared Voice taps into a visceral fear so crying is the only method I have to wear it out.

This has also been a stellar week of Fuck Up Analyst fallout.  I had my big reveal Wednesday.  Super Boss had his Friday.  My reveal is during a regular chat with Super Boss, I found out back in October Fuck Up Analyst told Super Boss and the other analyst guy that I did not want to work with them.  That I only wanted to work with her.  Firstly, I NEVER said that!  Secondly, keeping me under her wing made the learning curve so much more difficult for me. In Super Boss' office, my mouth was agape, I shook my fists at the sky, said "Argh!" and clarified things.  The sad thing is he thought he had done something wrong that made me not want to work with him!  You know what?  Fuck Up Analyst's name is Michelle.  I am done using aliases for this psycho.  Friday Super Boss was training me on compensation audits now that I have had HRIS audits under my belt for months. He found out Michelle did not do HRIS audits the way he had trained her (and me).  His face turned a purple-ish red, he hung his head, and his shoulders drooped.  Both of us were pissed but what can you do with someone who has left the company?  I suggested we call her She Who Will Not Be Named.

Subtle Understanding

At the end of today, Super Boss pointed out that I shouldn't go home for the weekend thinking I didn't accomplish anything. We talked about everything we got done and the obstacles which made Super Boss state that the obstacles didn't take away a win. Then he brought up another thing we can tick off our To Do list. I squinted at him and asked, "What's up with all the cheerleading?" He said that he knows that I had a hard week. I reassured him that the last couple days things got better.

Then he started talking about his old roommate who was Bipolar and had to go off her meds cold turkey since she lost her job. How hard it was on her and what it felt like. So, my subtle vagueness wasn't as obscure as I hoped but that turned out okay! In fact, if more of us talked about our struggles with mental illness, the stigma would lessen.

How to Lose Your Grip and Alienate People

I had two days off from work last week. For one day I went to the beach and I didn't get burnt to a crisp thanks to UV bands and disappearing potion sun lotion. The other day I had an appointment with Dr. Quackowitz. I sat in the waiting room for an hour. Pissed off, I wrote a note to slip under her door. She was there and she hadn't written down our appointment. Ladies and gentleman, this is the same person who I allowed to mess with my brain chemistry God help me.... The good doctor got very defensive when I listed all the medical problems I have being on Lamotrigine. She kept repeating, "That isn't normally reported..." My response to that was, "My brain isn't normal! I have less gray matter and my neurons aren't connected the same way as normal people's." I had to yell this at her several times. Look up what a stroke does to a brain- geez...

I went down to half my dose on these days off. It felt fine on non-work days but this work week has been rough. Monday was horrible not just because it was my first day back but also because Super Boss was out and the entire department collectively forgot how to do their jobs. I finished fixing all the mistakes from Monday today. To give you a slight taste of the insanity, Monday at 8:00 AM I had to show a woman who had worked at the company for 20 years how to print a report she has been printing every week. The lesson is that I will never take time off.

Super Boss got back and was pissed about what I had to deal with on Monday. Things were so screwed up, there were potential legal implications. Since this is a roller coaster week, I had an awesome Tuesday with accomplishments up the wazoo. Wednesday is when shit hit the fan as I started worrying if the Lamotrigine was the reason why I like my job. I screwed up on a report and revised it to what I thought was right but it wasn't. Super Boss called me and said that I needed to redo the report and he could show me what happened. I was in the middle of three things and it was after 5 so I asked him if I could be over in a minute and mentioned that I have been having a horrible week. Fast forward to me venting in his office. But do you ever hear yourself and just get so sick of yourself? So I trailed off saying, "Blah, blah, blah my feelings..." Super Boss insisted that how I was feeling was important. I waved it off, he insisted, and I replied, "Okay, how I feel is important to you."

As he was showing me how to do the report, I had to get up, go to the bathroom, and cry. The weird thing is I wasn't upset I made a mistake, I just felt like a raw exposed nerve. When I got back, I decided to give a very vague head's up that I was getting off a medication with difficult side effects and I am really trying to keep it together but I do know I've been off. Super Boss looked a bit overwhelmed/scared at the info but he did point out that I have been doing all this stuff to help him on top of doing all Benefits analysis, then taking on more. I appreciated hearing that I am actually helping then he informed me, "That's crazy." The irony was so strong, I had to laugh. 

I felt a lot better but when I got back to my office, dark thoughts started creeping in. The idea of possibly starting back on SSRIs while getting off Lamotrigine popped into my head. Right after that thought, the evil Depression mantra kicked in saying that I am a broken weakling. I sat crying in my office for an hour until I realized that I was in no shape to take a train home. Luckily, my brother was able to come pick me up and listened to me cry and feel.

Just a general overview of the side effects I have been riding; I am very dizzy, I have trouble sleeping, my thinking is foggy, I have jolts of nerve pain randomly, and I sweat buckets. 

Today started rocky since I got no sleep. It was a combo of being upset and discovering rusty brown water coming out of my bathroom faucet at 3:00 AM. The idea of calling my landlady the next day and being screamed at about how I broke the bathroom kept me up. I have been blamed for every repair needed in my shitty apartment BTW. 

I cleaned up a big billing process at work and Super Boss pointed out something I will need to check every month, so I got snippy with him because what he wanted to be done would take me months to figure out how to do so it kinda negated all my cleanup work. I got back to my office, sat down tried to start figuring out what Super Boss wanted me to do, and decided to go and apologize for being snippy. I explained that what he wanted was something I had no idea how to do so he said, "Okay, let's set aside some time and try to work on those queries." I told him, "You don't need to waste your time on this. I don't need you to be in the Benefits pit where everything is awful." He pointed out that I report to him, so yeah he does need to know Benefits, that me being alone in the pit and not accepting help won't work. He said, "You don't need to be a martyr." Yeah, Benefits isn't a live grenade I need to throw myself on. I got really badly dizzy so I had to sit down, apologizing. He said that we're human and I murmured, "No I'm not, I'm a super hero." It's a running joke explaining my crazy need to be all things to everyone and do everything perfectly surpassing expectations.

This is my favorite description of what we need to get out of our holes:

Go Big or Go Home

This week I discovered what I had suspected but ignored for years - my psychiatrist is a horrible quack. I came to this conclusion not just because I was prescribed Lamotrigine that has had side effects that mimic PCOS, hypothyroidism, or a pituitary tumor. The discovery occurred after I left a message detailing these problems, Dr. Quackowitz told me to completely stop taking the medication. If I was a naive medication newbie, I would have followed her directions and have been hospitalized. Since, I knew her directions were absolute insanity, I am titrating off on my own. Day 4 was tough because I stupidly reduced too fast. The idea that Lamotrigine is poison to my body makes me want to get off as soon as possible but I need to make sure I am not sobbing all day, in pain, while I murder people.

Tuesday, Super Boss and I had organized a group to do Pub trivia at the Elephant and Castle. I had never done pub trivia or been to Elephant and Castle. The group consisted of my brother, Super Boss' wife aka Super Wife, Fuck Up Analyst, and the most recent departed analyst. Something I was not told when I made reservations is that groups greater than 4 cannot be seated together. So, we got two tables near each other. My table was the pub trivia team - Super Boss and Wife, me and my brother. I also had Poutine for the first time with Sam Adams Red Brick Road. Everything was so good! The trivia was really good and just hard enough. Super Wife is freaking hilarious and smart as a whip. The first question we got right, she hopped up and walked towards the trivia DJ expecting some kind of prize - ha! It was tough to chat since the music was loud but I got to exchange some pleasantries with Fuck Up Analyst. It turns out she doesn't like her new job. She didn't ask a single thing about me. At one point in the evening Super Boss and I turned to each other and realized how hard it is to talk to the ex-analysts without mentioning work. Super Wife also did some recon at the other table which she reported back at the end of the night. She is well aware of all the work her husband and I have had to do and who is responsible for it. The ex analysts don't give the work any thought but miss the people. Our team came in second and got a $25 gift card which we used that night. As Super Wife said, "We came in with nothing and leave with nothing." The walk back to South Station took us under the floating net art which is so much prettier at night!

Thursday, since the week had been going so well with going down to 7/8 dose, I decided to go to half. Hello vertigo, fuzzy thinking, speech problems, and weird shooting nerve pain. Plus, me freaking the fuck out on Super Boss, snapping at him, shutting down any attempts at teaching, making him leave my office so I can cry - which scared Baby Analyst. After I calmed down and had some alone time, Super Boss and I talked. What I perceived as a judgmental comment was just him trying to jog my memory. He pointed out that the only person judging anyone in my office was me. Which was valid. I said that sometimes I feel like I am completely useless and know nothing. But the cool thing is after our talk, we reviewed a bunch of billing processes since I had caught a couple problems. In this review, I had not made a single mistake! That helped with my mood for the rest of the workday but I did cry all the way home on the train. After a call with my unpaid therapist, my mom, I upped my dosage to 6/8.

Today was very awesome. The monthly bills were calculated and mailed with only a couple of errors. I have the whole process down to a science. When Super Boss got into the office, I was smiling ear to ear with pride. I took a completely broken process left by Fuck Up Analyst and made it work! Later in the morning, I made sure to tell Super Boss that he did absolutely nothing wrong Thursday and it was just me and my stupid hang ups. This is how stupid I am. Dept supervisor encourages me to apply for Super Boss' old job and when Super Boss trains me, he says, "You need to know this when I'm not here anymore." Rather than appreciate having so much professional support, I went into I Need to be Super Boss NOW mode. Super Boss shook his head hearing this and said, "I just want you to be happy working here." Aw! In the afternoon, I got the vibe that Super Boss was fuming after finding out he needed to create a table load that was not our responsibility by end of day. I took care of a bunch of reporting requests sent to us and volunteered to help with the table load. It seemed really daunting at first glance and Super Boss admitted that he had been supremely pissed but luckily our deadline wasn't so tight. At 5:30 tonight I had cracked how to create the table in an amazingly easy way. Super Boss was impressed. He also made sure that what I did for billing deserved a stone in our accomplishment jar. 

P.S. I saw Leslie Jones and Kristen Wiig in Ghostbusters jumpsuits in Chinatown this week!

Szerencses Reconaissant Durchgefuhrt

I don't think there are words in the English language to describe this past week. It was so good, I branched out to French, Hungarian, and German.

For almost a year I have been dealing with an odd constellation of symptoms that my primary care doctor couldn't pin down so I got a referral to an endocrinologist. My personal theories were PCOS or hypothyroid. Back in March I did a big series of blood tests and a 24 hour urine collection. I had to reschedule my May endocrinologist appointment because work became crazy. I finally had my appointment this week and everything was ruled out except a medication I am on. Plus the endocrinologist said, "At least it isn't a tumor." So, unbeknownst to me, that was a possibility!!!! And I cancelled the May appointment with a possible brain tumor. I am so glad this is news to me when it isn't a tumor. The up side is I don't like the medication I'm on so titrating off would be a relief. Yeah, anti-convulsants suck, hello SSRIs!

Monday, with the help of Super Boss, I was able to figure out how not to be upset about a couple errors I made last month. The key is to put it in context. Super Boss caught the mistakes and just let me know with zero judgement. All the judgement was in my head. So he shut my office door, sat down, and talked me through my crazy. I remembered what was going on when I made the mistakes. Four errors out of everything else I did right in the midst of the shit show around me, is pretty much a win. Huzzah conquering a big psychological hurdle! It's all about perspective. When I thanked Super Boss at the end of the day, he said I've done the same for him. Yup, propping up each other's sanity should be put on our resumes. I think mistakes should still bug me but not to the point where I get so upset I doubt myself. 

We have an Analyst II on our team who started mid-May but she is still working her old administrative job since the whole department is so understaffed. I'll call her Baby Analyst. I really love her and when she is able to help us out or sit with us to learn, I can see how overwhelming it is for her but she is picking up a ton.  It's also a lot of fun for me because I enjoy training people and she seems to enjoy learning from me. This week, she seriously stepped up to the plate work wise and saved our bacon.  I have tried to pass along her frustration over being half an analyst to Super Boss. He got LIVID when I told him that Baby Analyst got roped into covering the front desk for lunch. I think that being a teacher isn't just passing along knowledge, it's also looking out for student/trainee. So, when Baby Analyst got upset about making a mistake, I passed along perspective. 1 mistake out of thousands of data fields with both of us not catching two inverted digits. Walk it off.

Wednesday, there was a huge process deadline that affected thousands of employees. Three departments were involved in testing Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday was all in production. No pressure! At around 7:00, there was a huge issue discovered but since Super Boss and I were the only people left at work, we couldn't get it fixed immediately. But thanks to Super Boss asking to make sure that all the work I was doing was in production not test, I came up with a solution for that night. I was clutching my head laughing saying, "You do not ask me if I'm working in test at this time of night" If I had spent hours adjusting thousands of employees in the wrong environment, men with nets and a straight jacket would be called! We worked until 9:00 and Super Boss offered me a ride once we got back to his place - saving me a dicey walk to South Station in the rain and getting me home earlier.  Super is the same in English, German, Finnish etc. So Super Boss earned his pan-lingual super status!

He has a really nice condo and I got to meet his wife again. The embarrassing thing is one of the side effects I mentioned above is really bad sweating and that night was 100% humidity so I had beads of sweat running down everywhere while I stood in his nice home chatting with his wife. Maybe some of it could pass as rain drops? I discovered that Super Boss has horrible sense of direction. He lives one town over from me and grabbed the GPS. I said, "Oh you just need to hop on 93." Super Wife shook her head and leaned over stage whispering, "He's horrible at directions." Ha! Since Quincy doesn't have a hospital, Super Boss randomly announced "Erectile dysfunction" on the drive. There are signs posted everywhere for the Emergency Department that is the leftovers of Quincy Medical Center. Very weird and funny tangent. 

Thursday everything was done and every goal was met. I have a mason jar in my office that has about a dozen green decorative stones. Each stone signifies a win. Something we're proud of or something that went right. I feel like this huge process going well deserves something more than a green decorative stone. So this weekend we'll grab a stone from wherever we celebrate the Fourth and put it in the jar. We did extremely well this week!

Supernatural Superserious

Super Boss was on vacation for three days the week before last. In those three days I was in charge of a quarterly process that had been migrated to our HRMS system for the first time. I had just seen this process from a data entry/auditing perspective twice offline using Excel. So, needless to say, I was freaking the fuck out and stressed. I also resolved not to email Super Boss while he's away to encourage his actual being away-ness, Dude has checked his work email from his own honeymoon! Three days of stress and being on the phone with IT for hours later, it was done. Impacting hundreds of employees across the organization.

The department chief this same week encouraged me to apply for the senior analyst position that will be posted - the same position Super Boss had before he became Super Boss! So, for all of you keeping score out there, in the past year I have gotten a job that is a perfect fit, got an amazing boss four months ago, and am being encouraged for a promotion! I also was asked out by a random 59 year old employee. It was flattering yet very awkward. I have a fake ring now in my desk to throw on for future walk-ins.

That process I was in charge of? There were only 3 errors and I got a high five from Super Boss when he got back. This past week was time for both of us to stress out about fiscal year end deadlines. We decided to split the workload by type. This has been kind of awesome knowing that I can actually help and lessen the burden in our department. Super Boss has been in tears a couple of times in my office the last couple of weeks. Maybe that's why we work well together? We both get overwhelmed with different breaking points but find comfort in similar ways. I call it "talking out the crazy".

Also, this past week has seen huge swings in temperature and humidity which means a lot of pain for anyone dealing with injuries/nerve damage. Monday was the worst day for me. It was so exhausting dealing with my left hand/arm going completely numb plus my right foot and leg losing feeling and strength. The arm/hand issue was lingering nerve damage from my 2012 car accident. The foot and leg were sciatica due to a bone spur in my spine from my discectomy in 1997, I believe. Or it could be my sneakers crapping out with a sole worn down so badly I am supinating almost 45 degrees.

My brother got to meet Super Boss Wednesday night. Bro swung by the office before we went to a show. There was a moment between the two guys that was hilarious. It was a perfectly choreographed switch from saying really nice things about me to really on-point teasing. If I had a roast, those two would be openers.

The Dark Place

Ever start a week finding out a computer server melted over the weekend crashing the company's HCM system? Yeah, that was an omen. Plus there was a full moon this week. 

I had a full on break down at work Thursday - body shaking sobbing and Super Boss offering to let me go home for the day. It was a long time coming and there is no fix but I was heard and understood. 

The biggest factor, besides working long hours and not sleeping for two months, is the account billing system I inherited after Fuck Up Analyst left. I am the only person who spends hours a day working on it: fixing years of mistakes over hundreds of accounts, on the phone with pissed off employees with the shame knowing the entire system has been broken for years and Fuck Up Analyst was a complete asshole to employees. I had a huge deadline Thursday. I am also very achievement oriented and "doing my best" means I will achieve perfection while surpassing expectations. There is only 24 hours in the day and I have absolutely no help at work. Super Boss wants to help but he's in the same boat and doesn't have the knowledge I have amassed over the past nine months.

As I was sobbing in my office, after I had declared that I had put my life on hold for this job and I felt like I was being pushed off the glass cliff, Super Boss asked over and over, "How can I help?" He has also been having a horrible week thanks to the server meltdown. So he was next to tears seeing me cry. He observed, "I knew it was bad, but I didn't know it was THIS bad!" As a way to halt my spiraling, he crouched in front of me and pointed out all the things I have achieved then ordered me to leave at 5:00 that night. Yeah, he doubly earned the title of Super Boss. I even told him about that nickname! I'm training him on the account billing system now. That was the only way I could think he could help.

Friday was a lot better - a burden had been lifted and feelings were validated/expressed. As I was training Super Boss, I thanked him. He told me he had been to The Dark Place last year. I sighed, "Man, I had no idea how dark it can get." He wound up working until 10:00 Thursday night which was horrible and I chastised him about it. But he got sucked into trying to fix an account calculation query that has been apparently wrong for over a decade. He was trying to fix another broken system on my plate and as usual, found out it has been completely wrecked. He was trying to help me. If I break Super Boss or send him to The Dark Place, it will be awful

I am working on having a life outside of work now. I am seeing two comedy shows this summer and have four vacation days booked. Oh yeah, getting vacation days approved after a breakdown at work is CAKE! Plus some low level apartment searching can happen. 

It's All Catching Up

The toll of two months of 50+ hour work weeks have finally crashed around my ears. I worked Memorial Day with the idea that it would help make the rest of the week more bearable. It didn't. This week was unbearable. Every night, I got home after 9 with barely enough energy to have dinner before I went to bed. I wound up hurting my knee somehow walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

On the up side, Super Boss and I were able to test and implement three salary plans this week. Two plans were just adjusted but the third was created from scratch. That hasn't happened in over a decade!

One night, Super Boss suggested that I look out the window to the hotel of the endless parade of naked people in front of windows. I laughed and said no. He insisted a small child was learning to walk. I gave him a "Really?" look and told him I am not that gullible (even though I totally am and he knows it). It was a good laugh and extra funny if you could hear what we were saying out of context.

Thursday wound up being a weepy day. The day started so well with Super Boss saying that he was really happy that I am a part of the team and that it is a comfort to him.  I just thought hearing a sad song in the morning in my office made me misty. That just set up a theme. In the afternoon I had an hour long difficult phone call with an employee where I had to apologize over and over for the mistake from Fuck Up Former Analyst. For years employees have not paid for certain benefits and now that I'm fixing processes, they are getting bills. This employee completely tore into me. Super Boss must have heard a portion of the call because after I hung up, he came into my office shaking his head "Wow, how has your day been?" I dissolved into tears. He helped by pointing out that all my hard work is definitely showing positive results for the company.

Friday was Super Boss' weepy day. He had worked until 10 Thursday night and was in at 7 Friday. Friday was my flip the fuck out day. It all started with a mass email thanking me and HR Chief for all our hard work on employee reconciliations. HR Chief is not at all involved or has done anything. It is just me every month cleaning up years of mistakes for hundreds of employees. That put me in a mood. Super Boss sauntered into my office thinking the email was a good joke. I did my flat voice thing saying,"No it's just me" and then I listed in a not so calm manner all the other projects that are just me. This is not news to Super Boss - it's just the two of us. His shoulders drooped with everything I listed and he asked, "How can I help?" I threw up my hands and said "Hire somebody". He changed tactics by asking "What can I do?" I didn't have any idea so he left me to mull it over. I sat in my office for a couple hours listening to classical music, thinking and working when it finally hit me. I went to Super Boss' office and asked, "So, when you told me that you were worried that I will burn myself out, did you mean that?" He told me about his burn out last year and he got so choked up, he needed to switch topics. He totally gets it because we're basically the same in work ethic and crazy need for perfection or a check mark. As I said in his office, we just need a "Toe hold".

The end of June will be the same level of madness but at least we have a couple weeks to recover and recharge. I am taking a vacation day June 26 for a cookout in Western MA. I'm also seeing TJ Miller June 17 and Eddie Izzard in August. Scheduling in fun is key to have something to look forward to. 

The Ides of May

Taking last Friday, May 8, off from work was a great decision! Unfortunately, the weather did not go along with my plans. So, I froze my butt off on Nut Island and sat in my car at Wollaston Beach. This gave me a lot of time to think and sort through life. I had been freaking out about Super Boss possibly leaving the company. He's young and has four years under his belt so it became a running joke between us,  "Hey, I just gave notice.", and/or way to voice anxiety. But with every joke came an underlying panic that this could really happen. It affected my sleep and had me close to tears with worry. So on May 8, I decided to not let "what if's" distract me from the here and now. I'll just learn, do good work, and enjoy having Super Boss as a guide.

I also went back to my roots at work. My first job out of college was at a non-profit that had a lot of mailings so at least once a month, all the assistants would get together in a conference room and stuff envelopes. We called it a "mailing party". It was a ton of fun and really bonded everyone - I wound up with lifelong friends from that job. So, I had a mailing party at my current job - just Super Boss and I stuffing envelopes and cracking wise until 7:30 at night. We were told at one point that we were making a ruckus and I thought, "Ahhh... Mailing Party strikes again!" Super Boss is a fellow Game of Thrones book reader and he told me there was a Winds of Winter chapter released about Arya called "Mercy". But it has been taken down from every site Google can find. If you know where I can find it, please comment!

I have been getting a lot of support and recognition from co-workers and managers so that helps a ton hearing "Good job." and pats on my back. Just today, the payroll manager told me, "Everyone down there thinks you're doing great." Aww!  Now, it's just me, Super Boss, and a new analyst II left in our department. We had a group training session Wednesday and it felt really good. We definitely click as a team. Super Boss and I were having a meeting in my office yesterday when a manager found us and said, "Ahh the analyst group!" We snorted and I said, "More like a pair - just enough for a tandem bike." Super Boss added, "And we're about to crash."

Today was the day that I knew was long coming. Both Super Boss and I were having a shitty day and were in moods. With so few people in our department, mood has a huge impact. But I saw what was going on, used all my decades of therapy fu to pull myself together, and offered my help with the mountainous workload on Super Boss' wearying shoulders. I got to help with work I really enjoyed so that was a bonus! Then we had our usual 4:00 tete a tete and since we were so tired, the mood was a lot lighter. He said at one point, "I'm glad you said X because I was thinking the same thing. It gives me hope for when I leave here." My response, "Well, I will just have to stop learning so you can never leave!" I would love to go one week without these jokes damnit! These meetings are very productive, I learn a ton, and we wind up talking about everything under the sun. This week I found out "This is Where I Leave You" is on HBO ( really good movie BTW), discussed Foucault's History of Madness, and 5 Wishes end of life documentation. Plus, we learned that both of us are really gullible so it has been hilarious trying to fool each other. I had him convinced construction around our office was unearthing another time capsule. Today's discussion was how if we worked near a black hole and had to deliver results to people not near the black hole, we would be able to have more than 24 hours in our day.

I have decided to put moving on hold since work has been so crazy. I won't have the time to look for an apartment let alone pack up and move. So, the fall/late summer is my goal. Also, there is a rumor that there might be a raise in the future so that could have a huge impact on my search.

My brother has been key in making sure I have a life outside of work. We saw the new "Avengers Age of Ultron" (I agree with the Black Widow storyline complaints and LOVE the Vision). We also saw the RiffTrax live broadcast of "The Room". SO GOOD - I was in tears laughing.

Arbeit Macht Frei

My life has become about basically 90% work. I have no one pressuring me to work late hours or overtime but the workload and various deadlines stretch the space-time continuum. Who decided a day lasts 24 hours? I have a bone to pick with them!

Sunday 4/26 - I had to work because I had a deadline to calculate and enter billing for 60 employees in almost 300 plans over 5 years. It wasn't too bad. I sucked down Dunks while blasting music getting into the data entry zone. I did get a bit freaked out when the thumping I heard turned out to be someone else in the next department working as well. The Winter Soldier soundtrack made me feel very heroic while I calculated deductions. 5 hours worked and a comp day earned.

Monday 4/27 - a pistachio kind of day. On top of all the broken processes and work that hasn't been done, that I have been able to make my peace with, a whole other reporting reconciliation that was neglected for 3 months was discovered. Yes. Another one. It was seriously not a huge or complicated task but segue to me freaking the fuck out in Super Boss' office. There were tears and he assured me this new report is very low on my priority list. We met afterwards for two hours reviewing an employee account that made no sense. A lot of clutching our heads and asking, "What the hell happened?" and adding up any little amount to try to explain variances. 10 hour day.

Tuesday 4/28 - I was a bit embarrassed about my emotional Monday so I avoided Super Boss in addition to being a huge asshole to everyone. Part of me kept asking internally "What are you doing?" as the pettiest passive aggressive bullshit spewed from my mouth. I got a lot done since I knew I should not be around people. Super Boss had a question for me in his office. I came over to his side and saw on the computer screen a mistake I had made Sunday. So, you can probably guess how that went over. I felt upset that I made a mistake so I told him that he was right. I probably fucked everything up from Sunday. He got very stern/disappointed saying that he wished I did not use that kind of language about myself. I tried to be nonchalant since I could feel I was getting upset and backed out of his office saying that I'll fix it. He asked me what was wrong and this is what I said, "Oh we don't need to do this. You've had to deal with enough of me the past two days." That kicked off this back and forth where I complained about being an emotional mess (aka an unprofessional woman). He started pacing telling me how much I have accomplished that he knows and has seen what I am capable of. He just doesn't know how to make me see it. Needless to say, we hugged it out and had a sane/calm discussion about other work matters. I have to say, that was one of the kindest most supportive ways to bolster me up while dealing with my crazy self doubts. I get a little verklempt remembering it. 10 hour workday.

Wednesday 4/29 - I made sure early in the morning to thank Super Boss letting him know how much his patience and support helps. He said this really cool thing that all the strategies/habits I have picked up through other jobs and also as a way to help myself after my stroke basically has made me the perfect fit for my job. So yeah, stars really aligned landing me this gig! This was the kind of day where a meeting cancellation is as welcome as a shot of lidocaine. I had to delay almost every deliverable due to a huge reporting project, an initial analysis of messed up employee account. Super Boss and I have this thing where we scold each other "Go home!" every time we see each other working late. 10 hour workday.

Thursday 4/30 - a big accounting/finance and filing day. Around lunchtime this is how well Super Boss knows me - Email subject: Come to My Office. The first line in the email body: You're not in trouble. Well, the only other analyst besides me in our group gave notice. If work was a movie, it would be a dark comedy. I will be the only analyst in our group starting in mid-May. The end of the day into evening was three hours trying to craft a report for that nonsensical employee account. And holy shit Super Boss is human! He got so frustrated he whacked his keyboard, swore, and yelled at the data on the computer screen. It seriously did not make sense and is five years old so it's all guesswork on what people were thinking. So, ha! I got to be the calming sane one with suggestions on how to approach the problem and verbalizing needs. We wound up being so worn out we had to leave the report at good enough after running the gamut of pivoting the data, calculating, and formatting. 12 hour workday

Friday 5/1 - I could not sleep because my mind was still trying to perfect that damn report. I got three hours of sleep. A bunch of projects were completed today and Big Decisions were handed down on policy. One of the Big Decisions was so poorly verbalized Super Boss and I were staring at each other in a meeting with "Are you fucking kidding me" faces. I had to talk to an employee about his screwed up account which went poorly and was frustrating for me to have to explain how broken the system is. I also met Super Boss' wife! 10 hour workday.

Side note. Our offices face a hotel and sometimes people walk around naked in their hotel room with the blinds open. Super Boss thinks it's funny and my first reaction is "Ew, no" I think that is part embarrassment on the person's behalf and the other part knowing that I don't want to see naked people while I'm in business casual. You know? I want nudity in my home. Not surrounded by Xerox machines and filing cabinets.

For those of you fearing for my health and sanity, I am taking May 8 off. This weekend is all about Avengers Age of Ultron.

Many Good Things, Little Sleep

The past four weeks have been a whirlwind of STUFF HAPPENING. The biggest impact is a co-worker left my analyst group so I inherited her duties and her office. Having an office is fabulous - I've been stuck in cubicle land for ten years so I feel like I have arrived professionally. That's the positive of my co-worker moving on. There have been several downsides to her departure such as:

1. She did not do any work for the past several months.

2. She broke entire reports by keying over linked Excel formulas.

3. She did not file, just shoved paper into drawers.

4. She alienated an entire department thanks to her shitty attitude/work ethic.

The first week without her was the slow dawning horror of the above. But there is an up side to all this. The alienated department is so happy to be rid of her, they have been going out of their way to help me. My fellow analysts are aware of the massive cleanup I need to do and have been very helpful with tasks and allowing me to freak the fuck out. There's just three of us so it feels like wartime bonding in the trenches.

My boss has been quite simply amazing through all this. We spent nights in my office going through "files" getting frustrated, speechless, then slap happy with stacks of unpaid bills and dusty procedure manuals. I was in tears at a couple points from being overwhelmed and he helped by talking through what we could do next. That is a very important pronoun - we. He tries to make sure - I - get credit for accomplishments. But if there's a crisis or question, - we - tackle it. I also got a really great mid-year review with helpful feedback. I love one of his suggestions. With my learning quirks post brain damage, sometimes I reach an upper limit on information I can absorb, anything above that limit is static so my thinking gets stuck. Super Boss suggested having a word so he'd know what was going on and how to help. I asked skeptically, "What? You mean like pistachio?" He explained what he meant so our word is pistachio. It's odd enough, a good laugh could jolt my thinking back into gear. Having a boss who values my work, my thinking, and supports me has been transformative. Despite the workload, never ending cleanup, and the long hours, I am engaged and happy at work!

In the midst of all this, I am looking for a new apartment. I've toured 5 places. I applied to 1 place but I didn't get it due to timing. I'm looking any place that is near a commuter rail station that gets me to Boston under 60 minutes. I really liked Lowell. Attleboro looks horrible but it's so darn affordable! Taunton is also affordable but heroin. Weymouth would be nice but I haven't found anything within my budget. Luckily, I just need to give 30 days notice to move - month to month lease baby! 

The Heart It's Sight

When you look at me now, you would not guess that one morning I woke up paralyzed on my left side, blind in one eye, and barely able to speak. I look normal now. I don't look like someone who spent weeks in the hospital and months relearning how to walk, talk, and think. For many years I have been very proud that I recovered from my brain injury enough to pass as a normal person to the public. But there is another side of a visible recovery that many people don't see.

I have spent over a decade practicing little strategies every day that keep me looking functional. If I don't have a strategy, I ignore it or try to downplay it. 

1. My entire left side has dulled feeling. It's like I have a layer of latex coating my skin, organs and muscles. If I am handling a knife or am around a fire, I need to keep my eyes on my left side, I can't multi-task. I don't know how badly I injure myself. Securing a seatbelt when I am on the passenger side of a car is hard too. My family knows enough to offer to help. It depends on how I'm feeling driving with others if I ask for help. I have gone without a seatbelt to avoid the feeling of shame in asking for help.

2. Since I was paralyzed on my left side, the entire weight of my left arm was hanging from my shoulder for a week. That week stretched out my shoulder tendons and ligaments so my left arm does not sit correctly in the shoulder socket. I avoid dancing to YMCA and keep heavy items on lower shelves. I also have difficulty putting on my bra and blow  drying my hair. I always put coats on left arm first.

3. Cognitively I still have a high IQ and can learn things quickly. My memory is not what it used to be. Before I order coffee, I need to rehearse it in my head so when I order it, I look like I am reciting something someone else told me. Sometimes when I am asked to remember a particular detail about something, it's like my memory is of an empty suit jacket. I can remember where I was, what the page looks like, the scene around me but not the actual thing I need to know. The more I try to find it in my memory, the farther away it gets. I have trouble writing capital E's as well. I also sometimes completely forget to rinse off my left side in the shower.

4. Motor skills bounced back really quickly for me after my injury but recently my doctor informed me that I relearned how to walk when I was 24 and now that my body is aging, I might need to pay more attention. I was very upset hearing this but I had just told my doctor that I felt like one leg was shorter than the other so learning to walk in a 38 year old body is the better option!

There are many other OCD like rituals I have to keep it together and this is what they mean when they say that you really never recover fully from a brain injury. It's not the end of the world but it is a daily reminder.

Anxiety Hill

J

If you have ever grappled with anxiety and live in the Boston area, this winter is like Guadalcanal, the Battle of the Bulge, and Stalingrad combined. (Can you tell I'm a history major?) How can a human being with unique brain chemistry cope with three weeks of snow storms?

Well, for storm #1, Juno, freak the fuck out. Buy every grocery item you could possibly need, fill up your heating oil, buy a new shovel, and research how to use planting pots to heat a room. Because the memory of Nemo from 2013 is fanning the anxiety flames in your mind. What if I'm stranded again? What if I lose heat and power again? What if a water pipe bursts again? The night before the storm, cook up a bunch of meals that could be eaten warm or cold. Then remember that before you were medicated or done therapy, you had bought a Red Cross emergency pack stuffed to the gills with survival gear. That is when the rushing thump of blood in your ears starts to get quieter.

Quincy received 3 feet of snow in two days Tuesday and Wednesday. I chose to park on the street not in the driveway because my landlady’s son was out of town. He sometimes plows the driveway and other times yells at us for asking for plowing. After I had my car accident with neck and back injuries, my request for plowing help was met with a, “I don’t run a home” response from him. Class Act. My workplace was closed for two days. We didn't lose power thanks to the snow being fluffy but the winds were howling. The new shovel I bought is great but the mouth is two feet wide so you wind up lifting a lot more snow than you are used to. So I hurt my back in my first round of shoveling. I also chatted with a neighbor from down the street who brought up another anxiety I grapple with. Neighbor lives with an elderly person with medical issues and our street was so bad, emergency vehicles would never be able to make it to his house. I know it is very unlikely that the stars would align for me having a second stroke during a blizzard but that possibility haunts the back of my mind. I have nothing to fight that anxiety.

The people who live in my building have all been incredibly helpful. Second floor guy shovels and salts the driveway. First floor couple shoveled out my car during Juno. I baked Thank You cookies and gave them a card. Juno was very bearable thanks to them, power, fluffy snow, work closing, and copious amounts of French toast.

The next week Monday we got a foot of snow. Work was not closed so I had to take a personal day since my street was impassable. Again amazing shoveling teamwork from all. There also is a guy on my street who owns a plow and he basically cleans up our street since Quincy just sends a front loader once. Everyone keeping up with the snow math? We're up to 4 feet of snow.

The next day, the entire train system for Boston was a wreck so work was delayed until 11:00. I got on a train at my usual stop around 10:00. The trip on a normal day would take thirty minutes to get to Boston. I sat down and noticed a lot of unhappy faces and grumbling. So I asked my seatmate what train was it. It was the 6:00 AM departure train! It had taken them four hours to travel seven stops. The train did not move for an hour and then we were asked to de-train. In theory another train was coming to pick us up. I called into work and took another Personal Day. Annoyance trumped anxiety for this round. Commute annoyance and not having a work from home option.

This past Monday and Tuesday, Quincy got over 2 feet of snow. My landlady's son plowed over my only snow shovel in the middle of the storm. The bright orange shovel. This is when I started to feel the crazies creep in. I had no tools to get out and there was nowhere to put the snow. I started imagining using Tupperware as snow scoops. Second floor neighbor drove out to buy a shovel. We had been sharing my orange shovel since his had broken.  For those playing along, this puts Quincy at 6 feet of snow.

Since I take the train into work, my commute has been a mess for two weeks. I'm lucky when it's under two hours. I have to admit the Commuter rail passengers have kept my spirits up. Lots of nice chats with strangers and a level of exhaustion combined with a dark sense of humor. The subway passengers are either awesome or complete assholes. A lady was shoving into me as I got into a packed subway car tonight bitching about how she had been waiting longer and I have no right blah blah blah. I took a step out of the car and said, "Well, you win. Have a nice Valentine's Day." After that, an awesome gal on the platform complimented me on my response and we joked around a bit.

Today all the 6 feet of snow weighed me down and amped up every worry ever. I had to have a good cry in the bathroom at work to feel relief. Why? Because we're supposed to get another foot of snow Sunday!! That is 7 feet of snow in total. Yeah, "May you live in interesting times" is definitely a curse.

The Honeymoon is Over

For two months I looked forward to work, smiled all day, and enjoyed each opportunity for learning. I'm sure I drove my co-workers nuts. I'm starting month 3 now and here's the thing...

1. No one ever gets fired no matter how poorly they do their job.

2. No one tries. This past week I have been correcting two years worth of errors.

3. My first week on the job, half of my department informed me they are actively looking for jobs elsewhere.

4. Some of my co-workers are thieves and violent offenders (In HR having access to everything can be kinda horrifying).

5. My salary is $20K below market. In fact, the higher the salary the more inept the employee - work riddled with errors and lack of basic knowledge (ie math or weeks in a year).

6. And yet the benefits are amazing

7. This could be a lifer job.

Eyes are wide open now. I am still happy and grateful to have a job and enjoy the kind of work. But I think to survive I'll need to stop caring and being surprised with each example of idiocy I encounter. The two years of errors I corrected this week found over $80K for the company. And I'm sure my supervisor does not care. I don't even think he knows my name.

MA Health Connector, No Brain Cells

YOU CANCELLED MY HEALTH INSURANCE!!!!! I can't wait until Charlie Bakers guts the entire agency.

Whispering Eye: MA Health Connector

This is venting and I hope after writing this, I will feel better.

My new job does not provide health insurance for the first ninety days. MA Health Connector cancelled my individual purchased health insurance September 30. That didn't stop them from cashing my October premium payment. My health insurance was cancelled because my documentation for a qualifying event was incomplete. After a frantic phone call, I found out I should have submitted a particular letter stating my COBRA coverage was cancelled. It would have been really nice to have known that or any kind of instructions. I also requested a refund of my October premium.

I could submit a waiver application form to the OPP. Yes, I always giggled inside saying or hearing that because you know me. I submitted the 10 page document mid October. Meanwhile, a 1 month prescription refill of generics cost me $142.00. MA Health Connector still had my October premium money. Too bad. That could have helped pay for medication that helps me live.

Further into this Kafkaesque shitstorm, I got my waiver approved. So I called to see how I could get my health insurance back. Another paperwork submission requirement. 1 the letter they sent me saying they cancelled my insurance and 2 the letter they sent me the day before for my waiver approval. I guess MA Health does not keep records or own a photocopier. Benefit reinstatement paperwork was faxed over October 23.

Since I'm a shitstorm veteran, this week I called to check if they received my reinstatement paperwork and where was my October premium refund. This is the part where I wanted to be able to throttle someone over the phone. My refund request had not been submitted and it would take 60 to 90 days. They did not receive my reinstatement paperwork. Once the rage blackout subsided, I filed a complaint with the Attorney General's office. The same day I was put in touch with Healthcare For All. They are angels amongst us. They work to get people healthcare by being advocates and pulling strings at MA Health Connector. The next day, HCFA got my refund pushed up to a Nov. 15 disbursement. Getting my health insurance reinstated will be another battle. One month tax penalty thanks to MA Health Connector. 

I was a supporter of Obamacare but now I hate it. Open enrollment periods are horrible. The way it used to be was you could contact insurers directly and buy from them. MA Health Connector was just a site with a list of premium rates. Now, it's a call center full of "workers" who have no idea what they're doing. If you miss the open enrollment, you can expect the above and I really hope you won't get sick or injured.

47 Days

Work has been going very well. I've gotten up to speed enough that I can do some regular tasks and can lighten the workload from my fellow analysts. I am very happy and look forward to work most days. I am one of 3 analysts plus a senior analyst. Basically, we control and update all personnel data in Peoplesoft running reports for benefits,compensation, job structure, and EEO requests. I'm getting heavily trained in benefits which I've really enjoyed. Now those paycheck deductions make a lot more sense to me!

I was able to settle into a commute that gives my knees a break and allows a bit of flexibility. I drive to a Greenbush commuter stop 6 miles away. I just need my car involved in my commute. It helps me feel more productive and in control. The walking to the bus routine with the walking downtown had me wrapping and icing my knees at night. Plus, I found out that I get nauseous standing on a moving bus. So commuter rail is win win for me. I usually get a seat in the mornings. Also how awesome is it that there's an app for parking? No more tightly folded $1 bills. And the T on Time app is really handy for South Station track information. Sometimes relying on recognizing conductors isn't the best option. 

It's funny, I did not realize how my last job was such a poor fit until this job. Waking up without a pit of dread in my stomach is so nice. Getting learning disability accomodations was painless and I have been completely supported. Maybe because now I work in HR people understand how to work with people who need accomodations? At my last job, as an accountant, I was told I wasn't trying hard enough if I had trouble understanding something and I was penalized in my performance review for learning difficulties. In this job, if I say, "Okay I visualize X as an umbrella..." I have co-workers who tell me that's a good way to think of it and run with the visualization! That makes my heart sing.

I am the oldest in our little analyst group so it's a fun mix of me having more professional experience but lacking in specific job knowledge. Like I know how to compose an appropriate mass email, create a report with multiple ways to doublecheck the data, and can translate contract language into calculations. But how to troubleshoot that at my new job is where my fellow analysts come in. Heck, I am still learning the data fields in the foundation tables!

The only downside of being so happy is that it makes me friendly to strangers on the T. Which conflicts with the whole city rule "Don't talk to crazy." Thursday morning, I saw an older man being packed into the crush of everyone around the door area. He had a backpack on and was kinda in the way. I noticed there was an empty seat and told him "Sir, there's an empty seat over there." Then he replied with some crazy ramblings about my eagle eyes and how he's taking a sculpture class while heavily breathing on my neck. Next, I felt something hit me right in between my shoulder blades. It felt as hard and forceful as a kick or punch. The wind was knocked out of me and I gasped, "You hurt me." A nice guy allowed me to switch places with him to get away from Mr. Crazy Sculpture Man. I don't even know what happened but it hurt for a little over a day. I'll save my happy talking to sane people I know from now on. On the T, you won't even get eye contact or a smile from me.

City Legs

I started my new job Downtown September 8. The weather was gorgeous and I had the best first day outfit. I had planned out my route on the T. What I didn't plan for was the bowels of hell heat at Park Street and how completely out of shape I was. Working in the suburbs can turn you soft as you sit in traffic and sit in your cubicle with the biggest walk you have is to the conference room. A sweaty face is fine but I have this weird sweat spigot in my neck hairline. No, I didn't take a shower, that's sweat thanks.

It was nice to have something else to worry about my first week. Which was really great. I like the people I work with and it felt like coming home the first time I logged into their Peoplesoft system. I had a lot of training and it's great how patient and open people are with my questions. Bitter aside -my old job looks like breaking rocks in a gulag compared to this new one.

The sweat problem has gotten much better after four days. Now, I just get a sheen or glisten in the morning. I'm also experimenting with my commute. The first week, I got the red line at North Quincy. So, that was $5 per day plus cost of gas. Work subsidizes fare. After a commute home where a drunk/crazy/mentally ill guy took out 2 people by falling and landed in a poor screaming lady's lap next to me, I started rethinking things. 

This week, I have been walking to a bus stop and catching the commuter rail at Quincy Center. This is my first time using the bus and I'm really impressed! On-time, friendly, clean, and I always get a seat. The commuter rail is fast and I can occasionally get a seat. The title of this post is from overhearing a lady on the train. It was good to hear someone else comment on ALL THE WALKING! I've been walking to South Station now for the evening commute. Quincy Center does not regularly have commuter rail stops but there are 3 lines going through: Greenbush, Lakeville/Middleborough, and Kingston. It's cool, very flexible, and slightly confusing. Too many options.