Whatever Happened To...

Over the years, I have wound up falling in love with products that ultimately disappear from stores.


Back in the 90's I was addicted to St. Ives' haircare products. My favorites were their mint deep conditioner - you could get a packet for $1 or buy a full bottle with a pump. And I also loved the pear shampoo and conditioner. They were perfect for fine hair and smelled awesome. Some of their hair products are still sold online on sketchy sites like the one where I found the picture below. What happened? They do skincare so well, haircare makes sense! They had a quality product priced fine.


Since I was a Buffy fan, once Sarah Michelle Gellar became Maybelline's spokesperson, I became a big fan of their makeup. My absolute favorite product was their lip express lip pencil. It was a lip liner and/or a lip crayon. Combine it with a clear gloss, you'd be all set for the day. Seriously, it last FOREVER! In my quest to create this blog entry, I found that there's a site that sells makeup including discontinued lines: buymebeauty.com. Hallelujah!

Horrendous Day

I thought this week would go really well at work. I was using all my new techniques to pay attention to details. I wore a white shirt yesterday and didn't get a single stain. Everything seemed to be going well. That is until around noon today.

My off-site boss wanted to talk to me about a report I sent him. This is the boss who yells, interrupts me, and is overall not so fun to interact with. So, I always call him with a pit of dread in my stomach. He asked me to explain, "This mess... I don't know where to begin..." So, that started everything out swimmingly. He started listing a litany of things that he found wrong with the report. I tried to explain to him how I had arrived at my calculations but he kept interrupting me. Basically, I wound up silently weeping on the phone as he didn't listen to me and kept saying, "Why didn't you do X. This is what you're supposed to do." Once I was able to get off the phone, I had a good bathroom cry - even though it was pointless because everyone had seen me crying.

I wasn't crying over criticism. I can handle getting criticized if I mess something up. I was crying because I am so frustrated with this assignment. My on-site boss is never around. I have no resources to ask questions or learn anything. I am given projects with no background and no opportunity to ask for guidance. My off-site boss prefers yelling, scolding, and interrupting as his method of communication. All the tricks I have in my hat to learn, manage,and work have been used up and I'm at my wits end.

Co-workers are so specialized, it's hard to ask them questions without wasting my time and theirs. Keeping multiple lists and managing emails still doesn't help me understand a method/reporting structure completely new to me. I thought my work had been getting better with all the effort and attention I've been focusing on it lately. But nope! I still suck.

I Am Easily Entertained

With this being his first week in office, I like to invent captions for pictures of President Obama.


"Please stop blowing the crap out of each other. If you don't stop, I'll turn Gaza over to Disney."
or
"Can you please adjust the heat in here?"


"Is there anyone out there who DOESN'T want a bailout?"
or
"So, you're telling me aliens do exist and will hold the planet hostage?"

Dewey Cox Love

I have a new favorite comedy. If this is on TV while I flip channels, I always stop and watch it. If you are a fan of musician biopics, like Ray or Walk the Line, you'd love this comedy. I didn't love Talledega Nights and thought John C. Reilly was the weak link. But after this movie, I'm revising that opinion.

This is a really self aware dumb comedy that rips off almost every biopic. Traumatic death in childhood? Check. Disability from that trauma? Check. Childhood sweetheart wife? Check and played by the awesome Kristin Wiig. Meeting famous musicians? Check - you'll die laughing over the Beatles. Lots of helpful Jewish managers? Check - versteh. Drugs? Check and probably the funniest running joke in the movie. Various zoo animal pets? Check. The movie is endlessly quotable too.

The DVD commentary is not chock full of laughs but it is definitely interesting. For example, Justin Long can impersonate every Beatle. Who knew? My brother told me that the deleted scenes are pure gold. Plus, the ending of the movie is actually incredibly good! Most comedies peter out with a lot of obvious jokes but this one combines comedy and a surprising sweetness in the end.

Quadriceps to the Rescue

Somehow over the past week, I screwed up my left knee. I knew it was wobbly and sore last week after my personal trainer had me do a lot of exercises with hopping. Nothing bad happened between then and Monday night but all of a sudden I had this awful stabbing pain in my left knee when I tried to crouch, use the stairs, or even lift my leg. When I got home, I inspected my knee - hello swollen! Since I am basically an expert on knee injuries, I went through the usual knee injury routine for the next few days. Today is so much better!

What is my magical routine? First off, I make sure I get a lot of calcium and vitamin C - which is good for cartilage. Then, I made sure to exercise my knee in a non-weight bearing manner. I sat on the edge of my bed and did leg lifts. I did those at work as well. Also, when I was lying down I pressed my leg into the mattress while tightening my quad. The quad muscle is basically the savior for any knee problem so work it! Plus, with a knee injury, sensible footwear is important. You need something with good arch support and shock absorption. So, I wore sneakers every single day. Finally, I did RICE: rest, ice, compression, and elevation. My knee isn't perfect but it is feels a lot better now.

What do I think happened to my knee? I know it isn't dislocated. I've done that 4 times in my life so I can definitely tell. My knee makes a grinding noise and the pain I feel is in the front interior. I think I pinched/crushed my meniscus with the hopping exercises and maybe stepped funny in our weekend snowstorm that made the knee worse. I have done that before too. What can I say? My knees suck. The treatment last time was my orthopedist with no warning jabbing a needle of something under my kneecap. Whatever it was, it made my knee better. Yeah, I prefer my home treatments this time around.

Once Again, Rolling Stone Hits it Out of the Park

In a recent issue of Rolling Stone, they published this article from economist Paul Krugman. Even if you aren't knowledgeable or interested in economics, it has a lot of sound advice. I'd like to comment on a couple points.

- Unemployment. So why does full employment occur when the unemployment rate is 5%? You'd think it would be 0%, right? Think about what 0% would mean. There are no new jobs or people to fill them because everyone would have their own job. So, that's why 5% is full employment - there has to be some flow and wiggle room to allow for advancement and growth in the population. Also, unemployment is only a measure of people collecting benefits and looking for work. If unemployment goes down, it doesn't necessarily mean that a bunch of people found jobs. It could mean that a bunch of people just gave up.

-1980's Fed maneuvers. Yes, the cash injection helped the US back in the 80's. But this is the problem with a lot of economic thought/policy. We are not an island economically. There is an entire global market out there. You know what our policies in the 80's did to Latin America? Drove countries bankrupt, devalued their currency and effed them over. So, whatever we do now to fix our economy, we have to be mindful of the global effect.

- Don't confuse nation economics with household economics. As a breadwinner and head of household, all we focus on is reducing debt, savings, and having cash leftover each month. That is our personal tunnel vision - cash flow. Our country is not our household. Our country is more like a bank (ironic I know). Taking on debt isn't the end of the world as long as it can be pumped into something that is an asset or can pay back. The US has taken on debt to pay for wars and bail out banks in the past 8 years. Are those assets? Banks should be... Sometimes, taxing and spending is the only thing a government can do to dig the country out of a hole.

The Brain, The Spiral, and The Pit

Over the past couple of months, I have realized that my personal training sessions are basically 80% workout and 20% talk therapy. My personal trainer even remarked on how his role is such a combination of things to different people.

I have tried talk therapy for years - basically ever since I graduated from Umass. I stopped seeing my therapist back in 2007 due to issues coordinating appointments and my job. I really loved my therapist. She understood me and helped me a lot to get out of my own head when the bad thought spiral starts. When I first started seeing her in 2002, back when my life was such a total mess, I actually made her cry. I felt two things: like I should win a prize and "Oh shit my life really is so awful I can make therapists cry."

This is my fourth year on anti-depressants. I am taking 20mg of Celexa, which is a SSRI. It basically marinates my synapses with seratonin. It is the first and only anti-depressant I've tried. I know, I am totally lucky! The side effects are barely noticeable. Now, that I am medicated, I am basically a walking PSA on mental health. It was horrible and a relief to finally admit that I needed help. I also learned that a lot of my preconceptions/prejudices were wrong. If you are on the right medication, you aren't a zombie who can't be happy or sad. It's more like you have a net when you get sad and /or your emotions have been baby-proofed - no sharp corners all rubber.

I read this article with a lot of interest. Wow, I had no idea that depression was first believed to be a type of self-punishment! I like the revised theory by Beck because that is very similar to what I have experienced. It is so easy to have the negative self-talk spiral out of control. I don't know how I feel about the whole idea of a blue gene. I am on board with depression being genetic but being "hyperactive to negative experiences" implies that there is a normal acceptable range for emotions - which I don't like. And which negative experience should I pick as THE CAUSE for my depression? Abusive childhood? A stroke at age 24? If I read on, it mentions an underactive prefontal cortex as another possible cause for depression. So yeah, that makes me pick my stroke since my frontal lobe was hit. In summary, this article makes me think that I am predisposed to depression through genes and I had one really awful experience that pushed me over to full-blown depression.

The other night, I wound up getting my personal trainer upset a bit. I was talking about how getting help for my depression has been the best thing ever. That I don't have to walk around with this black pit that doesn't allow me to fully enjoy life. That I've gotten out of the spiral of noticing everything that went wrong when something great happens. Seeing how my words were getting to him, I also mentioned that my doctor prescribed me my anti-depressants. Because man if it's money or time that is holding you back from getting help, get help another way.

Another Snowy Weekend

I had to relocate my car Sunday 8AM due to the snow emergency in Waltham. We had already gotten a good 6 inches of snow by then. The local pd also ticketed my car for overnight parking. Every year, the police department targets us poor schmucks who only have on-street parking for tickets. Some people get all up in arms and refuse to pay. That was me 6 years ago. Now, I just shrug and pay the $15. $15 once a year isn't too bad.

This morning I had my preconceptions of a neighbor completely up-ended. He had been the independently wealthy rage-aholic in my mind due to a couple observations over the years. Now, I know I was totally wrong. He saw me carefully walking to my car (parked blocks away) and he offered me a ride! How cool is that? I found out what his job is and we had a nice chat. I got into work early thanks to him. I think the next time I go on a baking spree, I will make a batch for him. This is the same neighbor who clued me into a better parking lot for snow emergencies. I love nice people! Now, I know he isn't independently wealthy and doesn't have anger issues. Life is good peeps.

It looks like Waltham got at least 12 inches from this recent storm.

Very Cool

Rosa Sat, so Martin could march
Martin marched, so Barack could run
Barack ran, so all our children can fly*










*NPR 1:30PM Saturday 1/17/09

In Which I Yell at My TV Saying "Bullshit!"

Okay, I got hooked on watching Private Practice from watching a marathon over the holidays. I know it's crap, I know I shouldn't expect much from the writing or acting. But last night's episode was such a load of bullshit I cannot stay quiet.

So, Violet winds up sleeping with two men and she has moral quandaries. Over a while she comes into her doctor friend's office to confess and to say that she can't stop peeing and it hurts. What grown woman doesn't know what a UTI is? For christ's sake her character is supposed to be in her 40's and has a medical degree. When I was 5, I could have diagnosed her.

In the ironies of ironies as she's getting her pelvic exam she talks about how the guys in the office can sleep with as many women as they want and get high fives. Gee, what an incisive comment on sexism about sexual behavior men vs. women. Cut to the next time teaser - guess what? Violet is pregnant. WTF? So I guess the writers felt they were doing their penance in that one throwaway line before they decided to punish the whore. What's next? Wearing a scarlet letter? I seriously doubt this show is run by a woman. I bet Shonda Rhimes is a pseudonym for Mel Gibson/Bill O'Reilly etc.

Nerd Alert!

Tonight Battlestar Galactica premieres for its final season! We left them on a desolate irradiated Earth and we still don't know who's the 5th cylon from the Final Five. My guess is that the 5th cylon has been on Earth the whole time. And all the myths about Earth were basically a distress call that got convoluted over time and space. If I'm wrong, I wouldn't be too upset. But, if Starbuck is a cylon, I will throw something at the TV! It's way too obvious and dumb. I'd prefer that she's one of Lords of Kobol reborn. Oooh, another idea for the 5th cylon is the baby of Tigh and Six!

Anyways I'm looking forward to tonight and am dreading the episode where they kill Laura Roslin.

Tiny Violin

Thank goodness for perspective, working out endorphins, and marinating my brain in serotonin.

First off, today was not that bad. I was initially upset but after my bathroom cry, I started to think about the feedback about asking questions is not taking ownership of projects. That is kinda right in this situation. It's like I am a spoiled kid who knows that I don't have to do X if I ask Mommy or Daddy enough questions. Hell, I was hired to lessen the workload for my bosses and most of the time I wind up roping them into some aspect of my reporting duties. I think it's because I don't feel confident and have my brain on standby so I'm not learning. All of these thoughts occurred in the bathroom stall. Bathrooms are amazing, no?

When I got back to my desk, I started to figure out what I can own project-wise and I tried to avoid contacting my boss for mundane questions. Seriously folks, if I look at my sent folder I email my boss at least 3 times an hour. RIDICULOUS! The perfect opportunity for ownership came up when I was contacted by AP informing me that a check request I had sent missed the weekly check run so it would take another week to cut. That check is due Monday so while I was internally freaking out, I asked the AP lady what I could do to expedite the check. My first impulse after I hung up was to email my boss. Did I? No. I went ahead and got the check expedited on my own. Boo-yeah!

I know it's kinda late in the game to figure out how to balance work and asking for help since this assignment will be over within 2 months, but I like the challenge. I can think up lists of things for myself to own. Hell, I can use what I learned here for my next assignment!

Words Cannot Describe...

...how crappy today has been at work. I got yelled at for asking too many questions because apparently asking questions is a disguise for not taking ownership of projects. Next job assignment please!

Good Winter Reads

Last year, a friend introduced me to Linda Fairstein's Alexandra Cooper murder mysteries. I'm normally not into that genre of book however, I do love my Law & Order and am a former history major. Why does that matter with these books? Well, because the entire series follows a New York DA and throughout each book you learn a great nugget of NYC history. The only thing I regret is that I started the series totally out of order. I started with Death Dance (lots of info on NYC arts scene throughout the ages), then read Bad Blood (learned about the city water tunnels and felt really claustrophobic), and then moved onto Entombed (one of my favorites - learned a ton about Edgar Allen Poe).

I just finished Cold Hit. I thought it was pretty good and there were so many red herrings that I couldn't guess who the murderer was. I also liked how the Gardner museum heist got numerous mentions - woohoo local crime! Now, I'm starting Final Jeopardy. The funny thing about her books are that they are tough to start because you're always given a ton of background into the DA's office and NYPD inner workings and a random rape trial that never gets mentioned again. But once you get through the first couple of chapters, you seriously can't put the book down. I gasp out loud and say, "Ooh!" as I read. The one part I really hate is the lame damsel in distress bits. The main character always has to be chased or threatened at gunpoint in each book. By the last book, she better have signed up for self defense lessons or have a gun!

Don't Talk Behind My Back Mmmkay?

Why? Because I have super hearing (unless you talk in the dog whistle range)! I just got back from an awesome ENT appointment. Yes, the same appointment that I have been dreading for days. I was basically preparing myself to have sudden idiopathic hearing loss. But what do I have? Perfectly healthy ears with clear eustachians and that whoosing sound I hear is tinnitus. Basically, since I am losing the upper range of my hearing the ear just makes a noise due to that loss. No big deal. No weird medication. I'm totally fine. Also, steroids kick ass for blocked tubes! La, la laaa

I'd like to list and describe 3 things that I've accomplished in 2008 that meant something to me and why are they important.

1. Survived 8 months of contract work/unemployment. I seriously couldn't have gotten through it without the help and support of my friends and family.

2. I've gotten back to the gym. I haven't lost any weight yet but my blood pressure and measurements have been positively impacted!

3. I finally went camping. I am so happy that I actually do like nature and can stand being away from civilization for a spell. But I didn't like the lack of ATM's... I'd like to learn how to tie several knots now.

I Love Being Unique

For fun I ran my name through this site and got the following results:
- There are 672,265 people in the U.S. with my first name.
- There are fewer than 336 people in the U.S. with my last name. Actually, I know that there are only 10 with my last name. Possibly 11 because I have a family member who tends to switch around last names.
- There are 1 or fewer people in the U.S. with my full name. Woohoo!

Just Kill Me Now

You know how I want to move? Well, yet another reason to get outta here is that I suspect that my gas oven has a leak and is slowly killing me. Did I mention that it's a gas oven without a hood or ventilation? As a cheapskate compromise, my landlord bought those gas meters that look like smoke alarms a couple years ago. It constantly goes off if it's hot outside or if I'm cooking on the stove top and reads over 200 ppm of gas.

My ear is still screwed up though it got marginally better on steroids so I have to go to an ENT doctor next week. I always dread those appts because they either do something that hurts or something that makes me so dizzy I want to vomit. But on the up side, after over a month with a plugged right ear, I will be closer to some kind of resolution!

Work absolutely sucks now because I work in finance and all the managers/controllers were gone for the holidays so this week is for churning out as many reports as possible. Oh and also, hopefully those reports won't make your division look bad because being employed is nice. All that stress and anxiety just rolls down to me, a lowly temp. It doesn't matter that I can see that the manager is freaking out because they have a year of completely fucking up to deal with, I still have to suffer in silence. Today, I had a controller hang up on me and one of my supervisors get really pissed at me (for something that isn't even my fault). So, I left early and wound up calling some lady in Walgreens a bitch. Yup, shit rolls down the hill.