47 Days

Work has been going very well. I've gotten up to speed enough that I can do some regular tasks and can lighten the workload from my fellow analysts. I am very happy and look forward to work most days. I am one of 3 analysts plus a senior analyst. Basically, we control and update all personnel data in Peoplesoft running reports for benefits,compensation, job structure, and EEO requests. I'm getting heavily trained in benefits which I've really enjoyed. Now those paycheck deductions make a lot more sense to me!

I was able to settle into a commute that gives my knees a break and allows a bit of flexibility. I drive to a Greenbush commuter stop 6 miles away. I just need my car involved in my commute. It helps me feel more productive and in control. The walking to the bus routine with the walking downtown had me wrapping and icing my knees at night. Plus, I found out that I get nauseous standing on a moving bus. So commuter rail is win win for me. I usually get a seat in the mornings. Also how awesome is it that there's an app for parking? No more tightly folded $1 bills. And the T on Time app is really handy for South Station track information. Sometimes relying on recognizing conductors isn't the best option. 

It's funny, I did not realize how my last job was such a poor fit until this job. Waking up without a pit of dread in my stomach is so nice. Getting learning disability accomodations was painless and I have been completely supported. Maybe because now I work in HR people understand how to work with people who need accomodations? At my last job, as an accountant, I was told I wasn't trying hard enough if I had trouble understanding something and I was penalized in my performance review for learning difficulties. In this job, if I say, "Okay I visualize X as an umbrella..." I have co-workers who tell me that's a good way to think of it and run with the visualization! That makes my heart sing.

I am the oldest in our little analyst group so it's a fun mix of me having more professional experience but lacking in specific job knowledge. Like I know how to compose an appropriate mass email, create a report with multiple ways to doublecheck the data, and can translate contract language into calculations. But how to troubleshoot that at my new job is where my fellow analysts come in. Heck, I am still learning the data fields in the foundation tables!

The only downside of being so happy is that it makes me friendly to strangers on the T. Which conflicts with the whole city rule "Don't talk to crazy." Thursday morning, I saw an older man being packed into the crush of everyone around the door area. He had a backpack on and was kinda in the way. I noticed there was an empty seat and told him "Sir, there's an empty seat over there." Then he replied with some crazy ramblings about my eagle eyes and how he's taking a sculpture class while heavily breathing on my neck. Next, I felt something hit me right in between my shoulder blades. It felt as hard and forceful as a kick or punch. The wind was knocked out of me and I gasped, "You hurt me." A nice guy allowed me to switch places with him to get away from Mr. Crazy Sculpture Man. I don't even know what happened but it hurt for a little over a day. I'll save my happy talking to sane people I know from now on. On the T, you won't even get eye contact or a smile from me.

City Legs

I started my new job Downtown September 8. The weather was gorgeous and I had the best first day outfit. I had planned out my route on the T. What I didn't plan for was the bowels of hell heat at Park Street and how completely out of shape I was. Working in the suburbs can turn you soft as you sit in traffic and sit in your cubicle with the biggest walk you have is to the conference room. A sweaty face is fine but I have this weird sweat spigot in my neck hairline. No, I didn't take a shower, that's sweat thanks.

It was nice to have something else to worry about my first week. Which was really great. I like the people I work with and it felt like coming home the first time I logged into their Peoplesoft system. I had a lot of training and it's great how patient and open people are with my questions. Bitter aside -my old job looks like breaking rocks in a gulag compared to this new one.

The sweat problem has gotten much better after four days. Now, I just get a sheen or glisten in the morning. I'm also experimenting with my commute. The first week, I got the red line at North Quincy. So, that was $5 per day plus cost of gas. Work subsidizes fare. After a commute home where a drunk/crazy/mentally ill guy took out 2 people by falling and landed in a poor screaming lady's lap next to me, I started rethinking things. 

This week, I have been walking to a bus stop and catching the commuter rail at Quincy Center. This is my first time using the bus and I'm really impressed! On-time, friendly, clean, and I always get a seat. The commuter rail is fast and I can occasionally get a seat. The title of this post is from overhearing a lady on the train. It was good to hear someone else comment on ALL THE WALKING! I've been walking to South Station now for the evening commute. Quincy Center does not regularly have commuter rail stops but there are 3 lines going through: Greenbush, Lakeville/Middleborough, and Kingston. It's cool, very flexible, and slightly confusing. Too many options.

Come Back, We'll Rummage

I know there are many articles and talking heads out there who have addressed Robin Williams' death better than I, but I need to write about this as someone who deals with Depression on a daily basis.

The thing is I know the list of despairing lies that went through Robin's mind towards the end. Actually, there are millions of people out there who know because we fight them every single day. Some days we have nice thick armor and boxing gloves to fight back. Other days it takes so much effort to get out of bed, we have no protection or tools to fight the lies. Also, you learn a way to deal with Depression then your illness adapts finding new weaknesses. You are very lucky if you're able to spot what is going on before it gets you in a Death Grip.

I have tried to kill myself several times. I have been in therapy off and on since 2001. I have been on medication since 2005. I used to have a drinking problem as a way to self medicate before I was officially diagnosed. The absolute worst depressive episode I had was after my stroke. The way I see that time is that I was stuck in a dark tunnel where I could not see anything. I started fantasizing about being hospitalized. Not the sane reality hospital with lots of machines, wires, pain, and fear. No the fantasy hospital that allows people to completely leave their lives getting away from all their worries and stress. 

One day, driving home I was indulging in that fantasy and a voice deep inside me said, "Wait a minute, you have been in hospitals and it was horrible." I had to pull into a parking lot and just sob. As I was freaking out about what was going on with me, I realized that I had stopped taking my blood thinners for weeks. You know, the one medication that would prevent a second stroke. This is how a major depressive episode works. It isn't several conscious decisions, it's the circle of despairing lies and your subconscious sabotaging you.

Depression is an illness just like diabetes or liver failure but the public sees it as a personal failing and something to be ashamed of. That misconception is so insidious and evil because if you have Depression, the despairing lies always poke you with "You're so weak" or "Why can't you just feel better?" Public perception feeds and echoes Depression. I have a theory why the perception is so screwed up. America was founded by people who believed if you work hard, you will be rewarded. Plus, Americans brought over their religions and culture. I do not know a single culture in the 1700's or 1800's that had a compassionate approach to mental illness. We have a come a long way on social issues but not that far on mental health.

Robin Williams' death is horrible because it is so familiar. A tremendously talented loved person was felled by an illness we still whisper about. I would like to scream about this burden, shake people by their shoulders, and find some zillionaire to help fund mental health services nationwide (since our government won't). Depression isn't a first world problem afflicting the weak or lazy minded. It's your mom. Your brother. Your child. Once we stop othering the mentally ill, maybe those demons telling us just to end it all will be weaker.

Guardians of the Galaxy Review [SPOILERS]

I saw the movie this morning and overall it is fantastic. I am definitely going to see it again. I heard that 3D wasn't that good except for the long space shots. I would say the movie is good for 8 year olds and above: shit, asshole, subtle masturbation joke, cartoon violence with little gore. There is a dying/dead mother storyline that could be tough for little ones. 

The Good

The soundtrack - if you like 70's and 80's rock, you will adore the music in this movie. It is actually a plot point so enjoy the meta.

CGI characters - if you told me twenty years ago pixels would make me cry, I would say you're crazy. Seriously, Groot and Rocket Raccoon steal the whole movie!

Heart - this isn't a movie about heroes or winners who are amazing at everything they try. It's just a bunch of messed up folk who wind up doing the right thing. There is also a bit of hope mixed into the pain. I liked the lack of cynicism and cruelty.

Chris Pratt - he is really excellent as Peter Quill. Like a combo of Han Solo, Arthur Dent, and Andy Dwyer. He sells all the notes from comedy to drama.

Dax the Destroyer/David Bautista - from the commercials, I thought he would just be the head busting tank of the group but he was surprisingly funny!

Set design/special effects - great locations, amazing spaceships which look so original and vibrant.

MCU connections  - Thanos and The Collector show up so there is a vague web of something going on that ties to the other movies. 

Kosmo!

The Not So Great

Gamora - she has a back story and a lot of dialogue but I didn't really connect with her character.

Ronan - I know Loki is a tough act to follow but this guy is like high drama Darth Vader. I love the actor but maybe he's such a face actor, all the makeup sucked away what he was trying to do. Seriously, how can Lee Pace act without The Eyebrows?

Dialogue - it's great but very fast so I missed chunks of exposition or character moments.

Emotions - if you don't want to cry at a Marvel movie, avoid this. It's tough when right in the beginning you get hit with a huge emotional body slam and that is echoed throughout the entire movie. Groot entirely obliterated me emotionally with his final line. Then there's more sadness! It ends happy but man that roller coaster is very bumpy!

Howard the Duck

In summary, I hope this movie breaks all box office records. Guardians of the Galaxy 2 has been green lit which needs to end pointing them towards Earth so Avengers 3 can be the big team up. Obviously Thanos is trying it collect the Infinity Gems for the Infinity Gauntlet. The tesseract is one, Loki's staff is another gem, the aether from Thor 2 is the third, and in this movie we see the fourth. But is The Collector trying to stop Thanos or is he working for someone else? I hope in Guardians 2 Peter will meet his father.

I GOT A JOB!!!

I had an interview Tuesday downtown in the 92 degree heat. Speaking of, here are my tips on how to survive that situation:

1. Schedule interview as early in the morning as possible

2. Check out the interview location on google maps and identify the closest Dunkin Donuts.

3. Use a messenger/laptop bag.

4. Pack a T-shirt, sneakers, water bottle, and damp facecloth in a ziploc bag. Plus resume etc.

5. Dress for a normal interview but try to use breathable fabrics.

6. Get to the interview vicinity an hour early then cool down in a Dunkin Donuts.

7. Interview

8. After interview, change out of interview outfit into sneakers and a T-shirt.

Obviously, these steps are gospel since I got the phone call job offer this morning. In the job search unwritten rule book,  hearing something within the week after an interview means you'll get a rejection. I was gearing myself up for that then the ending of the sentence changed. What I expected:

"Guy and HR lady met after your interview and decided to pursue another candidate."

What happened:

"Guy and HR lady met after your interview and decided to offer you the job."

I am so relieved and happy readers! This was my first interview since June 10 and I had two other interviews lined up next week (if you're looking for analyst jobs, I can give you leads). The job is in a new industry for me, pays more than my last job, and is in HR - a discipline that I had wanted to pursue for years. I have a couple weeks to wait for offer approval, get through a background check, and physical. So, hello stress-free summer vacation! 

So, unemployed people out there, it can happen. You just need time, flexibility, and a lot of support from your family and friends.

Don't Be A Dummy

Remember how we have had basically 8 months of winter? When there was no sun and we were basically indoor creatures. Our skin remembers! Oh yeah, if you started taking a new medication during the 8 months of winter, make sure you check to see if there is a photosensitivity side effect.

I'm talking about all this because I had my first trip to the beach Tuesday. 5 hours of fun. I forgot to reapply sunscreen after two trips in the ocean. I seriously need these babies:

I had a ton of sunscreen in my bag and brought an extra towel so I could dry off before application. But coming prepared does not matter if you're forgetful. Here is my goofy version of the forgetful results:

I've been indoors for two days recovering. It's very lucky that all the burns are on my front and no sun poisoning. My legs were the severest burn to the point where I had trouble standing. Here are some tricks/tips I've learned:

• Take a lukewarm shower to cool off - NO SOAP. Cold shower feels like needles stabbing you.
• Only pat dry
• Drink a lot of fluids
• Those aloe gels cool off the skin but make skin feel really tight
• The absolutely best salve is coconut oil with a couple drops of lavender. The coconut is a great moisturizer and absorbs easily. Lavender seems to cut the pain somehow. I've only used on torso, not face
• For face burns sun lotion works
• Try to sleep only on cotton sheets
• I'm looking for any tips for scalp burns

I think since tomorrow is supposed to be rainy, I will be able to go outside! Thank goodness I'm unemployed because I can't imagine wearing work clothes with this burn... If you have at least one red head in your family and you have freckles, please accept that you will never be a golden brown beach bum and treat the sun like a radiation emitting enemy. Seriously y'all, I'm basically a walking melanoma.

History Nerd Alert

Tomorrow is the 100th anniversary of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria. This murder lead to World War I which lasted four years and lead to deaths of 37 million people. World War Two gets a lot of historical significance and attention (probably because we still have veterans and survivors nowadays). But World War One was basically the first act of a three act war.

The first time I ever became aware of World War One's significance was thanks to this book:

It's the final book in the Anne of Green Gables series and focuses on her youngest daughter. If you didn't cry reading this book, you are dead inside [SPOILER] Walter! Sob![/SPOILER].

The other way I learned about The Great War was thanks to my sophomore year high school history teacher (who was THE BOMB basically why I'm a history major). He had this exercise for the class. We were all broken into five groups/countries. We needed to appoint an ambassador and various government officials. We had a fact sheet on our country. Here's the twist - only our ambassador could communicate with other countries. There were rounds where we got updates on what was going on. We'd have to huddle with our ambassador and give him/her instructions. At the end of class, my country, Freedonia, was part of a tripartite treaty against two other countries then our teacher informed us that we had missed the whole point and had started a world war.  So mutual defense treaties are bad mmmmkay?

At UMass Amherst, I took an amazing course about World War I. The textbook was so good, I never bothered selling it back. The Treaty of Versailles chapter just gave me chills. You know how hindsight is 20/20? Now we know the reparations and punishments against Germany fanned a rage and nationalism that lead to another world war. Apparently back in 1918, ambassadors and leaders knew how vindictive the treaty was. Ferdinand Foch said, "This is not a peace. It is an armistice for twenty years." World War Two started in 1938.

So, how are we doing now? Well, we have NATO and a growing nationalist, right wing, xenophobic movement gaining ground in Europe. It seems like Germany is sane and stable now. Russia looks like it wants to be the new/old Germany. The EU is simultaneously unifying and also pissing people off. The European economic recovery hasn't really stabilized (I blame austerity). It is my hope Europe is old enough and tired enough just to sit out and complain during the next war. They'll let the new kids annihilate themselves.

Confessions of A Liberal

I'm a lazy liberal. My beliefs and attitudes are just what I grew up with. There was never a question about who we were voting for each election, it was always not Republican. I remember walking home from school in first grade debating with my friend Steve about Reagan. I liked Mondale because he had Geraldine Ferraro as a running mate. This weekend highlighted an area where I my liberalness is lacking.

My parents had gay friends when I was growing up and I have many friends who came out after college. So gay rights is a no-brainer for me. Gay is not a foreign scary concept for me. People fall on a Kinsey scale and it isn't my business how they want to define themselves. That takes care of the LBQ community but....

What is foreign/confusing for me is transgender. Just figuring out HOW to talk about that community feels like hopping from sharp stalagmite to stalagmite over a pit of lava. I discovered this gap in my liberal cred thanks to the combination of the new season of Orange is the New Black and the latest episode of Oprhan Black. Orange has the character Sophia played by Laverne Cox. Orphan introduced a character named Tony who was born Antoinette. From some online discussion forums I have learned that "transgendered" or "transexual" are incorrect terms. And posters who even tried to float "shim" or "tranny" were shut down quickly. I also learned that some people aren't transgender but just choose not to gender self-identify. Which was news to me because I had just assumed the women with beards were just in the middle of their transition to some destination gender.

Basically, I have never met a transgender person so I guess this is how a liberal in Montana would feel about gay rights. You understand the mechanics, the psychological aspect, and believe people should just be allowed to be happy but there is a HUGE gap in real world experience. Sub confession, I also get men to women trans a lot more than the opposite way. Maybe it's because men to women transgender is so much more prominent in entertainment? Or I'm just such a feminist, I can't fathom giving womanhood up?

I got into a discussion with a fellow confused person where we talked about if a trans person should reveal their status on a first date. Me being a dummy idealist who thinks love is love believed that could be revealed later. But my friend pointed out the fact that revealing that information could get the person murdered. So what do transgender people do? Is there any hope?

So, here I am a liberal with gaps in my real world experience who just supports a concept, not a person and that bums me out.

What D-Day Means to Me

Seventy years ago, my grandmother was weeping for joy in Budapest.  My father was 11 years old and he had two brothers with one on the way. My family survived World War Two thanks to the Allies and despite the Allies. Hungary was a Nazi aligned country, unfortunately, but my grandparents worked to help their Jewish friends escape death. Yes, civilians in the Axis knew what was going on with the Jewish population.

My family fled Hungary to avoid the Russian "liberation". That liberation killed others in my family. My family fled into Germany.  Very stupid now that we know how things progressed in 1944 Germany. My family survived multiple RAF bombings.  One of my uncle's first memories, as a three year old, is emerging from a bunker to a city burning around him. My family got to Bregenz Austria by V-E day.

I would not be alive if D-Day hadn't happened. Eternal thank you, God bless you, and hashem yevarech otcha. As a child of a World War Two survivor, food and safety were huge concerns growing up. I was a member of the clean plate club because my father was starving in the war. The idea of a bug out bag didn't start with the recent zombie apocalypse fad. No, it began with survivors of a massive worldwide conflict.

One of the reasons I converted to Judaism was thanks to the stories I grew up hearing. Jews weren't seen as The Other. They were seen as fellow survivors with the weird unpronounceable names. When I read the Diary of Anne Frank in third grade and found out she died in Bergen-Belsen, it felt like I had lost a best friend.

Nazi Germany has shaped my origins and my upbringing. I am so grateful and blessed that the Americans landed on Normandy. My family fled a regime that tortured and spied on its citizens. That is why I expect more of America and why I cried when I saw the Abu Ghraib photos. America is the country that has shaped my future. I would hope it's the kind of country that landed on Normandy, not the kind of country that debates whether a soldier is patriotic enough to rescue.

Is It Safe: Adventures in Bad Dentistry

I've had really bad experiences with dentists in my lifetime. The crux of the problem is that I can't get numb with novocaine shots placed in the regular spots. About 7 years ago, I opted to go ahead with a tooth filling even though I could feel everything. I was on my lunch-break and had already wasted an hour for 10 injections that did not numb me enough. That afternoon was all about breathing through the pain and disassociating.

Since then, I've sought out dentists that claimed to cater to people with dental anxiety. Belmont Dental Group was amazing when I lived in Waltham. They could get me numb easily and had very friendly sympathetic staff. Then I moved down to Quincy. I thought I found a similarly inclined dental practice on the South Shore. This morning, I had my most extensive dental work at their practice and I wound up reenacting scenes from Marathon Man.

I thought I would be all set with the 10mg of valium I was prescribed by the dentist. I arrived at my appointment and discovered no one knew what procedure I was having. I thought I was getting a new filling and an old silver filling replaced. I had to persuade 3 people that is what I was getting done. They kept insisting I should get 3 fillings replaced - which would cost me at least $1,000 and I had never discussed or agreed to that. I should have taken this confusion as a sign for how the rest of the morning would go.

Two shots in my lower left jaw and here comes the drill. Guess what? I could feel everything on both teeth. Lots of flailing and tears to get them to stop. Two more shots and a break. I knew I wasn't getting numb enough because I could still feel my lip and tongue. Back with the drill. One tooth wasn't too bad but the filling replacement hurt like a mother fucker but the dentist kept barking at me to keep my mouth open and warned me I would hear/feel grinding. Sweet baby Jesus what was he doing to that tooth? Then he finished - I thought- after waiting 20 minutes to rinse and collect myself I got up to go. Dentist returned and told me I couldn't leave because I had a big hole in my tooth. Ohhkayyy. So more horrendous pain, poking, drilling, and prodding. It turns out I did not have a filling replaced. He drilled through like half my tooth to get a cavity and fill it. NO ONE TOLD ME THIS!

I was spitting out blood for hours afterwards and that half drilled tooth is killing me. I consented to 1 new filling and 1 filling replacement. That did not happen. Anyone know of a good South Shore dentist that can deal with dental anxiety/numb difficulty?

Let Me Help You With the Math

This little girl is four and she feels like a princess.

This four year old has been punched. This little girl has been dragged up stairs and thrown against walls.  This little four year old girl has been told she is a motherfucking bitch. In ten years this girl will attempt suicide.

One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. That girl in the picture is someone  She is not just a statistic.

New Guardians of the Galaxy Trailer!!

Post by Guardians of the Galaxy.

The guardians are:

• Peter Quill
• Gamora
• Drax
• Groot
• Rocket Raccoon

The blue alien guys are Kree (might look familiar if you watch Agents of Shield). The police/military people are Nova Corp. And that awesome floating space skull/space station is Knowhere. Here's a nice interview with Chris Pratt, who plays Peter Quill. I have not read a single Guardian comic and I'm a woman but it needs to be August 1 NOW!

Bullseye Target Feels

This week has been a struggle.  I think it's a combination of things.  

I went out to Western Massachusetts Sunday and Monday to visit my brother.  There's something about the Pioneer Valley that just makes everything better. I lived there for four years, succeeded at everything I tried, and made lifelong friends. Driving west on the Pike when 84 splits off I can feel a blanket of stress lift off me.  I had an awesome time out there. Monday night I drove back home. To my shitty life of failure.

I am waiting to hear about four jobs I interviewed for.  Two are full-time permanent and two are temp. For a job search sometimes no news is good news and not following up is just a way to avoid rejection. I get excited when I get an interview, imagine my life with the job, do the interview, thank you letters, and....nothing. I know I should focus on the positive of four interviews.

Two weeks ago I had a horrendous meeting with a employee training center representative.  According to her, my resumé is horrible but I'm doing everything right in my job search. She loved to point out how my "hit rate" is so poor considering my application volume. Then she gave me a bunch of encouraging tips on how to handle interviews and rejections. It was a very bipolar appointment. "Oh the document I have been sending out everywhere is complete shit?" but "I am doing everything I'm supposed to do." "My hit rate is a pathetic 5%." but "I need to think of jobs I did not get as I did not fit the company not that there's something wrong with me." Whiplash much?

This morning I had a panic attack thinking about being forced to give up my cats. When you're low, your mind just drifts to dark upsetting places.  Like when I heard MERS is in the US, I thought, "Huh, that wouldn't be too bad." Struggling to breathe is preferable to struggling to find work. Watching Captain America again, I thought to myself "Half my former co-workers were probably Hydra." 

I know I should shut the hell up and get to work at Dunkins. Or I just like wallowing/victimhood since my situation is a ton better than others. I'm not on the street, not struggling for food, and not alone. And yet...

The Numbers

89 days unemployed.  Registered with 8 staffing firms. 209 job applications. 8 job interviews.

My Dream Wedding

I have been in 5 weddings (3 bridesmaids, 1 maid of honor, and 1 flower girl gigs).  So, I have some informed opinions.  Here is the wedding I'd want:

1. Mad-libs vows.  Imagine "Love is hairy love is blue." 
2. Indian food for the reception
3. The first dance will be NIN's "Closer"
4. And we exchange the bracelets below:

Superheroes, Comic Books, and Movie Magic

When I was little I watched these:





I was Wonder Woman for Halloween when I was four.  I didn't even know there were comic books and I was a girl so getting into DC or Marvel comics didn't interest me.  The only comics I got into were for Robotech.  I was a huge geek growing up and I missed an aspect of geek culture.

Now, it is seriously The Age of the Geek and I am loving playing catch up as an adult!  If I have any questions, I go here or here.  Like who the hell is Ultron or Thanos since they'll be the Big Bads in future Avengers movies?

Iron Man got me into the comics universe and then The Avengers sealed the deal.  It was genius to have Joss Whedon direct and casting Mark Ruffalo as Bruce Banner was perfect.  Of course I have gushed over Loki/Tom Hiddleston.  Then, I kept hearing good things about Arrow on CW.  The first season is on Netflix streaming so I caught up.  It was pretty good and opened up an entire universe of new superheroes.  Marvel Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. came to ABC.  It's okay and I like the weekly Marvel dose.  Skye is annoying but Fitz and Simmons are awesome.

I had no idea there were two superhero comic companies:  Marvel and DC.  And in theory, X-Men takes place in the same universe as The Avengers.  But due to movie studio BS,

We get two sets of Quicksliver and the Scarlet Witch.  In my opinion, the top pair, Avengers, looks a lot better.  The new Captain America movie opens nationwide today.  I thought the first movie wasn't very good.  A decent origin story but really boring and hacky.



Captain America:  The Winter Soldier is really head and shoulders better than Captain America: The First Avenger.  The action sequences are amazing and the story is gripping.  Plus, there are a lot of surprise cameos!  It's a huge movie too.  It doesn't feel like a dinky spin-off movie like some of the Iron Man or Thor movies felt like.  It was so good, I want to see it again.  Also, make sure you stick around for two end credit scenes.

Now, there are two more upcoming movies to geek out over



If you love the music, it's two pieces 1)The movie Sunshine's track "The Surface of the Sun" and 2)The Thin Red Line's track "Journey to the Line".

and

This is going to be an awesome summer!

Why Were You Unemployed?

Believe it or not, I was asked that question on a job interview.  I have two things to discuss about this and I promise I will stop writing about this recent bout of joblessness. Even I'm getting bored with it!

First off, how does one explain to a hiring manager what the job market has been like for the past six years?  I temped at companies that had hiring freezes or huge rounds of lay-offs in the banking industry, consumer goods, and healthcare.  Was there an industry 2008 to present that did not have workforce reductions and still was hiring?  Did I lose the magical compass that pointed True Employment? My MBA degree got me interviews but did not open up employment options.  For three years I was a temp. How do I answer a question that implies there's something wrong with me and ignores what was going on in the job market?

Secondly, how can a fully functioning human being be so clueless?  Yes, I'm sure it must be nice in your cushy job that you've had for a decade.  Maybe you noticed there isn't a receptionist anymore at work or there are new faces in accounting every couple of months.  The office supplies closet is really dwindling and your health plan's deductible has doubled.  You don't listen to NPR and when you watch the news, the unemployed are Those People. The lazy, uneducated who would rather suckle at the government teat than earn a living.  Or, on the flip side, you are scared to death that you could lose your job so you stick your head in the sand.  If you meet one of Those People, you have to blame them for their joblessness because if it isn't their fault, whose is it?  That scares you.

I didn't get the job where that question was asked. I have to figure out an appropriate response to that question now because apparently that is still a question in MOTHER FUCKING TWO THOUSAND AND FOURTEEN.

Thank you.

Welcome to the Flat Circle

28 days unemployed.  7 job rejections out of 97 job applications.  4 job interviews.  3 staffing agencies.

I had a second interview booked tomorrow morning for a job that felt like a great fit.  I had just pulled together my interview outfit and was prepping for the interview when I got an email saying that the position is no longer available.  That is manager speak that they gave the job to the CFO's nephew.

It is getting tough to keep positive lately.  I know it's really easy to buy into the idea that I have a huge kick me sign on my back for the universe's pleasure.  I've been playing with the idea of moving or completely opting out of the corpo-economic gang bang.  4 rounds of unemployment in 7 years does that to a person.

Now it feels like when I'm down, the hole has gotten a lot deeper.  What helped me snap out of it today was this board. There are people on there who are hurting a lot worse than I.  A couple are considering suicide.  I still have a roof over my head and options if I need to move.  I also have unemployment benefits until Jan. 2015.  My only dependents are two cats. So, reading about others suffering does help snap me out of self pity.

What got me up to a functioning human being was watching this and a bunch of his other interviews.  I'm still hoping that I'll have some kind of income when there's sunshine an it's 70 degrees out.

Entering Week Three

Unemployment in the dead of winter could be incredibly depressing and yes I've had those days where I don't get out of bed.  But on my good days, I have been able to register with three staffing firms, had two full-time permanent job interviews, and am set up with an outplacement agency.  That creates glimmers of hope on the horizon.  I'm also really lucky to have a severance package so money panic isn't too high right now.  It will kick in around May if nothing has panned out.

Right now, I am focusing on finding a full-time permanent accounting/finance position.  I was a Staff Accountant this past year and the years before that I was a Financial Analyst.  Just give me a desk, an ERP system, and loads of data in Excel, I'd be happy.  Since I've been laid off from huge corporations three times, I'm looking at start-ups, non-profits, or higher ed as possibilities.  I'm also thinking of setting up Microsoft Excel training through a couple local charities for job seekers. It will be something to do and will keep me sharp.

On the bad days, my thinking goes to really dark places like how I can't envision a future for myself. Basically feeling like if I can't work, I'll be in my fifties on the streets. I also wonder if it was easier to lay me off since I self identified as disabled.  The other day, a guy offered me money to blow him (oh Quincy, I love thee) and I said no since it isn't May yet.  I kid!  I kid!

It is interesting to notice what I enjoy/respond to changing now that my life is in flux.  I don't think it's a coincidence that I devoured two seasons of House of Cards.  Come on, if I was Frank Underwood I would not have been laid off. Two other people would be and there might be a dead body somewhere.  

When I saw the play Coriolanus, my crush on Tom Hiddleston could not alleviate my disgust for Coriolanus the character. Ugh, if he mentioned his wounds one more time... Actually, I don't know if that's a combination of Tom doing a great acting job and me being a plebeian newbie wanting her grain.  It is a great production BTW and you can still see it in the U.S.

I do have to say my friends and family have really rallied around me which helps my spirits and broadens my network with job leads.  Feeling like a connected human being not a patient with the unemployment plague makes me a better interviewee at least!  The cats are loving having me home so much.  There is a lot more snuggling nowadays.  I'm getting through my Netflix queue as well (Bad Milo - dumb, Drinking Buddies - good but not fulfilling, and Crystal Fairy - really good).  The apartment is cleaner.

Make Ourselves Miserable or Make Ourselves Strong

I had an epiphany today.  For the last couple of years, I've had to deal with chronic pain from the car accident injuries.  I had trouble with daily tasks and went to physical therapy 3 times to address the muscular skeletal issues.

Guess what I did today?  I shoveled a good third of my apartment's driveway.  I am not lying prone on a heating pad or popping pain pills.  Sure, I'm sore but I'm not this fragile pain-wracked shell anymore.  I made sure I was smart about the shoveling and man it's so nice to be surprised by your own strength!

Hmmm... could that become a metaphor for my current job situation?  Yesterday was the day I let myself cry and feel emotions about the lay-off.  I got two phone calls from recruiters yesterday and since I was in my feely space, I wound up crying on the phone with them.  One gentleman was quite simply amazing.  He told me that it's okay to be upset and that I have an amazing background with a lot of experience.   I told him that I needed that recorded so I could play it on repeat and thanked him for his kind words. I have an interview with him tomorrow.  The human touch helps so much in these situations!

And since I am a numbers gal, I find a lot of comfort in analysis.  So, I developed a breakdown of my days of employment versus unemployment by company since my first lay-off in 2007.  The most recent is on top.

So, from the above you can see I have two recent jobs that have lasted for quite some time (with the 63 day blip in between).  And the most recent span of unemployment is just two months that happened in 2012.  So, the job market is probably not back at 2005 levels but there is improvement and you can see it from my experiences.  

I'll weather this latest challenge and let's say my goal is to land a job that lasts more than 611 days?  Since my body can heal and get stronger, my career can too!

Same Song, Different Verse

This morning I was laid off from my job due to a departmental reorganization.  All of us knew that there would be changes happening in our department.  From what I understood, the focus was outsourcing functions and moving people around.  The general timeline was April for when the big changes would happen.  I was the only person laid off today but my manager let me know that more will come.

Of course I'm shocked and upset.  But I was given a nice severance package so the panic isn't too severe.  Also, I am coming off of a year as a full-time permanent employee so I don't look like this unhirable temping flake. As part of the severance package, I will have 3 months of outplacement counseling.  I am going to make full use of that!  My health benefits run out at the end of the month and then I have the option to use COBRA.

I also have to say, being let go at this company was handled really well.  My direct supervisor is new to his role so I dealt with his manager who I had worked with often.  She actually cried as we discussed next moves so that made me feel weirdly better.  Also, rather than have me say goodbye in people's cubicles, she brought people in one by one to an empty conference room so I could say goodbye.  I really appreciated that and some people were more upset than me!  The manager also helped me pack up my cubicle.  So, I left the company feeling sad but very supported emotionally.

My plan is for the next two days to be my recovery period - let myself cry, freak out, and get angry.  Then, it's time to work on getting a new job!  How is the market out there?  I've been out for two years.

The Person Who Tells

When a tragedy happens to an individual, there is someone in their life who is The Person Who Tells.  He/she spreads the word and any updates.  Being that person is part ego trip and part anxiety release.

There is a feeling of importance as you somberly tell others, "X died" or "Y is in the hospital."  The thrill of morbid gossip watching reactions.  Of course there is that underlying fear of if that happened to him, it could happen to me!  So, the more details you have, the safer you feel.  Oh, they fell.  The family has a history of [condition].

I used to really enjoy being The Person Who Tells.  It was like living a soap opera.  Oh the savory drama! Then, I wound up on the other side.  The tragedy happened to me.  I found out what was said and who was told what afterwards.  It felt very violating.  Half wasn't true and half was very private medical information.  As I was dealing with my own recovery, I encountered people with really inappropriate reactions/questions.

One of my co-workers is dealing with a personal tragedy this week and as I have dealt with the work Person Who Tells, I find myself getting annoyed with every hushed update followed by "Oh my God.." reactions.  Then I remind myself there is a level of fear being dissipated with each update.  But for those of us who have been on the other side, the updates don't release anything.  We know how suddenly the world can change.

The Person Who Tells hasn't had experience with life's sound and fury.  I wound up being a Person Who Tells a couple years after my own tragedy and I fell into a very deep depression afterwards.  There was no joy in the drama and each update reminded me of the hospitals, the tests, and machines.  In fact, I believe the inexperienced are the perfect People Who Tell.  They have no baggage and heck if anyone can enjoy such a horrible situation, let ignorance be bliss.

The Home That Made You or Vice Versa?

As I have been looking into new towns and places to move to, I started wondering what type of person/life do I want to have. Do I imagine myself working out at an apartment complex gym or coming home to an air conditioned place in the middle of July or using a coin-op dryer in the communal laundry room?

I remember my place in Waltham and all the parties I threw there. My 30th birthday party was EPIC! I lived there from 2002 to 2009. Yeah sure, I had no place to park during a winter storm and the neighbors were a bit sketchy but I really liked who I was there! Here's the question: did the fact that I had a 1,000+ square foot apartment with hard wood floors influence who I was back then? Did all the space and amenities open me up as a person? Or was it my age and other factors?  I had a claw foot bathtub fer chrisakes!

On the flip side, I have been in my current apartment since October 2009 and I feel like a cramped lunatic some days. This place is barely 650 square feet. I have never thrown a party here because there would be no place to sit and in the winter, people would break something getting to my place then in the summer it's a sweat lodge. I do have parking during blizzards but I have not been able to take a bath for over four years. It's either this place or who I have become that has really limited my life.

Obviously, the bathtub is going to be a huge factor for my new place.  I would like to get back to throwing parties.  It's exciting and scary considering a new home that will see me into my forties!

Apartment Wish-list

• Cats allowed
• Gas or electric heat
• Near commuter rail
• Parking with snow removal
• Big gorgeous bathtub
• Laundry in apartment
• Dishwasher
• A hutch
• Security lights
• Commute to work under 20 minutes.
• Non-smoking building
• Involved landlord/building management

Health, The Gift That Keeps Giving

 

 This is a week off from work for me. My company has the use them or lose them vacation day policy so voila. On my first official day off, I got fitted with a Holter monitor. For almost a month now, my heart has been doing funny things. It either feels like it's racing, or the normal lub dub feels like lub DUB!. I also get dizzy. No idea if that's connected to the heart thing. It doesn't hurt. My PCP could not capture an episode on EKG so now I'm wired up and strapped in until tomorrow. Thankfully, my heart has been going nuts today so there will be dozens of incidents recorded.

My doctor thinks I might be having an extra heartbeat so my heart is either trying to catch up or slow down. Since the internet exists, I believe this is what she's talking about. The second paragraph does not make me feel any better. I'm not "an otherwise healthy person". I had a stroke due to a congenital heart defect. I have an implant fixing that defect. Nothing too fancy - basically a tiny plug between atria.


The internet really needs to stop existing for people who are stuck between the moment of knowing something is wrong and the moment of diagnosis. I had an uncle, who I loved, admired, and kinda wished was my dad, that died young due to a heart problem, atrial fibrillation. He was a big, sunny, generous guy who would send us presents for no reason. His generosity also paid for my university education. I also know he died basically because he did not follow his doctor's advice. So, if I do have A fib, I know I don't have to follow his path. But, in a weird way, it would be nice to have that in common with such a lovely person.


According to the computer information hole, heart rhythm can be restored with drugs, electricity, or surgery. Also, heart rhythm issues increases stroke risk. Hi weepy anxiety attack, I'm sure you're awesome for my heart health! So, my week off and this Xmas can be a horror show if I want to let it be. If it's bad news, I know the treatments and what I can do to help. Those are two things I did not know or have control over when I had my stroke. If it's good news, why let it throw a pall over this week? I'll allow myself bursts of freaking out.

2014: Goodbye Quincy

Well, I've made my decision - I need to move.  I have been debating back and forth about what to do.  What settled the question occurred this week.  I have been living in my current apartment for over four years.  I asked my landlord to provide some kind of help removing snow from the doorways, stairs, and driveway.  It is very difficult and painful due to my car accident injuries..  My landlord told me, "I am not running a disability clinic." and told me he'd raise my rent if I get a landscaping company to help me.  Sayonara Quincy!

What I liked about Quincy:

• Being so close to the city, just a couple T stops away
• The smell of the ocean some mornings in the summer
• Indian food delivered.
• The heat of summer cooling off so completely at night I could turn off my air conditioner and just use a fan
• All the Dunkin Donuts

What I Disliked:

• The number of mentally ill people just walking the streets
• The cost of living
• The city government - closing T stations with no notice and bungling a revitalization project.
• The sheer number of angry, unfriendly people.  Two examples:
• The first time I've ever heard "nigger" screamed at a person happened in Quincy.  Glad I was able to go 33 years without that entering my ear holes.
• A middle aged woman had a harmless man begging removed from a store entrance.  He wasn't doing anything but asking for help.  Yeah, he was dirty looking.  So, I gave him everything I had in my purse and apologized for her.
• In conclusion, Quincy is not a city where the milk of human kindness flourishes.  When you do encounter it, it's a surprise among the weeds.
• Driving through the same intersection where I was injured and my car was totaled.  I will be so glad to leave behind that reminder

So, my plan is to move probably March-ish.  It's tough to move in the middle of winter and I don't want to pay for any more heating oil ($366 for only 100 gallons - eek!)  I'd like to move someplace closer to work and still has access to the city.  A place that provides snow removal, allows cats, and doesn't use heating oil.  I"m considering apartment complexes after living in houses for the past 11 years.

Come Wade in the Shallow End With Me

I know I’m a grown ass adult but I still tend to go through obsessions like I am a teen.  

Recently, my obsession has been focused on yummy British actors.  The newest one is this guy:

 He suffers from what I call the “Aragorn disease” where he looks hotter more scruffy.  Clean and put together?  Blech.  The actor himself is very charming in interviews and I love how aware he is about female characters on television shows here.

 If you’re a fan of Sleepy Hollow, I have to recommend io9’s reviews.  They are very insightful and funny.  Also, if you have become a Tom Mison fan, he was on episode 1 season 1 of “Secret Diary of a Call Girl”.  You’re welcome.

This guy has been my mainstay crush for a couple years.  I do have to admit that I thought he looked like an alien when I first saw him.  Then, I realized the power of those cheekbones…  The only reason why I watched the new Star Trek was because of him.  By the way, the PR on his character was completely screwed up.  Why outright lie to the audience?  Beyond good looks, he comes across as humble, intelligent, and a deep feeling person.  

It helps that he always talk about wanting to have kids.  Um, you and I are the same age.  Combine my Hungarian cheekbones and yours, we will have a superhuman race!  But they will be gingers so that could wind up kinda creepy…

 Finally,  Thor; The Dark World has kicked this up a notch.

 I'm noticing a pattern now, gingers who darken their hair.  I call the Thor movies the, "Wait for this blonde guy to get off the screen until Loki" movies.  I've watched The Avengers a million times because how awesome a villain he is.  I'm also watching the Hollow Crown BBC series for him.

The funny thing is that I saw "Midnight in Paris" where he played F. Scott Fitzgerald and it was only after The Avengers, it clicked!  I should probably check out War Horse and The Deep Blue Sea.  Also, anyone in London, he's going to be in Coriolanus on stage (blue shirt pic above is him in rehearsal).


I'll leave you with this very important PSA.

* Falls...No More

There will be spoilers for the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special here.  So, be warned.  


I have been a huge science fiction nerd all my life probably because it appeals to the dreamer in me and also made me feel less alone growing up.  Ha!  Yes, being less alone as in being the only teen girl in a comic book shop.  But who cared?  I was surrounded by my friends on the pages.

Then, I became an adult and still loved sci-fi and fantasy.  I liked the idea of people who are more powerful than us who can do extraordinary things.  On the cusp of adulthood, I didn't have a Wonder Woman, Rick Hunter, Buffy, Han Solo, or Chrestomanci around to save me.  So, I fought to survive while I was seething with rage at God or the world.  How dare they damage my brain, take who I thought I was away, and leave me alone without dreams?

The day after my 37th birthday, on the cusp of middle age,  I watched the Doctor Who special.  I have recovered without the Doctor or Obi Wan.  But, I would be lying if I claim to never have wondered what I would do with a Tardis.  Would I try to wipe out the events that have made me who I am today?  Would that be showing ingratitude?  I haven't had 400 years of regret, just 13.  I don't think I would change anything because what the War Doctor said that regret can save people.  Regret let me do this:



But I do know people who have been irreparably changed and are struggling with what the world is now for them.  That's why I cried as the Doctors saved Gallifrey.  For some people, there is no Gallifrey, Undying Lands, or Alderaan. All of us just have to strive to be "Never cowardly or cruel. Never give up, never give in.”

Another regret of mine can help you. On your automobile insurance policy, check part 2 "personal injury protection". Lower your deductible as much as possible.  My deductible was $8,000 when I got hit by a car so that meant I was liable for $8,000 of my own medical bills.

On a different note, we got to see Doctor #12's eyes!  I squealed with delight.  So looking forward to Peter Capaldi.