I'm Still Alive

Sorry for the radio silence.  I hope everyone had a great summer!  I definitely did.  I took my first paid vacation in five years and my difficult supervisor left the company for a new job (giving less than two weeks notice). Class Act.

For four days in August, I stayed with family at a beach house in Falmouth.  I was on the beach every single day and sometimes night.  Night swimming is fun but jellyfish stings suck and seaweed can get gross.  It's either wet pubes or wet lettuce.   These babies helped me avoid skin cancer.  My lily white ass barely got burned and I still have remnants of the tan!

I also got to meet a very nice young dog, Suki.  She's half pit bull and half retriever.  We got along but she figured out that I was a cat owner by duping me into letting her out without a leash.  I have absolutely not defense against pitiful whining and did not know that dogs bolt out the door when opened.  There was no tentative looking around a sniffing.  Suki didn't get hit by a car thank God.  Every morning she would wake me up by putting her head on my bed.

There was more swimming and animal greeting when my mom wound up house sitting in mid-August. There is Copper who is an elderly golden lab with a ton of health problems so he was mostly lying around or sleeping.  He loved being petted.  And I met a beautiful smoky cat, Charlie, who is very friendly and playful.  No hissing or scratching.  The screen door was intact too.  That is a good cat! Most of my family cats wound up getting stuck on the screen door and/or ruining windows.  Both pets had very measured and timed meals.  My mom and I realized that we have basically overfed all our cats.

Okay, here's a confession I'm a bit embarrassed about.  I don't really swim well or know how to swim but I love being in the water.  My big moves are doggie paddle or treading water.  I can jump into a pool but no diving and I have to hold my nose when I swim underwater.  It's so stupid that I don't know this considering that my grandparents had a pool when I was growing up and I was signed up for swimming classes when I was little.  When I have time and money, I am considering signing up for adult swim classes or lessons.  To be honest, the swim classes when I was little were mainly me sobbing in a bathroom stall and avoiding the swimming class.  I was convinced that I would drown.  That fear is really deep-seated in my bones even now.  When I jump off a diving board, I am scared to death.

My difficult supervisor's last day was yesterday.  As an added bonus, he made sure he was around to sit in on the year-end review.  It was basically the worst review I've ever had and completely stunned me.  But I still have a job.  There were nuggets of truth here and there but most of it was news to me.  The part that killed me is apparently I appear agitated and defensive when co-workers approach me to the point where people avoid me.  I'm 99.9% sure that is complete BS and co-workers = my difficult supervisor.  Once he left the office, the floodgates really opened with my co-workers.  It was so nice to hear that it wasn't just me and hearing other people calling him miserable, arrogant, and condescending.  My opinion is that he has no management skills and he got increasingly frustrated as he struggled so he made everyone miserable around him.  My plan is to add my response to the performance review before I sign anything.  I also asked my co-workers if I'm difficult to approach/work with.  100% no's.

Also, I know of two open accounting positions at my company, senior accountant and accounting supervisor.  Leave a comment if you would like to get the job descriptions.  I"m able  to help a brother/sister out.

The final dog I met this summer is a wonderful field/labrador retriever, Mr. Darcy.  He is three years old and is incredibly loving and mischievous.  He likes having his ears played with and lightly massaging his paws which are HUGE.  Get him around food, he's a troublemaker.  He kinda half sits/half leans on your lap.  And he is a great alarm clock.

The Good and The Bad

The Bad:
I was taken to the hospital by ambulance Thursday afternoon.  It was a regular day at work when all of a sudden, I had this huge throb of pain under my right scapula (shoulder-blade).  It took my breath away but it went away so I didn't think anything of it. As the day progressed, so did the throbbing and pain to the point where I felt like I could not get a good breath.  So, I called 911 and waited in the lobby. 5 hours later in the ER, after a chest x-ray, EKG, and blood draw, I was told whatever I was dealing with is muscular skeletal.  Phew!  I immediately had feared pulmonary embolism or chest infection.  I went to my PCP and it turns out I strained my trapezius muscle and it had been spasming so that was why I was in so much pain.  I need trigger point injections and PT.  No idea how the strain happened but I'm glad it's treatable! So that's the bad that wound up good.

The Good:
My job has gotten pretty difficult in the past couple of months.  It's a combination of workload and the learning curve (or cliff as I call it).  My supervisor has a really low frustration threshold and when he snaps, he stops listening.  In the past couple of months, I've had to deal with him snapping which usually sends me to the bathroom stall sobbing.  I can deal with jerks who have to take their shit out on people but when my ability to think or do my job is called into question, I have trouble coping.  Especially if it's in front of co-workers or about something I did not do.  I went to a conflict management seminar because of this situation and learned a lot of good tools.  So, I wanted to close the chapter on the weepy anxious mess and move forward.  But apparently, I wasn't as stealthy about my crying and being upset.  My supervisor's boss had a talk with me Friday.  She is really awesome, a good listener, and very supportive.  It turns out some of my co-workers have expressed concern about me.  That is kinda sweet and kinda embarrassing.  No more suffering in silence.  Supervisor's boss listened to me and confirmed that a couple of things I have encountered were unprofessional and upsetting.  She also pointed out that my boss is new to supervising others and last year there were concerns about him.  I'm happy to be heard, validated, and know people I work with care.  I hope my boss can take this feedback as a learning opportunity!

Half Your Genetic Material Day

Today I did not change my Facebook picture to one of my father.  I did not spend any time with him.  In fact, I tried to treat today like any other Sunday.  Every year this damn holiday shoves in my face that I did not have a supportive loving father.  Instead, I had a violent mentally ill man who held our household in a grip of misery who called himself my father.

Oh, don't worry, I've done therapy.  I'm gone through the grieving, blame, and anger.   But this holiday picks at my emotional scabs.  Every Father's Day card is like a needle in my heart.  "Thank you for protecting me" - nope.  "For the best Father who made me feel loved and special" - negatory.  I tried the whole no one has a happy family route for a couple years to cope.  But there are happy families out there.  Mine wasn't one.  In my extended family there are a bunch of great dads so I kinda derive some comfort from that.  I lost my Grandpa in March.  He was my alternate dad so I'm really missing him.

After my stroke, I had a lot of problems talking.  I couldn't coordinate my tongue and mouth, my voice sounded flat, and there was a delay between what I thought and said.  One summer afternoon, my grandfather saw that I was crying at a family party.  He stopped me and told me, "Anna, you speak fine."  He just knew.

After my stroke, my father told me that he hoped that I would never recover.  Yeah not celebrating that asshole.

So, if today is not a holiday for you, or you find the need for a vat of wine,  I wanted to let you know that you're not alone.  It sucks but survivable.  I hope this can give you a chuckle.

Chattanooga Hasn't Seen the Last of Me

Over Memorial Day weekend I flew down to Chattanooga, TN to attend my best friend from college's wedding.  I flew in on Friday going Boston to Charlotte, Charlotte to Chattanooga.  I don't fly a lot due to 5 years of unemployment and that time I woke up after a long flight and had a stroke.  So,  there was a lot of anxiety at first.  There was internet research on how to pack and what's allowed/not allowed on flights now.  I find study mode really helps anxiety.

Flying out of Boston was pretty good.  I was zone 1 and had a window seat.  I was also seated next to a man who has a fear of flying so he drinks heavily to make it through a flight.  He wasn't loud or gross, just really chatty and reeked of alcohol.  He also paid $7 for a Bud Light.  Hey, I had compression socks on, took a double dose of aspirin and had downed a liter of water to fight my DVT fear.  Diffferent strokes for different folks.

Charlotte airport is huge and awesome!  I love that they have white rocking chairs in public seating areas.  Also, they have device charging stations in atriums.  The automatic walkways were fun too.  I only had 45 minutes between flights so I had to haul ass.  The plane to Chattanooga was one of those tiny 13 row 4 seats across (2 on either side of the aisle) kinds.  I had to walk out on the tarmac to board.  New and a little alarming!  It was a short yet scenic flight, only an hour and flying over the Smoky Mountains.

Chattanooga airport is teeny tiny.  One store and no restaurant.  I grabbed a taxi and headed to my hotel.  The taxi driver was really nice and we had a nice chat/tour on the ride over.  One of my favorite moments was when she pointed out one of the oldest houses around dating from all the way back to 1800.  Oooh!  Such history, while I live in Quincy surrounded by houses from the 1600's.  Ha!

La Quinta is a nice hotel with comfortable beds, a really good breakfast, but in a really shitty part of Chattanooga.  I would say it's a good place to stay if you rent a car because only robbery or murder is within walking distance.  That night, my bride to be friend took me out here.  It is a really cute place tucked away across the Tennessee River.  This is how they do a caesar salad:

That is a cone of toasted cheese.  I also discovered a yummy Cabernet Sauvignon from Hendry Ranch. Very plummy and smooth.  We had a great time chatting and eating delicious food.  I had lamb, she had trout.  I get snobby about my seafood in landlocked states.  Then we shared an amaretto soufflé.  The drive back to the hotel was basically food coma mumblings.

The next morning I made friends at breakfast with two gentlemen from Fort Worth, TX.  Oh yeah, La Quinta has a waffle making iron for their breakfast.  Fab!  There was an open house at my friend and fiancé's home where I got to meet a bunch of really great people, friends and family of the happy couple.  Their place is absolutely gorgeous with a lot of land, very quiet, and gorgeous architecture I think after that open house, half of us were seriously considering relocating.  That night we had a four course meal here.  Lots of deliciousness, free flowing wine, and great people.  They serve an amazing cold strawberry soup that everyone was raving about.  Afterwards, we went out for drinks here.  I had a mojito and a patron Margarita both were delicious and decently priced.  I hopped a cab and went back to the hotel.  Oh yeah, service to downtown is only $3!  Take that Boston.  Service to the airport is at least $30 though.

As I went through these gastronomical tours, I was making a mental list of places I need to see when I come back.  Such as Lookout Mountain, the aquarium, and Tennessee River tour.  Sunday morning, bride to be, myself, and another friend had brunch here.  I had the Grand Marnier soaked French toast and vats of coffee.  Also, we had mentioned to our server that we were having a pre-wedding brunch so we got a complimentary 5 layer chocolate cake.  I'm pretty sure I killed my liver and pancreas after this trip!

The wedding was here.  It was non-traditional which had an interesting effect on guests.  Some people are so used to The Way a Wedding Should Be, anything off-book freaks them out.  I was the unofficial maid of honor, unofficial since they did not have a wedding party.  I helped the bride get ready and handed out programs.  The unofficial best man was the usher.  Here's the cool thing they did - instead of a guest book, they had a cookbook and had guests sign over their favorite recipe. They also had a string trio.  The wedding was amazing and moving.  The reception was the best I've ever seen.  The bride and groom picked out the DJ's playlist so it was a perfect combo of classic 80's and 90's music.  I danced for 3 hours with barely a break.  I'd try to sit down, then I'd hear the opening of the next song, and it was my jam so I had to dance!  Also, there was a conga line to Dance Like an Egyptian.  I danced in strappy wedges to House of Pain (now I have feet of pain).  There was an open bar.  I had totally forgotten about Whiskey Sours until a wedding guest reminded me!  Mmmm...

The upshot is that Chattanooga is an awesome place with a vibrant, funky downtown.  Lots of activities to do around the city and is maneuverable with or without a car.  I met a bunch of great people and my friend married her best friend.  Seriously, they unshriveled my cynical heart.  It was also sunny and in the 80's all weekend.  Kids, seniors, and adult will enjoy it there!

What to Do When Your City is Attacked

After you have checked that your loved ones are safe, find any way you can help.  Boston set up a website where we could sign up to help house stranded marathon runners and the Red Cross asked not to donate any more blood this week.  The need is continuous so donate away in the future.  Various Boston hospitals have wish-lists on Amazon where you can donate needed items.   You can help financially here.  Most importantly, it’s good to be informed, but you have to limit the amount of news you watch.  With the Boston attack, it became obvious that reporters/news outlets were salivating and loved spreading fear with occasional misinformation.

Allow yourself to freakout in small spurts if that helps.  Don’t wallow and get sucked into what-ifs.  Also, be mindful that people process fear and anxiety differently so it’s important to be compassionate and cut people some slack.  Personally, I let myself be upset Wednesday.  I’ve had to work through two cases of PTSD in the past twelve years so I know what is triggering and what is helpful.  The story I tell myself is that all of us have a veil of denial that we’ll live forever and nothing can hurt us.  Once that veil is ripped away, it takes a lot of work to get back to the normal level of denial – the veil back in place.  It’s like you go about your day but you are aware of the veil of denial so it doesn’t protect, it flickers in your periphery.

If you wake up one morning and discover your city is on lockdown and there’s a murderer loose, enjoy the lack of traffic on your commute while you make a mental list of everyone you know in the lockdown zone.   Accept the fact that you won’t be very productive at work as you refresh news sites for updates between waiting for your shelter in place people to check in about their status.

Finally, make sure you’re around loved ones and alcohol is plentiful the evening of lockdown day.   I was safe with a belly full of good food and margarita on hand as I watched the capture of the second suspect.  No better way to end the attack chapter.  Also, humor is a saving grace!  Best thing I read Friday night, “In Soviet Union you escape on boat! In America, boat traps you! What a country!

I think this is great:

Boston's Arc du Fort

To memorialize this past week, I'd love to see an arch over Boylston street.  At the apex of the arch could be some kind of scuplture or carving that symbolizes running.  Each corner could be for each fatality.  In my rough clip art version below,  I put the two youngest victims on the bottom.  Lingzi studied Stats, so a graph and Martin was still a child so a teddy bear.  From the news, I have heard about how kind and generous Krystle was so hand and heart and Sean apparently was born to be a policeman.  Since France has an Arc de Triomph, that's triumph, I think Boston should have an arch of strength.  This would make an easy finish line for the next 116 years of marathons.

Living in Interesting Times

Checking in on April 15, 2013

I have lived outside Boston for thirty-two years.  My dad worked in Boston and during February or April vacation, I would go into work with him.  I've stood on the sidelines handing out water to marathoners.  My first job after college was around the corner from Copley Square.

Today, I am counting my blessings that my family and friends are all safe and sound.  I am also very thankful that I don't have any children because how can you explain this kind of evil to an innocent?

In combination with obsessive cleaning,  and crying jags, I started looking here and here.  Because of course there has to be a reason that a hate-filled crazy person picked today.  Then, I remembered CRAZY.

Let me just tell you, the ranks of wheelchair marathoners will be huge next year and I will be cheering them on from the sidelines.

The New Job

Technically, it's not a new job anymore since I have been on the job for over two months and I'm not the newest hire anymore!

Overall, everything is going well.  I am still on the learning curve and my boss has been very supportive about my learning needs.  I work in a large department with sub-groups.  In my sub-group. there are two other guys who are co-workers, our boss, and another girl who started a couple weeks ago. One of the guys is a horrible trainer, the other is really good.  The bad one stands behind you and says, "Nope!" every time you do anything wrong.  Not exactly conducive to learning, no?  He is more task orientated and doesn't care why or how certain jobs fit into the big picture.  The good trainer gives you background on what you're doing and why you need to do it.  And he answers questions clearly.

I have to say that full-time work has so changed since 2007 (my last real job)!  First off, the hours are absolutely insane and the expectations of output for the workload is staggering.  40 hour work week is a complete myth/joke of the past.  Yet companies pay that level of salary, if not less.  But on the up side, I have a nice block of vacation/sick time.  But time off leaves so much work, it's almost not worth taking vacation time.  Oh yeah, I don't have the July Fourth holiday.

The commute has gotten a lot better now that 93N has opened the fourth lane between the route 24 split and 95.  93 to 95 is so much better than 24 to 495.  24 seems to be a highway driven by mental patients.    What completely turned me off of 24 is the snow storm a couple weeks ago.  No plowing had been done and an entire lane dropped off around Bridgewater so I had a nice little spin-out.  Sayonara 24!

The people I work with are really nice, supportive, and easy to talk to.  My second week I went to the belated holiday party so I got to know a ton of people and have fun!

Surviving Nemo

My boss told me last Thursday the department is working from home Friday.  My first work from home experience in a full-time perm job!

Since I live in Quincy, there was no storm activity in the early morning Friday so I ran out to get groceries and gassed up my car.  Frozen pizza was big for this storm.  As I was working at my dining room table, I noticed that my apartment wasn't really heating up.  I still had hot water so I called my heating oil company.  This is when snow flakes had started whirling.  Turns out I was out of heating oil so I needed an emergency fill-up - sayonara $600.  That afternoon, I was charging every chargeable device in my place when I got a text from a cousin elsewhere in Quincy saying she lost power.

Thank goodness for Sandy months ago!  I still had my power outage supplies.  My place lost power Friday night while I slept.  The apartment was in the 40's when I woke up so I layered on blankets and clothing then stayed in bed for a while.  I could not decide whether it would be worth it to dig out my car and come back to a freezing apartment. You're supposed to come back to a hot mug of cocoa damn it!  Then I realized that shoveling would warm me up and I would have access to a heated car.

Quincy plowed my street once overnight and the driveway had been partially shoveled by kind neighbors.  My landlord only clears snow when it suits him.  Since I have twisted separated ribs, I very carefully and slowly dug my car out.  I couldn't get it out of the spot and pain was getting to an unbearable level.  This is my first full-on freakout during Nemo.  I was sitting in my car warming up and resting close to tears with no idea how to get my car out.  My thoughts went to wonderful mythical Manservant Toby.  Then, I got a text from my cousin saying they got their power on.  Ah ha!  She's young, healthy and strong with a boyfriend - my saviors.

I got back inside and popped some pain pills to recover while I lay under 5 blankets with Stella curled up under them next to me and Ras snoozing on my feet.  Cats are awesome in power outages - walking hot water bottles!  I got some sleep but I had opened the panicky freakout door in my mind so I started remembering parts of Little House on the Prairie where it was deadly to sleep in the cold, I also considered building a fire in my tub to warm up, I considered the possible heat all the candles I own could give off, and of course I imagined my cats eating my dead frozen corpse and staying warm in my entrails Tauntaun style.  It was 35 degrees in my apartment by 8:30 PM Saturday night.  Like the proud strong independent woman I am, I called my mother crying and unable to come up with options.  She knew my aunt had gotten power back that day so the plan became evacuate apartment.  I left some hand warmers for the kitties to snuggle.

My cousin lost power Saturday night so she wasn't able to help dig out my car since she was evacuating Sunday.  They still don't have power!  A night's sleep in heat and a hot breakfast was pure nirvana for me.  My aunt drove me home and got my car out.  I had shoveled enough but didn't know how to rock it out.  Are there classes for rocking cars out?  Plus, my apartment had power!  It had come on early enough for my DVR to record Saturday Night Live.  Of course I cranked up the heat, did laundry, and reveled in the dissipating stress.  It took 8 hours for my place to get close to 50 degrees.

That's when I heard this trickling sound.  I thought it was my washer or a faucet I hadn't shut off properly.  Nope.  It was two spots in my baseboard heating vents in my bedroom leaking rivulets of water.  I used up all available towels and it still kept coming. I called my landlord and turned off the heat.  This felt like the cherry on my blizzard freakout sundae.  I just wanted to feel safe and relaxed in my home! I am proud to say I cried in front of my landlord who told me to, "Grow up."

I have two burst pipes in my bedroom so heat and hot water have been shut off.  My landlord gave me a portable heater so I can sleep comfortably.  In theory, everything should be fixed tomorrow.  If there are only two burst pipes in my place.  They have to do a nitrogen test to look for leaks.

In Honor of American Heart Month

When I was twenty-four I had a stroke.  It was in the right side of my brain, so my left side was affected.  Initially, I was paralyzed, numb, barely able to speak, and blind in my left eye.  This brain accident has completely changed my life in good ways and bad.

One of the great outcomes of surviving a stroke is that it has given me a confidence that I can get through any set-back.  Sure, I get worried and upset but is it stroke bad?  If no, I will be able to handle it.  I also became my own best healthcare advocate.  I speak up when something doesn’t feel right and I never let a doctor downplay my pain or concerns.  I also found out how generous and caring my extended family can be.  I truly feel the support and love I received helped my recovery.

Of course the lingering deficits are a notch in the bad column.  But I can pass as a regular person so that makes any struggles bearable.  The feeling on my left side has not come completely back.  I can feel impact and pain (eventually) anything more is gone.  I have cut my left side without knowing it until I see a trail of blood.  I burned my left ring finger when I didn’t notice a drop of grease fell on it.  I have accidentally zipped up skin into a zipper and pinned my thumb in a dryer rack.  So, I have to be hyper vigilant about Lefty.  Also, my left shoulder is permanently out of socket due to my initial paralysis and muscles not pulling the joint back into place.  Difficulties in learning have gotten better but I still have problems with testing situations, hearing something and understanding, memory is spottier too.

Another negative is my brain structure has completely changed.  A change in structure means that brain chemistry is all screwed up so I’m on three types of medications; a SSRI, anticonvulsant, and ADD.  When I say brain structure is completely changed, I do mean to include the new neural pathways my brain has built but I am also talking about the hole in my brain.  Yup, whatever brain matter dies from lack of oxygen goes away.  Nothing heals back; the brain just builds a detour.

Get me in a MRI, you can definitely tell I had a traumatic brain injury.

My uncle had a stroke Oct. 31, 2012 on the same exact side of the brain with a clot in the same artery.  He is forty years older than when I had my stroke so his recovery has been a lot longer.  I’m glad I have been able to be a resource to my family about what to expect.  But there is also a bit of survivor’s guilt when I visit him and see his paralyzed left side.   His speech and cognition is a lot better than mine at the same point in recovery.  He is in his second rehab hospital and is scheduled to go home mid-February.  Now, all the emotions are catching up with him and I think that’s good.  But man it can be overwhelming!  Realizing what happened to you, how close you came to dying, and trying to strike a balance between hope and realism is so, so familiar…  I’m lucky to have had twelve years, medication, and really good therapy to share some perspective with him.

I have told him that with a near death experience, you suddenly realize you can die at any second.   It’s like a veil of denial is lifted while everyone else is going on about their oblivious way.  It takes a while to calm down the anxiety and awareness but eventually you get to join the oblivious ranks.  It's sad to say but it's nice to know someone else who gets it.

Oscar Season

I am a huge movie buff and I love this time of year when Oscar nominations are announced and I have over a month to catch up on nominated movies.  Here are this year's nominees:

Argo
Amour
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Django Unchained
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Lincoln
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty

Silver Linings Playbook - I liked this movie a lot but I can understand that some people might be uncomfortable watching it.  It has pretty realistic depictions of manic episodes so if mental illness is a difficult subject for you, this isn't the movie for you.  I love the director, David O. Russell (the guy who did The Fighter, I Heart Huckabees etc).  Also, is it possible to have a girl boner for an actress?  Jennifer Lawrence is simply astounding in this.  To give you an example of how great she is, she owns a scene with De Niro!  Geez, this chick is only 22.  How is she this good?  Bradley Cooper was excellent too but his character is a difficult balance between humorous mental illness to scare the crap out of your chemical imbalance.

Argo - my main feeling after watching this is that I really miss the 1970's.  I want to have boxy cars, phones with long cords, hairy men, and huge eyeglasses again.  The avocado, oranges, synthetics, and crazy patterns just are "home" for me.  So huge kudos on set design.  The story and acting are awesome.  It is truly an ensemble piece no huge star eating up all the lines or scenes.  I went through the whole range of human emotions watching it.  Also, how cool is Canada to help us out that way?  Little side note,  Ben cast a former castmate from Dazed and Confused in the movie.

Django Unchained - was very entertaining and made me want to study a lot more about slavery in America.  Christoph Waltz is really excellent here.  I do have to say that the soundtrack is AMAZING! Tarantino really has a great ear for music in his movies.

Zero Dark Thirty - wow, wow, and wow.  This movie made me think of that Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times."  Jessica Chastain completely inhabits her character and I asked myself after [spoiler alert] Bin Laden was killed, "What is she going to do now?"  The torture scenes were horrible but there has been worse scenes on 24 or in torture porn horror movies.  I guess it's not the level of gore, it's the fact that what we are seeing did actually happen is disturbing.

Man, what an embarrassment of riches, huh?  There has been a great cinema renaissance if there are so many high quality films to choose from.

Sayonara Unemployment!

Things I Won't Miss from Being Unemployed:

1. Waking up at 2:00 AM panicked about finances.
2. The decision between gas or groceries each week.
3. Not knowing how to afford heating my apartment.
4. Cutting my own hair.
5. Cruising craigslist trying to convince myself I could do X job.
6. Showing up empty handed to birthdays or Christmas
7. Being contacted by skeezy placement firms who have never read my resume
8. Dealing with the workforce development office or medical security program
9. Asking my parents for money.
10. No time to recover from illness or injuries.
11. Past due bills.
12. Feeling like a failure.

This Is How to Start a New Year

I came into work this morning after a glorious four day weekend.  The plan was that I would work a partial day and leave for a non-profit job interview in the afternoon.  This was interview #2 with a round robin of various managers so I was a little stressed out and nervous.

After I came back from a meeting with my manager, I had an email from the temp company’s talent acquisition representative.  Oh yeah, I had a job interview last week at temp company.  It was interview #2.  I also had a horrible cold last week with only one nostril open, coughing, runny nose, and chills.  Needless to say, I wasn’t quite as pulled together as usual for that interview.  But that kind of helped my nerves.  When the focus is breathing, you kind of have no way to overthink things.

Well, God bless germs or my sparkling personality or Mucinex because I GOT THE JOB!!!  Yes, after four years of unemployment and occasional temp work,  I finally will have a job with benefits, vacation days, and paid sick days.  I am also going to be making the highest salary I have yet to earn!

So, how is 2013 shaping up compared to 2012?  Well, January 2012 I was in a car accident that totaled my car and injured me severely.  January 2013 I got a full-time permanent job.  It’s just the second full day of the year.  I can’t wait to see what is in store for the next 363 days!

The Hobbit: Unexpectedly Hot Dwarves

Over the holiday, I saw "The Hobbit" in 3D.  Now I am annoyed all over again about how ridiculous Gimli was in the Lord of the Rings trilogy!  The dwarves in "The Hobbit" are hardened, strong, and noble.  The way they should be darn it!  Plus a couple of them are HAWT!  Oh Thorin...  Fili and Kili aren't too bad either.

I'm not a huge Tolkien nerd who screams with every change to plot-line or dialogue so I found the movie really enjoyable!  I am a nerd enough to enjoy seeing the good old Shire and Rivendell.  Martin Freeman was phenomenal as Bilbo!  He's the kind of actor who sneaks up on you with humor and physical humor then blammo he's making you weep.  

This is Thorin without the makeup:

You're welcome.

Out from Under

Since my family are probably sick of hearing about me complain, this blog post will mark an end. Just recently, I switched primary care physicians. It is very hard for me to feel comfortable and trust doctors since an old PCP ignored my stroke warning signs for years and I had a stroke. This same PCP was also unable to get my Coumadin levels correct so I didn’t have a second stroke through sheer luck.

The straw that broke my back with my recent doctor is that I have been struggling for months with exhaustion. He suspected sleep apnea so he put in the paperwork for a referral to a sleep lab. Three weeks later, I hadn’t heard anything so I call the lab, who had never gotten any paperwork, then I called my health plan, who hadn’t received anything, now I called my doctor’s office. They hadn’t submitted the referral. After my call, they submitted the wrong paperwork. So, over a month after I was made aware of the fact I might be not breathing in my sleep, I had my sleep test ( I had 27 apneas and 45 hypopneas BTW).

This isn’t the first time I had to go through a round robin of phone calls to figure out what was wrong with my medical care. When I was bedridden after my car accident, the office never called in anti-inflammatory medication. My dad was helping me out running errands and could only pick up half my prescriptions. So, I had to stay off pain medication for a good day, drag myself out of bed to pick up my medication.

My medical file was a complete wreck. Wrong birthdate, wrong height, wrong medications. Also, my doctor did not believe my allergies. I had the same goddamn conversation about how I get hives on Relafen but am fine on Advil.

I knew my old doctor was bad but once I started the wheels of switching doctors, my goodness it got much worse! The way they sent my medical files to my new doctor was cramming stacks of paper into a FedEx envelope with no rhyme or reason. I did not find out I had sleep apnea for a month even though my old doctor’s office had the report. They were outright rude to specialists I am seeing. Yes, your office doesn’t do X-rays but you do have a facility elsewhere that does them. Why can’t you say that instead of “We don’t do X-rays – CLICK.”???

On the up side, I was supposedly pre-hypertensive with old doctor guy. New doc lady – 124/72 baby! I guess my blood pressure doesn’t handle annoyance/frustration well.

If the names Cesar Faison, Duke Lavery, Ned Ashton, and Anna Devane mean anything to you, keep reading. Guys, I cannot gush enough about how awesome General Hospital has been for the past month! So many old school characters have been brought back, I feel like I just got home from high school and am watching the show I watched when I was a teen! Last week I didn’t automatically delete episodes from my DVR. I actually rewatched them. The fast-forward button on my remote is getting a nice break! I literally squealed like a stuck pig when Ned showed up at the Quartermaine crypt to comfort his mother. He’s still hot and those dimples are scrumptious….
I started watching General Hospital with my mom when I was ten. This is right around the time of Anna and Duke’s romance. Frisco, Sean, Tiffany, and the whole WSB/DVX thing. I hazily remember some crazy lady dressed as a nun named Tonya possibly? The height of my soap obsession was the 90’s. Oh Jagger, Brenda, Karen, and Lois… I used to schedule my university classes around GH. I loved it when Carly came to town because I’m a sucker for troublemakers who knock people off their pedestals. The whole Ryan Chamberlain/Kevin evil twin thing was up my alley.

When I came back to regularly watching the show, it was horrible. Half the Quartermaines were dead, there was a fifth recast for Carly. Sonny was going on about his bitches and whores. Jason blinked and was orange. The hospital was barely shown unless someone got shot. For some reason Luke Spencer had morphed into Benny Hill along with wacky music.

I would like to say that General Hospital turned the corner into awesome once Jason was killed off. Suddenly, Sonny is only on the show once a week. Ladies over forty get scenes and are allowed to be awesome. The hospital is actually important and central! There are happy couples too. Not everything is angsty. Guys, Lucy Coe is coming back for the Nurse’s Ball! This is like a soap renaissance.

Employment Was Nice

Just in time for my birthday, I found out that my contract assignment will not be going perm and my contract will end mid-January. I did the whole angry, freaked out, why me thing. Now, I'm applying for jobs like an insane person. In theory the economy is improving plus applying for a job when you have a job tends to be more successful.

My ultimate goal is a full-time perm job with benefits. But I am also considering cobbling together a bunch of part-time jobs to survive. Also, I have given myself until March 2013 to get the job situation squared away or I'll move in with my parents. I don't know if I have any unemployment left or I would have to open a new claim. On the up side of living with my parents, the money worries would be lessened like 60%.

I love how my current company is keeping departments so lean, the employees are working themselves ragged plus the company reported a nice quarterly profit margin. Hey CEOs, how about sacrificing some of those billions to become a job creator? Here are some of my skills so if there are any jobs out there, let me know!

Sayonara Facebook!

Yup, I've deactivated my account after a couple months debating the pros vs. cons.

Pro:
• actually talking to people rather than assuming I know about their lives via pithy status updates
• in real life, you don't have unfollow or hide update. You have to deal with people good, bad, and boring
• no more game requests.
• being a lot more productive and focused during the day
• I will not be the person who checks in everywhere I go and only have half conversations with people as I scroll through my cell phone for status updates.
• a political candidate won't hack my account to shore up "likes" and then lose the entire race. Take that Willard Mitt! I know, Facebook claims it wasn't hacking but user error. I call bullshit on that.
• No more of Facebook's shady privacy updates, redesigns, and paranoia about who can see what about me.
• C'mon, if your parents are on Facebook, that is a big effing neon sign!

It's sad how much Facebook took up my day. I was still composing status updates in my head today because I am sure all my rapt followers wanted to hear my opinion on this season's Walking Dead (awesome sauce). It got to the point that I wasn't getting out of it as much as I put into it. It is fitting that I left after the 2012 Election. Facebook was really great for the political season! I am free now.

Nerd Alert!

Since Disney is buying Lucasfilms, and there has been talk about Star Wars sequels, my nerd mind has been going at warp speed! I read a ton of expanded universe books in the Star Wars lull of 1983 to 1999. Hands down my favorite books were the Thrawn trilogy. If they could make a movie adaptation, Luke, Leia and Han would be recast. Here are some ideas:

Oh yeah, the perfect Thrawn:

Bad News for Stella

Last Monday I got a call from the vet with Stella’s biopsy results. She has malignant mammary gland cancer which has very bad survival odds - 90% metastasizing rate. I was half stunned and half upset. The vet said she would call me later for treatment options. Stella has been doing amazingly well after her biopsy. Her spirits are great; she is eating as usual, and is active. I am convinced that she is the 10% with no cancer spread.

Tuesday I got the follow-up call from my vet. It was even worse news. The surgeon had cut really deep and had taken out a mammary gland in the biopsy procedure. He recommended complete removal of all the mammary glands on Stella’s right side - a procedure which will be extremely painful, will need days in the hospital, and will cost $3.300.00. That is the recommended treatment. Since the cancer is so aggressive and pervasive, cutting out as much tissue is the way to go to increase survival odds. Of course, I cannot afford that surgery and that’s when I started crying on the phone. The second option is full blood work, chest and stomach scans which will cost $1,000.00. Which I can’t afford either but is reasonably attainable. Lots of crying, feeling like I am the worst cat mom ever, and anger at the goddamn job market which has shut me out for years. I decided to research my options.

I found out that yes this cancer can be pretty deadly but there is a glimmer of hope that depends on the size of the removed tumor. If it’s under 3 cm in diameter, survival rates are much better. From what I saw, it looks like Stella ‘s tumor was 2 or 2.5 cm! Also, there are a couple grants out there that can give money for cancer treatment. I’m also promoting my fundraiser like no one’s business.

The final decision is that I’m going to wait. Stella has excellent quality of life now. I’d rather her and I enjoy that now rather than choosing to hobble her with an extensive painful procedure. If I get the grant money or fundraising help, I’ll opt for the blood work and scans. I got a bunch of great support and advice from family and friends.  Thanks! 

It’s like she knows something is up lately. She has been extra cute and snuggly. Plus, the playing with Rasputin has reached epic proportions! Both of them hopped in the empty tub one morning and basically had Feline Thunder Dome. Stella has this thing now when she’s chasing Ras, she tries to swipe his back legs out from under him. Or she runs right up to him and does nothing and lets him freak out.

Why I Am Voting for Barack Obama and Elizabeth Warren

I am 35 year old female with her masters, who grew up middle class, and hasn't had a full-time job with benefits for three years (and two years before that).  


I am aware of who got us into the economic mess.  No, not Bush, not Clinton nor President Obama.  It was banks, deregulation, and unmitigated greed.  I agreed with the $700 billion bailout because the alternative was complete market collapse.  It's unfortunate that due to the aforementioned problems of greed and lack of regulation, that some banks misused that bailout.  I have many gay and lesbian friends.  Their life doesn't threaten mine or take away any value from the U.S. so I am vehemently against DOMA and Don't Ask Don't Tell.  Plus, I am very proud of Massachusetts for legalizing gay marriage.  I am pro-union but I can see how auto unions almost killed Detroit.  I'm pro-union as far as protecting workers rights, but sweetening salaries and pensions is a racket I can't support.  Both my parents are educators so I greatly respect the President's accomplishments in that area such as funding dropout intervention programs.  As a woman, I am concerned with access to low cost birth control and preventive care and equal pay for equal work. I support Obamacare because I believe the Massachusetts healthcare model should be available nationwide. I am acutely aware of being spoiled with medical riches living in this state.  I knew a woman from Georgia who was put on a medication that caused a stroke right after she gave birth.  She was found hours later on the floor of her laundry room.  Now she can't hold her daughter.  That is the kind of sketchy medical care available beyond MA!


I admire Elizabeth Warren's work during the financial crisis her focus on oversight and educating consumers was a practical educated approach rather than fingering pointing and trying to get hers.  Her work on the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau has had a tremendously positive impact on my life.  Meanwhile Scott Brown has voted against middle class tax cuts, increasing taxes on high income individuals, and penalizing employers who pay unfairly for the same job due to gender.  He also doesn't want genetically modified foods labeled.  He doesn't believe in  any "more" regulations on financial markets.  He also believes that we are being too hard on oil companies which is raising gas prices.  He co-sponsored the Blunt Amendment.So, as an educated female who is barely clinging onto middle class, who do I believe will have my best interests at heart?  Also, who do I believe is aware of the everyday issues I struggle with?  Barack Obama and Elizabeth Warren.  If you don't want a repeat of 2007 - 2008, they will steer us clear.

 

Tough Yet Progress

A couple weeks ago, I noticed Stella had a lump on her belly.  The only reason why I was able to notice was now the poor girl feels safe enough to let me pick her up.  That only took 1 ½ years…  Since the bump didn’t go away and seemed to get harder, I booked a vet appointment for this past Saturday.  Once I take the cat carrier out of the closet, Stella isn’t the poor safe kitty anymore so getting her into the carrier was a huge hassle with my hands shredded to pieces.  Used to it, I washed my hand and slapped on some band aids.  The doctor was able to get some fluid from the bump then gave me a quick and dirty analysis.  It’s definitely cancer.  The fluid was sent off for cytology.  I didn’t ask many questions because I was stunned.  Stella hasn’t been in pain and isn’t that old – 8.  In fact, she has been extra lovable and relaxed lately!  How could it be cancer?

Saturday was my freak-out day.  I went from crying over the thought of losing Stella to stressing out over how to afford her care.  Plus, it broke my heart to think of Rasputin losing his buddy.  He would be devastated!  I hate being in limbo and having no power to effect anything.  So, once I calmed down, I tried to mix equal parts denial, sending out good vibes to Stella, and pleading with God.  By Saturday night, I could not make a fist with my right hand and the entire top of my hand was angry red and swollen.  On top of everything, it appeared that I had broken my hand somehow.  My mom agreed to come over Sunday to check out my hand and drive me to the ER if needed.  After the day I had, I needed my mommy.

Sunday, my mom took one look at my hand and told me it was infected.  If you get queasy easily, skip this part.  Remember how I mentioned that Stella had clawed me up good when I was getting her into her carrier?  One of her claws got the top of my hand and apparently had some kind of bacteria.  What I had to do is sterilize a needle, work off the claw scar, and clean out any  foreign matter.  My mom applied pressure to drain it. Then we slapped on some Neosporin and a band aid.  Lo and behold, I could make a fist and my hand had deflated turning into its regular pinkish color.  So, note to self and other cat owners, clean any scratches thoroughly under running water before bandaging up.  Also, how did my mom know what to do?  She isn’t a nurse.  She just took one look and knew.  Is there a guidebook given to mothers about gross injuries?

Stella’s cytology results came back yesterday.  She has a malignant epithelial tumor which needs surgery.  The procedure is booked next Tuesday, October 9.  After the surgery, the cancer can be staged.  The blood work costs $90.00.  The surgery is $1,000.  The chest x-ray is $260.   I have opened a credit care account and started a fundraiser.  So between both of those, I hope I’ll be able to provide Stella the best care possible.

Nine Months of Dealing With This Crap

Back in January this happened:

The crash did this to my body:

I've had 3 sets of x-rays, countless doctor's appointments, months of physical therapy, prescriptions up the wazoo, and lots of pain.  The first injury I focused on was my neck.  It was beyond whiplash.  I had nerve damage and muscle problems.  That was my physical therapy from February to May.  Then I was still dealing with pain and mobility issues.   Back to physical therapy in July.  The focus was relieving pain, muscle spasms, and strengthening my right shoulder muscles.  I am also getting trigger point injections in my upper back.  The one injury that didn't get better or respond to physical therapy was my chest.  I remember that being the first excruciating pain I felt after impact.  I remember crying after seeing that horrible bruise on my body.  So, yet another doctor's appointment.  My doctor believes that my upper ribs were ripped off my sternum with the impact of the accident.  The recovery period is years but it's an injury I will have to deal with the rest of my life.  

First off, I have to say that I am grateful I was able to walk away from this accident but I am also angry as hell.  I don't have a regular job or good health insurance so I don't have the luxury of resting and recovering.  Where was I as my unanchored ribs throbbed in my chest?  At my desk at work.  What happened to my pain killer prescriptions?  I can only take 1 pill at night because I need to work in the morning.  What do I do if I'm having a bad day and everything is throbbing?  Grit my teeth and go to work.  My entire life has been painfully upended because some stupid 81 year old who did not see a red light.  I am also paying off a car that I can't afford thanks to this senile jackass.  I wish I didn't have to deal with pain on a daily basis or have yet another thing I will have to struggle with the rest of my life.  I also wish old farts would stop driving and endangering others.

Summer's Gone

Goodbye Flex Fridays, white shoes, traffic at a standstill Thursday afternoon onward, and sleeping fine under just a sheet.  Overall, this summer wasn’t too bad!  The heat waves were spaced out and I got ample opportunities to swim.  We did get some very dramatic weather and I loved it.  Nothing is more awe inspiring than a cold front blowing through,  blacking out the skies and thunder booming.  It was nice to have a regular job that I enjoy too.

I had to go back to physical therapy this summer due to lingering car accident issues.  Apparently if your entire torso gets torqued in an accident, you have to deal with nerve, muscle and tissue damage.  I’m getting trigger point injections to manage muscle spasms and pain on top of acupuncture and regular PT.  It’s so much better to address my injuries directly rather than popping a pill that keeps me housebound for the night.  My sternum and upper right torso were crushed by my seatbelt and interestingly enough cupping really helps with the pain.  That area can’t get injections unless I want a punctured lung so cupping has been a Godsend! I cannot express how awesome the picture above is!  Laughing through pain is good.

Also on a shallow point, I just heard the good news that Jason Morgan will be leaving General Hospital since the actor won't be renewing his contract.  I have hated his character for ages and that he will be off my screen for good (and hopefully dying a violent death) is making me happy.  Years of this blank faced orange troll haired character sucking up screen-time annoyed me to no end.  You gotta love the variety of his outfits!  One of my favorite message boards calls him the "roided goiter".

 

So adios asshole character who acted like his raped wife cheated on him (yeah he was one of "heroes" on GH).  General Hospital has been really awesome lately.  I actually watch the majority of the episodes, just fast-forward Sonny boringness.  I think part of the upswing of quality in the show is thanks to this guy - 

Todd Manning is THE BEST!  The actor, Roger Howarth, has a great energy and his ad-libs are hilarious. 

Commute Update

My daily commute includes routes 93, 24 and 495 between 7:15 AM to 9:00 and 4:30 to 6:00 PM.  A lot of recent articles have come out on route 24's safety due to several deadly accidents in the past month.  Police have stepped up a prescence on the highway.  Some observations about 24 over the past two days - I have seen cars drifting out of lanes on the on-ramp to 24 from 93 because the driver was texting.  I have gotten out of the way from cars going 90 - 100 mph sometimes in the fast-lane or just zig-zagging.  I have also had to dodge cars drifting into my lane due to A) cell phones B) distractions or C) some kind of intoxication.  So, that police prescence isn't really making my commute any safer!  I have gotten into the habit of sticking in the middle lane on cruise control to avoid all the crazies.

I do have a bravo for the police on 93.  You don't know how awesome it is to see the assholes who decide the breakdown lane should be another lane get bagged by a Statie.  I've seen entire lines of cars nabbed between route 28(exit 5) and route 37 (exit 6).  I totally do the Nelson, "Ha, haa" laugh every time I pass them.  I also try to allow merging cars room in front of me in the goal of zipper merging.  You know what happens?  The merging driver is on their cell phone and would rather bomb forward and shoulder their way into the lane when the road narrows which ties up traffic of course.

Yesterday, I could not figure out whether the driver in front of me was drunk or not.  She wasn't on a cell phone or had anyone else in her car.  We were in 16 mph stop and go traffic but for some reason, she could not stay in the lane even though we passed two state police stops.  She'd drift into the breakdown lane and all of a sudden overcorrect to her left.  I don't know what to do in those situations.  Should I call the police?  I do worry that not calling might wind up allowing the driver to kill someone in the future.

Also, I leave my house with more than enough time to reach my destination.  If I'm running late, I know it's my fault and not the driver in front of me.  Why is that such a hard concept?  You can sign up for traffic alerts here.  I do get annoyed when I hit traffic but that doesn't transfer into my driving behavior.  No laying on the horn or tailgating from me.  All of us need to be more calm and aware as we drive.

Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now?

Actually Daniel Tosh, no it wouldn't be funny.  When I read about his latest stand-up routine here.  I was disgusted but not that surprised.  This is the same guy who likes to joke about how smart women are ugly.  Wasn't that a big joke back in the 1950's?  Right along with "Take my wife, please..."

Then I read about the harassment of Anita Sarkeesian the next day which blew my mind.  Where does all this hatred towards women come from?  I know some people would say mothers.  I've been around men with mommy issues my whole life and they usually aren't so blatant in their misogyny.  Why is threatening women okay now?  I know there are a lot of people out there feeling powerless and angry so now's the time to lash out against The Other.

It's not just these two women.  In the past two years, I've been threatened and screamed at a lot more than usual.  The usual, "Fucking bitch" and then the oh so lovely, "I'm going to put you in the hospital".  Somehow it seems like women have become the acceptable group to kick nowadays.  The anniversary of Title IX brought out the vocal women haters.

Listen, just leave us alone.  We don't hate you.  We aren't taking anything from you.  We just want to live our lives.  If something seems unfair or angers us, we speak up!  If your life sucks, its not my fault or my entire gender's fault.

Love Letter to Stella

Last year I was working such long hours, I was worried about Rasputin being alone all day.  I could tell that he was bored since he got into all kinds of mischief during the day and even when I got home, he acted up.  I looked into getting a second cat.  I knew three things – the cat needed to be shorthair (I had a hard enough time keeping up with Rasputin’s Maine Coon fur), the cat couldn’t be too young (Rasputin weighs 17lbs and is very playful), and the cat needed to be female (I had read opposite gender cats get along better).  So, I went off to the Quincy Animal Shelter just to window shop.  I thought I found the cat of my dreams.  She was a smoky beauty named Aster.  I went home, crunched some numbers, assessed my apartment, and decided to go for Aster.  The next day when I contacted the shelter, Aster had already been adopted.  Boo!  I went back the next weekend and hung out in the socialization room.  A sassy tortoiseshell caught my eye.  One minute she was all affectionate rubbing against you, the next she swatted at you.  Her name was Daisy.  She was so small I had no way of guessing her age – 8 years.  I adopted her, named her Stella, and took her home the next weekend.

It was a steep learning curve with Stella.  She wasn’t as  playful or snuggly as Rasputin.  Catnip did nothing to her.  She hissed and growled at Rasputin.  I couldn’t trim her claws without getting ripped to shreds.  There were a couple days there that I worried that I made a mistake adopting her.  Now, I can’t imagine my home without her.  She is so much more relaxed and friendly!  Rasputin and her will never snuggle up and snooze but they definitely enjoy having each other around.  They chase each other back and forth across the apartment, and  play swatting games.  Rasputin even gets my attention when he’s worried about Stella (like when wind blew a door shut with her stuck in the eaves.  Rasputin also likes to tattle on her when she’s getting into mischief.  Stella is great with guests.  She hangs out while Rasputin hides in the bedroom closet.  She also gets very worried if I am crying and has to sit next to me.

Stella is the first down the stairs to say hi to me when I get home from work.  Also, when I wake up in the morning she is at the foot of the bed and walks up under my hand to get petted.  She doesn’t hiss at Rasputin anymore unless he has vet smell on him.  She shows her tummy all the time.  I play this Venus flytrap sit-up game with her.  If she’s displaying tummy I scratch her lower belly so Stella tries to sit up to swat at my hand.  Over and over and she gets abs of steel!  She isn’t a big meower and when she does meow, she sounds like she had a three pack a day cigarette habit.  Stella adores these colorful fuzzy balls and treats them like her babies – meowing as she carries one into another room.

I love you girly!  You make my home full of furry love.